


Magnets

by SaveDelphine



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cophine AU, F/F, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 79,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6237232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaveDelphine/pseuds/SaveDelphine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Delphine Cormier is a med student at Johns Hopkins. More than that, she is the best student the program has seen in 30 years. But academia takes its toll on her and after realizing she has hit rock bottom, she finds hope in the most unexpected of places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rock Bottom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ebroisbae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebroisbae/gifts).



> Cophine AU, get ready for some angst, fluff, and smut heading your way!  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to the wonderful ebroisbae for beta-ing this chapter, her feedback has been invaluable to me.

Beep … beep … beep … BEEP.

 

I startle. I feel my heart pumping fast in my chest and a rush of adrenaline running through my veins. I open my eyes, still caught in that moment in between. That grey moment, that sweet moment between sleep and wake. In an instant that moment is over and I feel the all too familiar anxiety clamp down on my chest again. I wish I could go back to the grey, back to the seemingly only moment of my day in which I find solace. _Merde_ _._ I sigh and I accept the burden which is once again bestowed on me. Not because I want to, but because I simply have no other choice.

My alarm is still beeping, I turn on the light, turn off the alarm and look at the clock. 5:00 am. _Merde._ I’m tired, oh so tired. How much sleep did I get? _Too little._ When did I go to bed? _Too late._ I search my brain for last night’s memories. What was I doing? And why do I feel like shit right now? It takes me several seconds, then I remember: I was working on my conference poster until late last night. The last time I checked the clock it was already well past 2 am. I close my eyes again to shield them from the bright light of my lamp and to get the raging headache under control which is manifesting right this moment on the left side of my head. _Merde._ I wish I could go back to last night and talk some sense into myself. How I wouldn’t finish that poster anyways (I didn’t), how horrible I feel when I don’t sleep (I do), how we can’t keep going like this. _We can’t keep going like this!_ I know we can’t. But we have to _._

I know that I will fall back asleep if I don’t leave my bed right this second, so I swing my legs out of the cocoon of my warm comforter and get up, way too fast for my head’s liking. I take a step towards the bathroom and remember too late that there is a bottle of Bourbon standing right in front of my bed. In my sleepy haze I kick it and it goes flying across the room, hitting a wall and shattering with a deafening sound. I flinch at the noise. Good thing there is no one else here, no one in my bed I could have woken up with this. I am the only person occupying that bed and have been for a long time. I look at the mess of Bourbon and shards of glass and turn back to look at my empty bed. I let out a loud sigh. I shiver and realize that all the warmth that has enveloped me until just a few seconds ago has already left my body. I'm cold, always so damn cold.

Mornings are the worst. Every morning I wake up way before the sun. Every morning I awake with a startle and a feeling like my heart is going to explode. Every morning I wish I didn’t have to get up, that I could just stay in bed. That there was someone here to stay in bed with. Sometimes I wish I could just go off and leave everything behind.

The throbbing in my head builds up to a crescendo and I stumble into the bathroom. I turn on the lights and instantly regret my decision. The halogen lights are even brighter than the lamp in my bedroom and a flashing pain runs through my temple. I inhale sharply, shut my eyes tightly, and put my right hand to my head while my left hand rumbles through my cupboard, looking for a little bottle. When I finally find it, I take out two pills and pop them without even looking. I swallow them dry, an act that has become all too familiar in the last couple of years. I want to wait for the pills to kick in, to wait for that warm blanket of chemicals to coat my senses. But I know that I don’t have the time, I cannot afford to be late. So I open my eyes and am faced with my reflection in the mirror. At least I think it’s me in the mirror. I know it has to be me, that’s how mirrors work. It’s just that the person staring back at me from hollow eyes looks nothing like me. Looks nothing like I used to look. Eyes that were once golden are now dark and dull. Blonde curls that were once shiny and voluminous are now a dry and heavy. Cheeks that were once pink and full of life are now deflated and pale. Lips that were once shaped in a smile are now pressed together in a frown. In moments like these I am glad that my family is so far away. An ocean away, back home in France. If maman saw me like this … Well, good thing she doesn’t.

I stare at my reflection for a couple of seconds, taking in the dark circles under my eyes. Then I clamp them shut again, trying to get rid of the burning sensation my all too short night of sleep has left me with. After another couple of seconds I finally feel the burning fade away and dare to open my eyes again. _We can do this. It’s just another day._ I splash some cold water in my face and go into the kitchen to start the coffee. There is no way I could get through these mornings without coffee. Once I start the machine, I go back to the bathroom and strip off my clothes before jumping into the shower. The water hits me and I sigh. My bed and the shower seem to be the only places that damned cold leaves me and I stop freezing for a second. I turn the water to as hot as it gets and start going through my routine. Wash hair, wash body, shave. I finish my shower in five minutes and am back in the kitchen just in time to find a full pot of coffee waiting for me. I pour myself a cup and take a big gulp. It’s hot, but not too hot. I taste the familiar bitterness and for the first time this morning I feel like I can actually get through the day. _It’s just another day._ I used to drink my coffee with milk and sugar. I used to drink cappuccinos and latte macchiatos, oh how I loved latte macchiatos! Now I drink my coffee black, no sugar, no milk. It’s just easier that way. There is never any sugar or milk at the office anyways and I have long stopped drinking coffee for enjoyment. I drink it because it’s the only thing keeping my senses together nowadays.

My stomach grumbles loudly, but a look at the clock tells me that I have wasted too much time this morning. There is no time for breakfast, no time left at all if I want to catch my bus. So I quickly down my coffee and put the rest into a to go tumbler. I grab my bag from the ground where I dropped it after coming home last night and leave the house.

* * *

4 years earlier.

“Bonjour, my name is Delphine Cormier. I just completed my master’s degree in microbiology at l’université Paris-Sorbonne and just started working with Professor Leekie. It has always been my dream to get into med school, so I’m really excited to be here.”

“And we are excited to have you here, welcome to Johns Hopkins Delphine!” Professor Bowles, the head of the department gives me a warm smile and gestures to the next student to introduce herself. The whole experience is very surreal. I still cannot believe that I am actually here. That I actually got accepted into med school. That I got accepted into John’s Hopkins, one of the best programs in the world. All my hard work has finally paid off. All the years of spending nights alone at the library instead of at the bar with friends. All the weekends spent preparing presentations and studying for exams. This is what I’ve always dreamt of and finally I am here. I know that the next five years are not going to get easier–they probably will get even harder. There are classes to take, exams to write, research to do. It will take blood, sweat, and tears to get through this, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. Nothing in life worth achieving comes easily. This is it, this is my time. And I will do everything it takes to complete this program. To be the best of the class. To be the best I can be. I was never one to compromise. _Everything it takes._

* * *

“Hey, do you want to come to lunch with us?” The short blonde who just stuck her head through my office door gives me a warm smile. I smile back, at least I try to, but I don't think it comes out the right way. Krystal frowns and steps into my office, closing the door behind her. If you saw her on the street, you would not believe that she is in academia. Right now her body is pressed into a tight pink dress that hits around her mid thigh, her breasts are in danger of spilling out. Pink heels, her matching pink lipstick, and fake fingernails complement her look. No, upon seeing her the first time, you wouldn't think she would be in this business. You would think her to be in a different kind of business all together.

 

I must say the first time I saw her all those years ago on our first day of med school, that is exactly what went through my head. I thought what is this person doing here? Johns Hopkins, this must be a mistake. I was used to the elegance and grace of French women. They would never dress like that, they would never act like that, being so loud and ... perky. For as long as I remember, I was taught that the world was not fair. That for a woman to achieve her dreams, she would have to work twice as hard as a man, present herself twice as good as a man, make twice as many sacrifices as a man. And she surely could not afford to embarrass herself showing up to her first day of med school dressed like a hooker and making a big show. On that day, I almost felt sorry for Krystal. She would never make it in this field, surely it would only take a couple of weeks before she dropped out of the program to go back to working at a nail salon or wherever she came from. Dressed in tight black jeans, elegant heels and a white blouse, I was quite full of myself these days.  Looking back I am deeply embarrassed by those memories. Luckily, upon first laying her eyes on me, Krystal decided that we would become best friends. So we did.

 

She crosses her arms across her chest and gives me a stern look.  "Del, I know that look on your face. Come on, you need to eat. Like I know you, you haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Krystal, I ..." 

"No, don't 'Krystal' me Del! I ..., you ..." She trails off and is suddenly very concerned with the diplomas on my wall, ones she has seen a million times before. 

"Krystal ..." She turns back around and I can see that her eyes are all watery, she looks like she is going to cry any second. "Oh Krystal, please don't cry ..." I quickly get out of my chair and wrap her in my arms. Sure enough I can hear quiet sobbing and I feel warm tears hitting my neck. "Shhh, shh, it's okay Krystal, don't cry. Please don't cry, it's going to be fine." My attempts at soothing her clearly don't work as she lets out another sob, this one louder than the ones before. I know that words will not make this right, that I can't say anything that will make her feel better. So I just rock her gently and pat her head. " _J'm'imagine au printemps sur une plage de la côte est-américaine, où la mer à marée basse descend si bas qu'on n'la voit pas ..._ " I start singing quietly, rocking her back and forth. A large amount of time during the four years of our friendship has been taken up by me consoling her. After she failed her first statistics exam (most people do), after her boyfriend—Vic the dick as I liked to call him—left her (finally), after she thought she was pregnant (thank God she wasn't). So from experience I know that hugs and jokes won't pick her up, that well meant pieces of advice don't do anything to calm her down. But hearing me sing does. So I do and after a couple of minutes her cries subside and I can feel her relax a little.

I pat her head once again gently and try to take a step back, to look at her and see if she is okay. But Krystal hangs on to me for dear life, locking me in her tight embrace, her face buried in my shoulder. "Mon amie ..." I start, but I never get to finish the sentence.

Krystal looks up at me and my heart drops. I realize that I have never seen her like this before. The ever-present sparkle has left her eyes, she has lost the glow which usually clings to her so faithfully. 

“Delphine," she goes and I know that the time has come. We are having the talk. The talk I was so grateful to be able to avoid all this time. I close my eyes for a second and step back, this time Krystal allows me to. I know what's coming, I know that she has held back the last couple of months and I know that it had to lead up to this. It was inevitable.

"Del, you are the rock I hold on to, the shoulder I cry on. You are my bestie and I don't know what I would do without you." The tears start flowing again, this time unobstructed. My heart sinks, I hate seeing her in pain like this. Knowing that I am the person who caused it. I feel like the little energy I have left leaves my body, I drop down and sit on my desk. I feel like crying, too, but I'm just too exhausted. I have given up on crying. "I know that this is your dream. Best of the class—hell, best of the program. The best student the program has seen in the last 30 years, isn't that how Professor Bowles put it? You just had your article on host-parasite relationships published in Nature, Delphine. _Nature_ , for God's sake! You are their prodigy." I listen to her listing all my achievements and although I should feel proud, I can't seem to. I have accomplished more than any other student in my program, more than anyone my age. Hell, I have more publications in my name than a lot of researchers 5 years older than me. I am on my best way to a tenure track job, to a position as an assistant professor. But seeing the hurt on Krystal's face, I just can't be happy about any of this. 

"I am afraid, Delphine. Afraid that I'm going to lose you." My stomach cramps and the headache I thought I had shaken this morning is back full force, this time right over my left eye. 

"You are not going to lose me Krystal. It's just a phase, it's just ..."

"Del, I can feel your ribs. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for that blouse, I would be able to count them, too. You don't eat anymore. You don't sleep anymore. You don't go out anymore. You spend your whole days working and when you feel like you can't take it anymore, you pop a couple of pills." My eyes widen in shock. How does she know? How does she know? I was always so careful not to let it show. _Of course she knows. She can read you like an open book._ "You know, you look nothing like the Delphine I met four years ago. I ..."

While Krystal keeps talking, I get up to hug her again, to tell her that I got this under control. At least I try to, but as soon as I stand, I start seeing black and my legs give under me. I try to hold on to my desk, but to no avail. The last thing I remember is my head hitting the cold hard ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Delphine sings is "Bord de mer" by Gustafson ft. Évelyne Brochu. If you don't know it you should check it out.  
> This is my first fanfic, so I'm looking forward to feedback and/or suggestions!


	2. Point of no Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I would like to thank my beta ebroisbae for her support and feedback.

Slowly the molecules collect at the bottom, creeping towards the edge. At the pace of a glacier a dome forms, a dome of liquid gold illuminated by the sun’s rays. Molecules keep rushing in, until by the magic that is science, a drop forms, still connected to its source. Surface tension, such a marvelous thing. But with each new molecule joining its brothers, the drop grows in size until gravity finally wins the battle and it falls. Now disconnected from its origin, it forms an almost perfect little sphere. I can see it clearly now. Nature, it never fails to put me at awe. But the fall seems weirdly long, somewhere in the back of my head my mind wonders if something has happened to the course of time. The drop is still in the air, making its painfully long way down to the pool of liquid by which it is so desperately awaited.

 

Another drop forms. “… eyes…” This time it’s not golden, it has hardly any color at all. It’s dark outside now.  “I think her eyes …” The drop grows bigger quickly, falling to the surface underneath. Another drop forms and drops. “… her eyes …” Forms and drops. Forms and drops. “Her eyes are open.” Forms and drops. Drops. Drops. Drops. A face appears in my field of view. The face looks odd, but I can’t figure out why. Something tells me that faces are not supposed to look like this, but I just can’t put my finger on what’s wrong. I feel like I am about to panic, but my mind seems weirdly disconnected from my body. 

“Delphine?”, the voice belonging to the face asks. It sounds familiar. “Hey Del, everything’s alright, I am right here with you.” I feel my right hand being squeezed tightly.

 

The next time I open my eyes, I am blinded by what seems to be the early morning sun. I see an IV apparatus standing in front of a window. Why am I in a hospital? I try turning my head, but my action is swiftly chastised by a gripping pain in my neck and I groan. A head which had apparently rested on my bed before shoots up and a worried looking pair of eyes fixates on me.

“Del? Hey, are you awake?”, the figure whispers.

“Ou… oui…” I manage to croak. I try to clear my throat, but it’s impossibly dry.

“Oh Del!” Tears start streaming down the face and the tiny frame squeezes itself to me faster than I can look and wraps me in a tight but gentle embrace, head resting on my shoulder. I move my hands on top of the body pressed against mine. I enjoy the warmth of the touch, it lessens the coldness I’ve been feeling since regaining consciousness. After a couple of minutes in silence, I try speaking again, but my raspy voice barely manages to form words, let alone sentences.

“Kr… Krystal …” She lifts her head and takes a long good look at me.

“Shhh, shh, you don’t need to speak. Everything’s okay.”, she says while putting a stray strand of my blonde locks behind my ear. “Oh sorry, am I squishing you?” A shy smile splits her face and she quickly wipes her tears away. Sitting back down on her stool, her left hand reaches somewhere out of my field of view, while her right again clutches my hand. “Drink?”, she asks and offers me a little clear plastic cup filled with water. Since speaking doesn’t seem to work too well right now, I nod. Which again leaves me with a burning sensation in my neck. I wince, but Krystal luckily understands and guides the cup to my mouth. She patiently waits while I take a couple of slow sips and then sets the cup back down on the bedside table.

“H… hos… hospital?”, I manage to ask. Although my voice still sounds dark and raspy, I seem to slowly be regaining control over my articulation.

“Yes Del, you are in a hospital. But everything’s fine, don’t worry about it right now.” I feel like my mind slowly starts turning again and I take a closer look at her face. I can see red veins in her eyes. Remnants of her usually so carefully applied mascara are smeared everywhere. Her hair is a mess and her forehead is drawn together in a worried frown, clearly conflicting with the words she had just directed at me. Her pink lipstick however, still looks like it was just applied a minute ago. Krystal always preaches about the ups of only using big-brand make-up. ‘What good does your lipstick do you if it sticks to your mug instead of your lips?’ has always been one of her favorite lines. Even now that her lips are moving again, her pink lipstick performs admirably. I always thought that I knew make-up, but I have to admit that I have learnt more than a thing or two from Krystal in that department.

“Hellooo? Are you listening to me? Delphine?” Krystal looks worried and waves a hand in front of my face.

“Je suis désolée, what were you saying?” I clear my throat again, my voice now almost back to its normal pitch.

“I asked whether you remember what happened.” Remember what happened? I search my head, but come up with nothing. What did happen? “Don’t you remember anything? Anything at all?” She gives me a solemn look, the crease between her brows deepens. “Is this normal, shouldn’t she be able to remember what happened?” The question is not directed at me and for the first time I notice that there must be someone else in the room with us. Was the person here the whole time? Did they just walk in? With all the resolve I can muster, I turn my head to the other side of my bed and see an older gentleman standing there. White lab coat, old-fashioned glasses, clipboard in hand. Not looking at me, the doctor instead gives Krystal a reassuring smile.

“Well, your friend here suffered a severe concussion. She is extremely fortunate that some temporary memory loss is her only problem right now.” He puts down the clipboard on the bedside table and takes a step towards me. “Hello Ms. Cormier, I’m Dr. Nealon. How are you feeling?” I wonder what kind of answer Dr. Nealon expects to hear from someone in my position.

“I’m fine, I guess. My head hurts and my neck hurts. And I’m cold. But other than that I’m fine, just …”

“Yes?” he inquires.

“I’m just really tired.”

“Okay. Well Ms. Cormier, I’m going to do a few quick tests with you.”, he informs me while fishing for something in his breast pocket. After a couple of seconds he retrieves a small flash light, bends over to me and first shines it into my left and then my right eye. Seemingly satisfied with what he sees, he scribbles some notes onto his clipboard.

“What’s your full name Ms. Cormier?”

“Delphine Aurélie Cormier.”

“What’s your date of birth?”

“May 2nd 1990.”

“Place of Birth?”

“Paris, France.”

“What city are we in right now?”

“Baltimore.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Three.”

The doctor nods and gives me a smile. “Okay Ms. Cormier. Like I said, you are a very lucky lady. Hitting your head like that could have had much more grave consequences. You could have been dead. You have a sprained neck and a severe concussion, but there is no internal bleeding and you don’t show any serious impairments. However, with a traumatic head injury like this …”

“… long-term complications cannot be ruled out.”, I complete his sentence and sigh. “Je sais, I’ve done a rotation in Neurology.”

He looks at me for a couple of seconds and seemingly decides against saying whatever he was planning to say. “Very well then, you should get some rest. I’ll be checking in on you tomorrow morning.” And with a swift nod in Krystal’s direction, the doctor is gone.

“Rest does sound like a good idea, doesn’t it? You just woke up, but I can still see your eye lids growing heavier by the second.”, Krystal chuckles quietly.

“Oui, rest does sound good. Krystal?”

“Yes?”

“Can you stay?” I inquire with a pleading tone.

“Of course I’m staying. I’m not going to leave you here by yourself.” She gives my hand another squeeze and flashes me a big smile. A genuine smile. What would I do without her?

“You know, you look like you should catch up on some sleep yourself. Come here.” I pat the mattress next to me, which takes a lot more effort than it should, but Krystal doesn’t need to be asked twice. A moment later she is snuggled up to me, her head resting on my shoulder and my head resting on hers. I can feel her breath against my neck and her heartbeat on my chest. And with every passing beat of her heart, I drift away further and further.

“Del?” A whisper in my ear.

“Oui?”

“You know you’re my sister, right? I love you.” 

“I love you too, Krystal.”

The last thing I remember before falling asleep is her reaching for my hand and intertwining our fingers.

 

Somehow we both manage to sleep until the next morning and one by one the memories start coming back. The crappy morning I had. The massive headache. The talk with Krystal in my office. Lights out.

“Del, you can’t go on like this.”, she states matter-of-factly.

A sad smile spreads across my face. Should I argue with her? Tell her that I have this under control, just like I was planning to before the accident? Tell her that this is only going to continue for a couple more weeks, that there will be some time to catch my breath afterwards? There will be, right? Yeah, right. _‘You’re my sister, I love you.’_

No. She deserves better than being lied to. She deserves the truth. And even if I wanted to argue, I just don’t have the energy for it. We can’t go on like this.

“I know.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Oui, of course. You know that Krystal.”

“Good. I have something organized. You’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

Leaving? Tomorrow morning? Leaving for where? To do what? What about my research? What about the conference? A million questions race through my mind and I want to protest. But looking at Krystal again, I decide against it.

“D’accord.”

* * *

"Merde!" I can feel my stomach start turning and I break out in a cold sweat. If this hell ride continues like this, I can make no promises. The whole ride has been bumpy, but the last 5 minutes the bus has just been swaying from left to right while continuing its way down a steep hill.

I guess I should be exhausted, 6 hours on the plane and now another hour on this relic from the nineties, but weirdly enough I'm not. Turns out I spent four days at the hospital, sleeping through the first three completely and pretty much dozing with Krystal on the fourth. I always thought you can't catch up on sleep, but maybe I was wrong. Caught up or not, I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. I have decided put all thoughts about university and work behind me for now. What I have been doing clearly has not worked out. Maybe this is a turning point for me. If it only wasn't for the constant swaying.

"Oh, mon dieu!" The inside of my cheeks start to tingle and I can feel saliva collecting under my tongue. This is not good, not good at all. I press my right hand against my stomach in an attempt to get the nausea under control, but it does not help at all.

By now it's only a matter of time before I embarrass myself and I start frantically going through the pocket on the seat in front of me. Sure enough I find a brown paper bag and I clutch it in my hands.  Just when I think I cannot possibly take another second of this, the bus comes to a screeching halt.

"Merci, merci, merci.", I whisper and take a moment to rest my forehead against the cool window.

"Happy Vertebrate Farms!", the driver announces loudly. "Ms. ... Cormier, this is your stop!"

"Happy Vertebrate Farms?" I ask in disbelief and chuckle quietly. Maybe it's the absurdity of the situation, having just been spared the embarrassment of puking on a crowded bus or the realization that I will spend the next four weeks here, on Happy Vertebrate Farms, but I just can't hold on to it any longer and with a snort a loud laugh leaves my mouth. "Happy Vertebrate Farms?" I keep laughing and laughing and tears start rolling down my face.

"Yes Miss, Happy Vertebrate Farms. So do you want to get off now or would you like to join us for the rest of our journey?", he asks with an irritated undertone.

"Oh God, non! I'm getting off!" I quickly collect my belongings and let out a relieved sigh as soon as my feet hit steady ground. The driver hands me my small suitcase and without another word he steps back on the bus and drives off.

The first thing I notice is the air. It is smells fresh and earthy, totally different than in a big city. It's warm against my skin and I am thankful that for once I can be sure that I will not be constantly freezing the next four weeks. I'm standing on a gravel path and in front of me I can see nothing but grassy planes full of cows. There is a wooden fence separating the pasture from the path, but I can see no other markings, the pasture reaches as far as the eye can see. I can feel the sun's rays on my face and my neck and I close my eyes and just enjoy being here, enjoy being alive.

Moments like these remind me of my childhood. Every summer my parents would take me on a vacation somewhere sunny. Some summers it would be the beaches of southern France or Spain. Others it would be the Italian Alps or a Greek island. But what always stayed the same was the happiness I felt during those warm summer days and long summer nights. Memories flash through my mind. My mother on the beach wearing a huge hat, showing me a hermit crab she just found in the surf. My father grinning cheek to cheek, because he had just started the camp fire all by himself, standing tall, arms stretched to the sky, mountains in the background. Five year old me with sticky hands, looking in the mirror and seeing a completely white face; the first time I was allowed to apply sunscreen myself. These last four years, the only thing occupying my mind had been work. Now that I actually have time to think, I realize that I miss my parents terribly.

"Hello Miss, if you keep standing there like that, you will be lobster-colored in the morning!" I turn around and see a woman in her late fourties standing in front of an enormous farm house. She's in jeans and work boots, a dark flannel shirt covering her from the neck down, a hunting rifle slung across her shoulder. Her hair is chestnut and she smiles at me warmly. "The SoCal sun is unforgiving, you know?"

"Oui, merci. I guess I was just day dreaming." I blush and shake her hand. "I am supposed to report to a Ms. Sadler, Siobhan Sadler. Do you know where I could find her?"

"Well chicken, it looks like she already found you. I'm Siobhan and I am the owner of this beautiful place. You must be one of our new recruits. Welcome to Happy Vertebrate Farms!"

"Thank you Ms. Sadler. I ... ummm, oui, I guess I'm one of your recruits. I'm Delphine Cormier."

Her smile widens and I'm not sure what it is about her, but I feel like we have an instant connection. "So, Happy Vertebrate Farms is quite a name ..." I start and can't help but chuckle like a little child.

"Yeah, tell me about it! It's not like that was my idea.", she states with a grin and gestures for me to follow her. I take my bag and my suitcase and we start in the direction of the house. It is a beautiful two-story building and well taken care of. White wood, large windows, a spacious porch. The closer we get, the more I realize that it is even bigger than it looked from afar. A house that could easily accommodate 15 to 20 people.

As soon as we set foot on the porch I see that curiously enough, the front door is wide open. Sensing my confusion, Siobhan explains that the door being open is a symbol, a statement of purpose. "We accept everybody here, our door is always open. Come in and leave your burdens behind. In here, we are all equal.” Stepping through the door, we enter a wide entrance hall. I see racks with enough space to fit 20 pairs of shoes. "Everything's a little bigger here.", Siobhan chuckles. "With the group of new recruits coming in today, there will be 16 people living in this place."

"Everyone's staying in this house?", disbelief spreading across my face.

"Yes, I like to have everyone under one roof. We're family now." Standing in this strange place with a woman I don't even know, I still feel a warmth spreading through my chest. Is it really as easy as that?

"Family. That sounds nice."

"It is chicken, it is." Siobhan squeezes my arm and leads me through a spacious living room. There are Persian rugs on the chocolate-colored wooden floors and brown leather couches arranged around a large fire place. On the far left end of the room there is the entrance to an open kitchen that is probably bigger than my apartment back in Baltimore. White fronts, dark wooden counters. Groceries strewn across the huge kitchen island. "With so many people here, there will always be some disarray,", Siobhan states apologetically.

"Oh please, don't apologize for that. This is a beautiful place!"

"Thank you. Well, it definitely has taken some time to build, but I'm very proud of what we have accomplished ... As you can see, this is the living room. Most of us spend our evenings here, sitting in front of the fireplace. After a long day of work, there is nothing better. You have already seen the kitchen. You live here now, so feel free to use anything that's in there and help yourself to food as well. We always have dinner together, but with all the work to do, most of the time the other meals are just grab and go for us." She motions me to step into the kitchen.

"Thank you Siobhan, that is really generous of you ... I don't even know what to say." She looks at me with these piercing blue eyes and for a second I feel like she can see right through me.

"You don't have to say anything. This", she point to a door at the far end of the kitchen, "is the back door leading to our chicken coops and to the pastures where we keep our sheep."

"Sheep?"

"Yes, sheep.", Siobhan smiles. "I'll tell you all about our animals and farm work later during the assembly." We step back into the living room and Siobhan points to a wide corridor to our right. It is well lit and there are pictures on the wall. At the end of the corridor is a large wooden staircase. "Over there are a few bedrooms and bathrooms. The last door on the right is my office, the last door on the left is our library. Feel free to look around in there when you have the time. I mean if you have the time.", she chuckles. "The staircase leads to the second floor where the rest of the bedrooms and bathrooms are, as well as our sanctuary."

"Sanctuary?", I ask confused. "Well, we call it sanctuary. Living here with so many people it can just get pretty noisy sometimes. So if we need a moment for ourselves, that's where we go. There is no talking allowed in there, no music. Just you and your heartbeat." Just me and my heartbeat. I can't remember the last time it was just me and my heartbeat. Was it during my undergrad days? I used to meditate back then, start every day with a 20-minute session. Now it feels like that was a million years ago. I take a mental note of that sanctuary and vow to pay it a visit as soon as I can.

Siobhan takes a step to the left and leads us away from the corridor. Crossing the living room, we step through an open doorway and I find myself standing in front of a reception desk. I can see a dark head of hair, a young guy sitting behind the desk, crouched over his phone. He clearly hasn't even noticed us yet. Siobhan steps around the counter. "Ahem!"

The young man jumps and turns around to look at her. "Holy Tilda Swinton! Mrs. S., you almost gave me a bloody heart attack!" I am surprised by his thick British accent. In a place like this, the last person I expected to see was a twenty-something Brit dressed in skinny jeans and a tank top with sparkly skull embellishments.

"Felix, would you do us the honor to check in this new recruit?", Siobhan says with a stern voice, but I can clearly see the jest in her eyes.

"I would simply love to!", he responds sarcastically, but he can't keep a smile from spreading on his face. Now turning to me, he extends his hand over the counter. "Hi, I'm Felix Dawkins. Welcome to Happy Vertebrate Farms! I am the resident HR and PR person and pretty much just the general dogsbody. It’s a pleasure to meet you"

"My name is Delphine. Delphine Cormier. Nice to meet you, too.” I shake his hand.

"Oh my God, you're French! And, oi! You got a firm handshake going as well! I already like you, Mademoiselle! Just give me a second and I'll get you checked in." He turns to the computer and starts typing away on his keyboard.

Suddenly I hear footsteps behind be. I turn around and see a short brunette entering the room, more concerned with the phone in her hand than with anything else. She wears a burgundy top and a long and flowy cardigan, patterned harem pants and bamboo flip flops, which allow a look at the silver ring she wears on her right pinky toe, one that matches the piercing on her nose. Dreadlocked hair up in a lazy bun, the eyes behind her black glasses, framed by thick eye liner, still fixed on her phone. She keeps walking, but stops dead in her tracks when she realizes that she is about to collide with me. "Whoa ...", she goes and looks up at me. "... sorry."

And finally our eyes meet. Her eyes are hazel, the outer part of the iris is almost green, the inner part a light brown. Where the colors meet, strands of brown spread into the green, like the arms of a nebula reaching for the stars around. I look into her eyes and I can see the universe. I look into her eyes and I melt.


	3. Enchantée

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you goes out again to my beta ebroisbae for her immensely valuable feedback and to Marta_TP for some really helpful advice.

I look into her eyes and I melt. I look into her eyes and the world stands still.

They are the darkest shade of brown with a slight shimmer of gold in the center. They seem so deep that I lose myself in them.

Suddenly I feel my heart beating fast, even faster, a pressure builds in my temple and I realize that I have held my breath the whole time I've been staring at her. How long has it been? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I have no idea.

Only now after reminding myself to breathe do I notice the rest of her face. The tiny freckle on her nose, the full lips now slightly agape, the sweet little mole just under her mouth. And the hair, holy fuck the hair. Luscious golden curls frame her face and fall just to her shoulders. After my once-over, my gaze returns to her eyes. I am pretty sure that this girl is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. And right now I am staring at her like a total creep.

I should say something, right? Anything. But what should I say? _'Hey, sorry for staring at you like that. But you're absolutely drop dead gorgeous so I couldn't help myself.'?_ Yeah, right. It's fight or flight, fight or flight. Come on Cos, think of something to say. You're making a total fool out of yourself. Fight or flight. Because the fight part doesn't seem to be working right now, looking at her just drains all of the words out of me, I decide to take the only other option that is left.

Still fixating her eyes, I take a couple of steps back and turn around to quickly leave the house and get my thoughts back together. But instead of accomplishing a smooth exit, I turn around and run face first into the doorframe. "Fuck!" My nose feels like someone put a hammer to it and when I open my eyes again I realize that it is bleeding furiously. I hold my hand to my nose to stop it from bleeding everywhere and quickly stumble into the living room. But before I can make my way outside to save myself from any more embarrassment, I hear a heavily accented voice behind me go “Wait!". A millisecond later I feel a warm hand on my arm, turning me around to once again look into those mesmerizing eyes. "Come, we need to stop the bleeding!", she says and pulls me into the kitchen. She takes my glasses from me, positions me in front of the sink, and puts a hand on my shoulder. I shiver and think to myself that this would totally be worth a broken nose. Still, it hurts like a mofo. "You need to let the blood drain out. Wash it off, but don't press on your nose!", the gorgeous blonde goes and only now do I realize that her accent clearly is French. She takes a step towards the fridge and starts rummaging through the freezer. After a couple of seconds, she seemingly finds what she is looking for. I don't see what she's doing because I'm too concerned that I am going to bleed out through my nose. But a second later she is by my side again, really really close, her body flush with mine, and she reaches around me to gently press something to my nose. It's really cold.

"I know it's cold, I'm sorry." I did not realize that I had said that out loud, but oh well.

"What is this?", I go and my voice takes on a funny pitch, because my nose is totally blocked by now.

"It's a bag of frozen corn", she replies and can't keep from chuckling and I feel her body shaking next to mine as laughter builds up inside her. She clearly tries to hold it in, but after a couple of seconds she just can't anymore and let's out a long laugh. I've never really had a favorite sound before, but now I do. Her laughter is totally infectious and before I know it, a smile splits my face and I start laughing as well. I can feel her shaking by my side and can't believe how lucky I am in this moment. It's almost like our bodies were made to fit together. _What the hell, Cos? Get your shit together!_ I know it's weird and I know I don't know her, but I can't help but feel a sense of intimacy with her, not like any I've felt before.

After standing there for a couple of minutes, me bending over the sink and her pressing a bag of frozen corn to my nose, laughing like two total idiots, the bleeding has finally stopped.

"Bon, I think it should be fine now", she states with a smile as she removes the corn from my face. I put my hand to my nose and don't see any red. I take the opportunity to wash off the dried blood and while she puts the corn away, I carefully touch my nose to figure out if it really is broken. "Ouch, damn that hurts!"

"Hey, don't do that! Come here, let me see", she turns me around so I face her. "Let me ...", she starts and puts her hands to my nose. But her movements aren't uncoordinated and clumsy like mine were. Her lower lip is sucked between her teeth and she chews on it, deep in concentration. She gently lays her hands on my face and puts both of her index fingers on either side of my nose, carefully tracing my _os nasale_. Still, the pressure on my nose makes me wince and I can feel a single tear drop rolling down my cheek.

"Oh, pauvre petit chiot!" She gives me the most adorable look. Oh my God, French. She's not only pretty and smart, she also speaks French! I am fucked. She repositions her hands to hold my face and wipes the tear away with her thumb. She gazes into my eyes almost ... lovingly? I've only known her for five minutes, what am I thinking? But my thoughts are cut off by her angel-like voice.

"It's not broken. I know it hurts like hell and you should really cool it, but it's going to be okay again in no time." She smiles at me reassuringly and I feel my knees getting weak. Then she drops her hands and I want to tell her to put them back. I want to feel her warmth on my skin, to smell that smell of jasmine and vanilla that clings to her.

_Holy watershed, get it together Cos! Don't be such a creep, just try to start a normal conversation for once!_

"So, ummm ... I guess you are a doctor then?"

"Non, not a doctor. Not yet, anyway. I'm still one semester away from my M.D."

"Wow, that's so cool!" Oh really, now the geek monkey comes out? She must think I'm a total idiot. 

"Oui, I guess it's ... cool." Another smile and I can see her cheeks turn pink. I am pretty sure she is able to hear the sigh that escapes my mouth.

"Well, I think this is the most awkward way to meet someone ever." I chuckle nervously and I feel my face getting really warm as well. By now I'm probably red like a fire hydrant. It seems like my hands are moving on their own, dancing in crazy circles between us. So much about making a good impression. "Can we, like, umm ... can we just start again maybe?" I extend my hand and flash her my brightest smile. "I'm Cosima."

She takes my hand and smiles back at me, her eyes beaming.

"Delphine. Enchantée."

"Um, enchantée!" Another smile and for the first time I notice her adorable dimples. I am fucked beyond hope.

"So, Dr. Delphine, what am I supposed to do about this?" I stick my tongue between my teeth and point to my nose, careful not to touch it. I need to do the pointing with my left hand, since my right is still entangled with hers.

"Well, you're a cheeky one, aren't you?", she says, smiling widely. "Like I said, you should cool it. Maybe not with that bag of corn though, there surely is a first aid kit somewhere with a cool pack in it, non?" I nod, careful not to make any swift movements. Now she takes my right into both of her hands and squeezes it. "Look, Cosima ...", my heart flutters when I hear her say my name with that sweet accent of hers. "... I'm really sorry this happened. I feel like it was my fault, you must have been startled to see me standing there and then you turned around and ..." Her voice trails off and she looks at me with her dark puppy eyes.

"Oh no! No, no, no, that wasn't your fault! That was just clumsy me over here!" I gesture widely to get my point across.

"Oui, mais ... I still feel bad. Just ... just let me have a look at it again tomorrow to make sure everything's okay." A hopeful look crosses her face. And now I see it. _She likes you, too!_ My heart jumps with joy and a rush of adrenaline runs through my veins.

"Aye aye Dr. Delphine!" I use my free hand to salute her and am once again awarded with a blush. I am pretty sure that I could do this all day every day for the rest of my life, standing here just talking to her.

"Cormier", she goes and a smile forms on her face again.

"Huh?"

"My last name is Cormier. It would be Dr. Cormier then. Although you're not allowed to use the title until the dissertation is through, so you really shouldn't call me that. Unless you want to get me into trouble that is."

"Me getting you into trouble?" I grin mischievously, not even trying to hide my flirting advances anymore. "I would never do that Dr. Cormier!" She shakes her head at me with a smile and in that moment Mrs. S. enters the kitchen. Delphine quickly drops my hand and takes a step back, creating a bothering distance between us. My heart drops and I am not sure how to interpret the look on her face. Embarrassment? Regret? She looks like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar and the electricity between us is gone. My heart sinks.

"I heard someone needed an ice pack", Mrs. S. goes and hands it to me and then looks at Delphine. "You're checked in. Felix is waiting for you, he's going to show you your room."

Delphine nods furiously. "Oui, merci!" She starts to make her way out of the kitchen. After passing Mrs. S., she shoots me one more glance and then she's gone. Mrs. S. looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Do you really think this is a good idea, Cosima?"

"Hm? What's a good idea?", I ask innocently.

"I am neither blind nor stupid, don't play me a fool. You are one clumsy gal, but running head first into a doorframe is another level, even for you. Spill!" I can see that she is in no mood to jest. Her blue eyes look into mine, demanding an explanation.

"What do you want me to say, Mrs. S.? I am not going to apologize for my heart." I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the counter. She doesn't say anything at first, like she is contemplating on how to proceed.

"Cosima ..." Her features change into something softer. "... your heart? You've only known her for five minutes." She steps closer to me and leans against the kitchen island directly opposite of me.

"I ..., you don't ..." I trail off, I'm not sure what to say. It's true, I've only known her for five minutes. But it's also true that the second I laid my eyes on her, something happened. "She's special, Mrs. S. I can't explain it, I know it sounds crazy. But ..." I put my hands in the air in defensive manner. "... she's special and something happened between us and I think she felt it, too."

She nods slightly, but doesn't look convinced. "Chicken, whatever you think there is between the two of you, you should also think about why our recruits are here, why she's here. They are here because somewhere they went wrong. They are here because they need to clear their mind. She's vulnerable right now and you shouldn't take advantage of that. Diving head first into another drama would not be good, neither for her, nor for you."

I let her words sink in for a moment. I've only known Mrs. S. for a year now, but I would trust her with my life. Whenever I needed help, she was there. Whenever I needed someone to listen to me, she was there. Whenever I needed advice, she was there. I know that she only wants the best for me, for Delphine, for all of us.

I let out a sigh and close my eyes.


	4. Stardust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my beta ebroisbae without whose support I wouldn't even have had the guts to post a single chapter of this story.  
> This is a double update 'cause chapter 4 has a lot of background and not much Cophine interaction and we all know that we need Cophine!
> 
> I also have become more organized in my writing. A new chapter will be posted every Friday from now on, I hope you stick around and join me for the ride!

The door closes with a soft thud and I am alone in my room, my new home for the next four weeks. Felix was kind enough to show me upstairs and managed to tell me everything about himself, from his early life in the streets of London to being fostered by Siobhan and his endless love for his fiancé, Colin, in the process.

Now that I am alone, my thoughts go back to the dreadlocked girl that's probably still downstairs in the kitchen. "Cosima," I whisper to myself and close my eyes. I think of her and an image comes back to me. Her holding my hand, pointing to her bruised nose, tongue between her teeth and that cheeky sparkle in her eyes. My heart jumps. I don't know how this happened or when this happened, but my stomach is suddenly filled with butterflies. How is this possible? "Incroyable."

When I open my eyes again, I take in the room for the first time. A wooden floor and cream-colored walls. Two large windows overlooking the pastures in the back of the house. A wooden queen-sized bed covered by a thick quilt. A white dresser with a huge mirror above it. This is so different from my apartment, so different from my ... style? Yet it already feels like home. Stepping closer to the windows, I can see tiny particles of dusk in the air, illuminated by the late afternoon sun.

* * *

 

The sight takes me back to my sixth birthday. Having just unwrapped my new Lego set—I was never one for 'girly' toys, what are 'girly' toys anyways?—I sat on the ground in my parents living room. My whole family was there to celebrate with me, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles and cousins. And of course papa et maman. Papa was sitting next to me, helping me sort the little plastic pieces when suddenly a wondrous spectacle caught my eye. For the first time I noticed those little particles in the air, dancing around in intricate designs, only visible because the sun shone right through our window. "Papa," six-year old me said, "qu'est-ce que c'est?" pointing to my newfound discovery.

"That ..." Papa smiled his wide smile and I would only realize much later that I got my dimples from him. "That, my little pumpkin, is dust." I mulled over his words for a couple of seconds, my forehead scrunched up in deep thought.

"But papa, I thought the air was empty!" A pout formed on my face.

"Oh pumpkin, the air is anything but empty!" He laughed and grabbed me, pulling me onto his lap. "Remember the other day when I told you about water?" I did remember, he had only told me a couple of days before. I nodded enthusiastically.

"Oui, there is Oxygen and Hydrogen in water and they stay together because they share el... ele..." six-year old me had problems with the word electrodes, but papa came to my rescue.

"Electrodes," he said and I repeated it gleefully, careful to pronounce it correctly.

"Electrodes!" a proud smile forming on my face.

"Exactly pumpkin! So with the air, it's basically the same thing. It is made out of Oxygen and Nitrogen and Hydrogen and a lot of other elements and they stick together forming molecules."

"Molecules," I repeated, making sure to submit this new word to my memory.

"And in the air, there are millions and billions and trillions of those molecules. They just happen to be so teeny tiny that we can't see them. But they are all around us, moving in every direction, just like the dust you see up there." With my eyes wide, I looked at him, totally dumbstruck. "As a matter of fact, we are made up of the exact same molecules, water and air is made out of."

Six-year old me was not quite convinced by that point. "The same mole... molecules? How come we are not wibbly wobbly like water or air then?" I poked papa in the chest with my index finger, proud of the smart question I had just asked.

Papa let out a long laugh. "That," he went and started to tickle me, "is a very good question, pumpkin!" He continued to tickle and tickle until happy tears were streaming down my face and I was wiggling in his arms. "But I think that question has to wait for another day, your maman has a surprise for you."

At the word 'surprise' my face lit up again, now full of anticipation.

"Still," papa went on, "I want you to remember this: We are all made of the same stuff. You, me, your maman. Every bird up in the sky and every fish in the sea. The sun, the moon, the air and water. We are all made up of molecules. We are all made up of stardust."

"Stardust," I repeated quietly.

* * *

 

"Stardust." A smile forms on my face and a warmth spreads in my chest. We are made of the same stuff the universe is made of. The universe. _Her eyes._ A shiver runs down my spine. Her eyes that looked so hurt when I panicked like a child as soon as Siobhan stepped into the kitchen. I sigh loudly and realize only now that the assembly starts in 30 minutes. I quickly start to unpack my suitcase, putting my clothes into the dresser and my toiletries into the adjacent bathroom. Sink, toilet, shower. Not necessarily pretty, but functional, plus it has a window and I can see the blue skies slowly turning darker outside.

I get to the library just in time. I enter through the large double doors and see at once that this is not a modern and functional room, this is an old-timely library. Dark wooden shelves full of books cover the walls from top to bottom. There are antique reading lights and sofas and arm chairs that are mostly already occupied by people. 

I can see Siobhan standing at the other end of the room, talking to a young man. He is tall, probably around 6'3" or 6'4", and has clear-cut features are emphasized by his scruffy stubble. He wears a flannel shirt with pulled up sleeves and his short light brown hair is covered by a baseball hat he has on backwards. Siobhan and him are laughing about something and he gives her a quick hug before leaving the room.

She turns towards the group and gestures for people to stop talking and the loud hum that has enveloped the room immediately dies down.

"Welcome everyone! If you haven't done so, finding a seat would be a good idea." I look around and realize that I am the only person left standing. I quickly scan the room and see an empty seat on a sofa near the front left corner. I sit down next to a woman in her late twenties with long dark hair. She gives me a small smile and the curly-haired little girl who is sitting on her lap grins and waves at me. I wave back, but Siobhan is trying to get everyone's attention, so I turn to her.

"So once again welcome everyone! Welcome to Happy Vertebrate Farms! I believe everyone of you knows me by now, but let me quickly introduce myself ..."

A movement in the corner of my eye catches my attention and I turn around to see that someone has just entered the library, more than ten minutes late.

"Cosima!" I whisper excitedly and my heart starts beating faster. Her nose is swollen and bruised, but her encounter with the doorframe could have ended much worse. She's looking for a seat, but this place is packed, so she has to come to the very front of the room. Siobhan keeps talking and it's obvious that Cosima tries to make her way to the front gracefully and quietly, but she is very much failing. People keep moving to let her through and when she hits her foot one of the wooden tables and causes a loud noise to echo, Siobhan stops and turns to her.

"Hello Cosima, I'm so glad you could make time to join us. You're late."

She holds her hands up in surrender. "I know Mrs. S., I know I'm late. I'm sorry! Kinda always late so kinda always sorry ..." she trails off.

"Well then, would you be so kind to find a seat so we can continue?"

Cosima nods and quickly makes her way to the front, sitting down on the opposite side of the room. I just cannot seem to take my eyes of her. I take her in, her tiny frame and her expressive clothing. My gaze returns to her eyes and I see her looking at me, face now split into an enormous grin. I can feel my face getting really warm and quickly direct my attention back to Siobhan.

"... we don't care where you are from, we don't care what got you here. Most of you are at a point in your life where you are forced to make a decision. A decision to either go down the rabbit hole or go back to the surface, back to the light. No one here can take that decision from you, but we hope that the next four weeks will allow you to clear your mind and focus on what is really important. Focus on who you are and who you want to be."

Siobhan's eyes meet mine and for a second it feels like she is talking to me, only me. But she quickly diverts her gaze and the odd moment is over.

"Alright then, let's get down to business!" Siobhan claps her hands and her demeanor changes instantly. She goes from deadly serious soul searching to happy mother hen in about 0.3 seconds.

"As you all know, this is a working farm. Our main areas of business are milk and cheese production as well as selling wool from our sheep. We also have a quite large chicken coop right at the back of the house and we take in rescues, so you will find all sorts of animals running around on the farm. We sell our products on the farmer's market in town every Wednesday and Saturday. We do grow some veggies in the little garden out back, but those are mainly for our own consumption. Everything on this farm is organic, a fact that we are very proud of. Still we are a small farm and with the economy where it is right now, we rely on volunteers like you to run this place. So now I'd like to introduce our team." She gestures into the audience and Cosima is the first one to stand up and join Siobhan up front. The next one to leave her seat is the woman sitting next to me and her daughter happily skips along. Felix appears from somewhere in the back, I haven't even noticed him before. Lastly, a young guy with big glasses and the nerdiest hairdo one can imagine goes to join them. Cosima flashes him a grin and gives him two thumbs up and I can't help a smile from spreading on my face as well.

"This is four fifths of our team," Siobhan starts. "You all know Felix, he is the one doing all the organizational work for the farm."

Felix makes a point to bow down before adding a snarky "Do not believe I will go anywhere near a cow!" which he earns a good amount of laughs for. Everyone is focused on him and his sparkly appearance, but my eyes are somewhere else entirely. Cosima is standing next to him, legs crossed and hands in her back pocket. She is still wearing those flip flops she had on earlier, allowing once again a look at that ring on her pinky toe. This is the first time I have the chance to really look at her and the longer I do, the more I am drawn to her. While I was distracted, Siobhan must have introduced Cosima to the group, because now she takes one of her hands out of her pockets and waves at the audience with a bright smile.

"Alright, next up is Sarah and her daughter Kira." The little girl jumps in the air and flashes us her biggest grin.

"Hi everyone!" Sarah goes and I realize that she has the same British accent as Felix. "Come on now monkey, you're going to scare them away with your big teeth!" But Kira doesn't mind her mother at all and continues dancing around in between the people up front. 

"Last but not least, this is Scott" Siobhan goes and points at the young guy with the big glasses.

"Hello ..." he smiles nervously. He seemingly can't decide between waving and giving us a thumbs up, so he settles for the okay sign, forming a ring with his thumb and index finger. His face turns bright red as he nervously steps from one foot to the other and he is visibly relieved when Siobhan continues.

"There is actually one more team member, who is in the kitchen right now, taking care of dinner." A few claps and whistles go through the room. "His name is Phoenix, really tall, wears a baseball hat. An excellent cook by the way, you'll meet him after this." That must have been the guy Siobhan was talking to earlier ...

My eyes go back to Cosima and now it's my turn to see her staring at me, deep in thought, playing with the rings on her finger. Our eyes meet, but this time none of us is quick to avert their gaze.

"... going to split you up into teams ..."

I take her in and in the back of my head a soft voice sounds that maybe I shouldn't be that obvious, that maybe I shouldn't show my apparent curiosity this openly. But I don't pay that voice any attention.

"... Hendrix, Donnie Chubbs, Art Bell, you are with Phoenix ..."

In this moment, I just can't bring myself to care how this looks like, to care what others think.

"... Beth Childs, Paul Dierden, ..."

I have never felt this way before, that just looking at a person makes my heart skip a beat.

"... you are with Sarah."

And that look on her face, that look of complete vulnerability, somehow makes me think that she must feel the same way.

"... Chevalier, Aynsley Norris, Angela Deangelis, you are with Scott ..."

I know that this doesn't make any sense, I don't even know her.

"... Cormier ..."

But what I felt in the kitchen, what I feel right this moment, this can't be wrong.

"... Cormier ..."

This can't be wrong. A smile spreads across my face and her face lights up as well. Her eyes take on that wonderful sparkle again.

"... Cormier ..."

She sticks out her tongue at me and I can feel myself blush like a middle schooler.

"DELPHINE! Helloooo!" I jump, startled by Siobhan's loud voice and her waving her hands right in my face.

"Oui?"

"Are you here with us?" Siobhan gestures towards the audience and I turn around to see everybody staring at me. By now I'm pretty sure that my face has taken on the color of a tomato.

"Oui, of course! Desolée ... What were you saying?"

"I was saying that since you are not allowed to do any heavy lifting the next couple of days because of you concussion, you will not be joining any of the teams. Come see me after the assembly and we will find you something to do."

"Bon, I will do that." I nod.

"Wonderful. The day after tomorrow, we are hosting a big barbecue, which will also function as our annual fundraiser for our rescue operations. We expect a couple of hundred visitors. Owners of the surrounding farms as well as families from the city. There will be food and music, we will offer our products, and there will of course be a little entertainment program for the kids. The highlight of the event will be the traditional auction, but we will tell you more about that later. So tomorrow we need to get everything ready for the big day. Team Phoenix, you will prepare food and music. Team Sarah will take care of the cows and get our rescues ready to meet the kids. Team Scott will take care of the sheep and prepare our produce and cheese stalls. Any questions up to this point?"

People shake their heads, everything seems to be pretty clear so far.

"Very well. Your team leaders will find you after this to go through their plans for tomorrow. Dinner should be done in 10 minutes or so and you have the rest of the evening off to get to know each other and maybe go explore a little."

"Explore!" Kira goes and jumps into Siobhan's arms.

"That's right monkey, explore!" Siobhan says.

"One last thing ..." she puts Kira on her hip and warm smile spreads on her face.

"Welcome to the family. We are glad to have you here."


	5. Dionaea muscipula

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out again to my amazing beta ebroisbae!

The assembly is closed and everyone jumps up, eager to get to dinner.

Delphine however shoots me a glance and is slower to get up. Another blush creeps across her face as she approaches Mrs. S. I almost feel bad, knowing that I was the reason she was so distracted that she didn't realize S. was talking to her.

I watch and just can't take my eyes off her. It's not just that she's beautiful, which she is, but she moves with such a grace, light on her feet like a little elf. She is wearing black skinny jeans and a white blouse with a horse print tucked into her pants. A pretty timid outfit, were it not for the black bra clearly visible underneath. I chuckle to myself.

She's talking to Mrs. S. now and uses her hands just as much as her mouth to get her point across. Her gestures ripple through her whole body and I can’t help but sneak a look at her perfectly sized breasts and her flat stomach. I sigh. That woman is almost too much to handle. Another look at her slender figure lets a slight pang of worry rip through my heart though. She is too skinny, so skinny that I make a resolve to try my best to put some meat on her bones while she’s here. My gaze returns to her face, but on the way there I notice a quarter-sized scar on the right side of her chest. The tissue is protruding and a little lighter than the surrounding skin, whatever caused this must have been pretty painful. I start thinking about what might have happened, but obviously get nowhere with it.

When I notice the embarrassed look on the French woman’s face, I decide to step a little closer so I can eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Je suis desolée Siobhan. I was ..., I was ..."

"Distracted." Mrs. S. completes her sentence. "Yes, I saw that." She is awarded with another blush.

"So the doctor's orders for you are no heavy lifting and no physical exertion for the next two days, correct?"

"Oui, that's correct. Just a precaution because of the concussion ..."  Delphine looks down, her lower lip sucked between her teeth.

"Well, better be safe than sorry. Hmm, no physical exertion ... you could join Felix in the office or you could help me distribute the invitations ..."

"Or!" I jump in between, arms stretched in a tadaa-gesture, "you could join me! In the totally not physically exerting things I will be doing tomorrow!"

They both turn to face me, Delphine with the most gorgeous smile on her lips and Mrs. S. with a frown on her face.

"Only if you'd like that of course," I add with a smile.

"Oui, I would ... like that, Cosima." She does it again, saying my name with her unbelievably cute French accent. I can feel my heart beat faster at the thought of spending an entire day with her. We both turn to Mrs. S., awaiting a decision.

Her face still in a frown, she takes a long look at Delphine, who returns her stare bravely. Next she turns to me and I do my best not to look too desperate. Her blue eyes are piercing and the longer she looks at me, the more sure I am that I can't keep anything from her. She can read me like an open book. I don't know what causes her decision, whether it's Delphine's hopeful look or the pleading in my eyes. But something in Mrs. S. changes. I can almost see ... resignation?

"Fine." I throw my arms into the air in triumph and I can see another wide smile spread across Delphine's face. "Just remember what we talked about, Cosima," S. adds quietly.

"Sure thing Mrs. S., don't worry!" I assure her. I give her a quick hug and whisper a "Thank you!" into her ear. She just squeezes my arm in response.

In a bout of unreasonable bravery, I offer Delphine my hand.

"Mademoiselle, may I take you to dinner?" I ask in my best French accent.

"Oui, je le voudrais." She lets out a long laugh and takes my hand. The only thing keeping me from cardiac arrest is her perfect little face. One hour. I've only met her one hour ago and already I am so far gone.

With the happiest look on my face, I squeeze her hand and we start making our way out of the library.

"How is your nose?" she asks as soon as we pass the doors.

"Oh it's fine! Don't worry about it, Dr. Cormier!" I assure her and am awarded with fake pout and a grin in return.

We make our way down the hallway, but just before we enter the living room, I pull her to a stop.

"Actually, would you mind if we took a little detour? I'm kinda cold, I think I need to put on a sweater."

"Non, of course! I don't mind, Cosima." There it is again, my heart skips a beat. Does she keep saying my name on purpose? I'm pretty sure I'm grinning like an idiot by now.

I open a door to pull her into the last room on the left side of the corridor.

I make sure to close the door behind her and go "Bienvenue ..." I really wish I had paid more attention to French in school "... chez ... moi?" I try to hide my lacking language skills by flashing her my biggest smile. I think it's working.

"This is your room?"

"Yes, I know it's not the coolest place ever ..." but she doesn't even let me finish my sentence.

"Dionaea muscipula!" she exclaims and takes a step towards my window sill.

"Damn girl, you are such a nerd!" Were I not already head over heels into that lady, I'd surely be now. I step closer and join her in front of my window.

"I love venus flytraps, they are absolutely fascinating!" she goes as she sticks her finger into one of the traps and giggles excitedly when it quickly closes. "And I think between the two of us, you clearly are the bigger nerd!" She points to the huge printout of the periodic table of elements above my bed. There is a sparkle in her eyes and her mouth forms a crooked smile.

I should be weighing my options; I should be taking this slow. But somehow my brain has decided to stop working in the presence of this gorgeous blonde. It's like I feel myself being drawn to her, the closer I get the stronger the pull. _Fuck it._

"I'd say we are about even, Dr. Cormier." I stand on my toes and lean really close to whisper in her ear. I can see the hair on her neck stand up. The atmosphere in the room changes instantly.

She turns to me and our faces are only inches apart. Once again I look into those haunting eyes, which have taken on a dark golden color. I can hear my heartbeat in my eardrums, and my mouth is suddenly dry. I look into her eyes, but her gaze clearly is averted, focusing instead on my mouth. She licks her lips and takes a step forward and now our bodies are flush again, fitting together perfectly. Still, the distance between our faces has not changed. I can feel her breath tickle my nose as her gaze wanders from my lips back to my eyes.

"Cosima," she whispers, barely audible, and puts both of her hands on my face, now tracing my lower lip with the nail of her thumb. A shiver runs down my spine.

I put my hands on her hips, hesitant at first, but when I see no objection, I lock my hands behind her back in a tight embrace. Somehow we move closer, even closer, until our noses are almost touching, not breaking that electric link between our eyes.

Suddenly there is a series of loud knocks on the door. Both of us jump, but we still manage not to leave our positions too much.

"KIDS! DINNER!" a loud voice sounds outside. It's clearly Phoenix, his timing is just immaculate. I can hear him walk down the hallway knocking on the other doors.

Delphine is still caressing my face and our eyes lock again. As we slowly inch closer, I can see her licking her lips again. But somewhere in my head an alarm goes off. _Not like this, Cos. You need to do it right._

She moves in closer and closer and the pull is so strong, that there is no way I can halt this anymore. _You need to do it right._

I take my hands off her back and put them on her face, mimicking the grip she has on mine.

And when there is nowhere to go but closer, I guide her head to mine. But instead of locking our lips in a kiss, I guide our foreheads to rest against each other in a gesture maybe even more intimate than a kiss.

Something in her eyes changes. _Wrong decision?_ But I can see a smile forming on her lips. Now she is the one to make the next move, closing her eyes and guiding our face closer together so our noses touch in an Eskimo kiss. The moment feels like pure bliss and although we are just standing here in an old farmhouse in SoCal, with a nerdy venus flytrap next to us, I don't think I've ever felt this happy before.

I can hear her let out a long breath, almost like she had been holding it in the whole time. Something in her changes, it's like the tension drains out of her. Her thumb starts stroking my face again, this time not on my lip, but on my cheekbone.

Now closing my eyes as well, I move one of my hands from her face into her amazing hair and start playing with her curls. I could stay like this forever, but sure enough another loud knock on the door makes us jump again, disconnecting our faces in the process, both of us dropping our hands as well.

"KIDS!" I love that guy like a brother, but sometimes I would like to stick his feet into concrete and drown him in the Pacific Ocean. "DINNER!" Phoenix yells right outside my door.

I give Delphine my most exasperated look.

"That dude has like the worst timing ever," I go and can't help but smile at how disheveled she looks.

"Oui, worst timing ever." Her cheeks have taken on a pink color and her lips are flaming red. Lips that now echo my smile. "Well, I am kind of hungry now." As if on cue, her stomach grumbles loudly and I can't help but giggle.

"Whoa, okay, I guess I better feed you then!" I poke my tongue out between my teeth and am awarded with the widest smile. Damn, her teeth. I haven't even noticed them before, but they are so white, it almost hurts my eyes. They are so perfect. _Everything about her is perfect._

Too late do I realize that I'm staring at her again.

"Cosima," she goes and laughs. I turn my attention back to her eyes and now it's my turn to blush.

"You wanted to put on a sweatshirt, non? We should maybe go to dinner or else they might get weird ideas about what we are doing in here," she says with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Yeah, probably!" I agree and after drawing her in for a couple more seconds, I go over to my closet to pull out a burgundy sweater.

Now what? Do I change my shirt in front of her? Do I do it in the bathroom? No, going into the bathroom for that would be totally awkward. Girls see other girls in their bras all the time, right? _Right?_ Since me standing there with my sweater in hand and not making any move to actually put it on must be a pretty odd sight, I decide that I can't possibly stay in this position any longer. So I just drop the sweater onto the bed and with two swift movements remove my cardigan and my top.

In between of the items of clothing passing in front of my eyes, I can see Delphine staring at me, gnawing on her bottom lip and holding on to the windowsill. When I'm finally stripped down to my bra, her eyes start to wander. Downwards from my face, I can almost feel her tracing my neck with her gaze, lingering on my breasts longer than seems appropriate. After what seems like forever, she continues down towards my abs, licking her lips again. I would love to just stay like this, watching her look at me. But if we don't appear in the kitchen within the next two minutes, someone's going to come for us again and probably drag us out of here with their bare hands. So I pick up the sweater and pull it over my head.

I take a step towards Delphine and offer her my hand again.

"Ready?"


	6. Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because I'll be super busy tomorrow and don't want to keep you waiting. Hope you enjoy!  
> Also, as always, huge thank you to my lovely beta ebroisbae!

When we arrive in the kitchen, the room is bustling with people. Some are just standing around drinking beers, some are helping themselves to food, others are making their way out through the back door to sit at the enormous table on the back porch.

"There you are!" a voice behind us sounds. We turn around and of course it's Phoenix, crooked smile on his lips. 

"What's up P.?" I started calling him that the day we first met. Sometime between then and now he has given up on protesting.

"Not much ..." The smile on his face grows even wider and looks at me in ... anticipation? It takes me a while, but when he pulls up an eyebrow and continues to move his eyes into Delphine's direction, I finally get it.

"Oh jeez, sorry man!" I laugh. "P., this is Delphine Cormier. Delphine, this is Phoenix or P. as I like to call him." I gesture between them and he holds out his hand which Delphine takes immediately.

"Hi Delphine, nice to meet you!"

"Bonjour Phoenix, nice to meet you as well!"

I watch them introduce themselves to each other and suddenly get all warm and fuzzy inside. Phoenix has become one of my dearest friends in this past year. To me he is the brother I never had and them getting along so well right off the bat makes me really happy. Sure enough a stupid smile forms on my face.

" ... took French in High School, you'll have to help me refresh my memory!" he goes with a hearty laugh.

"Oui, formidable! I'd love that!" Delphine nods enthusiastically and I melt a little inside.

"How about we continue this conversation over food?" I suggest. "Someone's stomach has been growling at me for a while now," I go and shoot her a look from the side that makes her blush again. "So what's for dinner, P.?"

"Chili!" he responds with a thumbs up.

"No waaay, dude!" I give him a high five and turn to Delphine. "His chili is the bomb, you're gonna love it!"

We each get ourselves a bowl and join the others at the table outside, sitting down next to two of the recruits I haven't spoken to, yet. The blonde one next to Delphine is first to introduce herself.

"Hi, I am Aynsley!" She has a big smile plastered on her face, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. Something about her makes me uneasy, but I don't even know her yet, so I try to just brush that feeling aside. Next up is the woman sitting next to me. She is wearing pink lululemons and her hair is tied back in a ponytail. 'Soccer mom' is the first thought going through my mind.

"I'm Alison, nice to meet you!" she goes and her smile is a genuine one.

We talk to Aynsley and Alison for a couple of minutes until two guys with beers sit down on the other side of them. Suddenly they are a lot more concerned with their new company and the three of us are left alone in our conversation again.

"This," Delphine goes and points to her half-eaten bowl of chili, "is amazing!"

Phoenix chuckles quietly. "Thank you, I'm glad you like it! It's just chili though, making a good chili is not really complicated ..."

"Don't listen to him!" I warn her and she crooks her head, waiting for me to elaborate. "Come on P., I have eaten plenty of bad chilis. You're just a total badass in the kitchen!" I go and point my spoon at him.

"If you say so, I won't argue." He winks at me and puts his hands up defensively.

A couple of minutes later we are done eating and P. offers to get us a round of beers.

"You know I'm always up for a beer, but ..." I stick my index finger up for emphasis, "I was actually planning to show Delphine the farm while the sun is still up." The gorgeous lady across from me shoots me a surprised look, but I can see the corner of her mouth twitching as she unsuccessfully tries to suppress a smile. I grin at her with my tongue between my teeth.

P. clears his throat and goes "Well, you better get going then. The sun will be down in an hour or so."

I start grabbing Delphine's and my bowl to bring them inside, but he takes them from me.

"I got this, Cos. Go!"

I ruffle his hair, he always takes his hat off while eating, and give him a hug.

"You're the best!" I whisper in his ear.

He chuckles quietly and I can feel the vibrations in his chest. "I know Cos, I know!" Another wink in my direction before he goes in to hug Delphine. For a second she looks surprised, but quickly understands and hugs him back.

"Delphine."

"Phoenix."

He laughs when he hears her say his name with her cute accent. "Welcome to the family. It's good to have you here," he echoes Mrs. S. words from earlier.

"Merci. It's good to be here," she replies quietly.

He turns around and heads inside and I take the opportunity to step around the table and get closer to Delphine. She stands up and looks at me expectantly.

"Soooo ...?"

"Soooo, are you ready for a little walk?"

"Bien sûr, Cosima." She does it again, saying my name. This time it's clearly on purpose as she watches me, curious about my reaction. She notices the blush creeping across my face and can't keep in the giggle that escapes her.

I shake my head at her with a smile and can't help but wonder what I have gotten myself into.

I offer her my hand again, but quickly pull away when she tries to take it. She looks at me with fake outrage, her mouth wide open.

"You're gonna have to earn that one, Dr. Cormier!" I turn around with my tongue between my teeth and make my way down the steps of the porch.

"Brat!" I hear behind me and then there are footsteps quickly following me.

By the time I reach the grass, she is right next to me, smiling for cheek to cheek

Side by side we start strolling towards the sheep pasture, arms loosely dangling down.

"This," I point at the wooden shack to our right, "is our chicken coop." We round the building and can now see the large area that is fenced off for the chickens. Most of them are actually outside at the moment, picking at salad leaves someone must have tossed in there not too long ago.

"Chickens ..." a shy smile crosses Delphine's face and I can't help but wonder what she is thinking about.

"Yep, chickens! 56 of them to be exact. Do you have a history with chickens?" I lift one eyebrow and shoot her a curious look.

"Oui. Non. I mean ..." she trails off, obviously not able to decide what to say. "It's complicated!" she finally blurts out.

I can't help but let out a laughing snort. _Smooth move Cos, really smooth move._

"Your history with chickens is complicated?" I don't even try to hide my grin anymore.

She looks at me with her golden eyes and her face is now illuminated by the late-afternoon rays of sunlight, giving it an other-worldly glow. The light touching her almost horizontally now creates deep shadows along the contours of her face and once again I am mesmerized. My gaze wanders and finally lands on the beauty mark just beneath her bottom lip. Her face looks like an expert sculptor had worked on it for twenty years and the final touch to his creation was that beauty mark, positioned with the utmost precision. Upon completion, he would undoubtedly have called her his master piece.

When my eyes meet hers again, she looks at me intently and decides to finally elaborate on her chicken history.

"Alors, when I was little, maybe four or five years old, my parents got me a surprise one day."

"I love surprises!" I interrupt her excitedly as we continue our way across the gravel path onto the pasture.

"Oui, I love surprises, too. But that surprise turned out to be a visit to a magician's show. Close to the end of his performance, he asked for a child volunteer to help with his next trick."

"And you volunteered?" I ask with my eyes wide. I wouldn't have reckoned little Delphine to be the adventurous type.

"Non, of course not!" she laughs. "My papa, he volunteered me." A smile forms on her face, now clearly taken back to that scene twenty plus years ago.

"So I went onto the stage and the magician made me stand on one side of a long table and put some bird feed in my hand."

"Oh no, I can see where that is going!"

"Then," she continues, "he went to the other end of the table and took of his top hat. He put a plastic chicken on the table and placed his hat over it. So next, he said a spell," she goes, forming quotation marks in the air, "and touched the hat with his wand. So when he lifted the hat again, the rubber chicken had turned into a real chicken. And the real chicken immediately darted towards me, clearly expecting me to throw the bird feed on the table."

"But you didn't ..."

"Non, of course I didn't! All I saw was that bird of hell running towards me at top speed, getting closer and closer. I of course was absolutely horrified, so I just dropped the bird feed on the ground and ran off the stage as fast as I could, burying my face in maman's shoulder and crying my eyes out. So you could say I have a little chicken ..."

"Trauma?" I complete her sentence.

"Oui, a chicken trauma." There they are again, those wonderful dimples. "You must think I'm crazy, still being afraid of chickens just because of something like that." She looks down at her feet almost as if she's ashamed, but I quickly touch her arm.

"No way! I don't think you're crazy! I totally get that! As a matter of fact, I have a similar story as well. Not quite as spectacular as yours, but still leaving me traumatized until this day."

"Would you tell me?" A vulnerable look on her face, her eyes meet mine again.

Would I tell her? Of course I would. I would tell her anything she'd ask me to. Hell, I'd _do_ anything she'd ask me to as well.

"Well, it's kinda ridiculous, so promise you won't laugh!"

"Je promets, Cosima." My heart flutters and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

"Okay, so one day in the summer when I was like six or so, I laid down in the grass in my parent's garden. Next thing I know I fall asleep and I must have been asleep for quite a while, cause when I wake up, the sun is almost down. So I wake up and I have this weird sensation on my face right next to my nose." I point to the area, which I am talking about and Delphine's eyes are glued to mine. "So I think to myself 'Well, this is weird!' and touch my face to find out what it is. But when I do, I find something cold and squishy and immediately freak out. Turns out a slug had crawled onto my face when I was sleeping and just decided to chill right there!", I explain with wide eyes, still pointing to the area under my left eye. "Cue me picking that thing off my face and freaking out, screaming like a mad person. The speed with which both of my parents came running, they must have thought I was being attacked by an axe murderer. So needless to say, to this day I am terrified of slugs."

"You are terrified of slugs?" Now it’s Delphine’s turn to snort, she is trying her hardest to keep her promise not to laugh.

"Hey, you promised!" I go, but the smile on my face clearly reveals that I am not serious, so she doesn't even try to hold it in anymore and I join her in laughter.

"And you are afraid of chickens!"

"Oui, I am."

Our gazes connect again. "Well, I guess we'd make a pretty good team then." She nods, not taking her eyes off me.

"Oui, I think so too."

By now it is getting darker and darker by the minute and we reach our destination just in time. We climb a little hill and when we reach the top, we can finally see what's on the other side.

"Wow!" the gorgeous blonde next to me goes and looks at me with wide eyes.

"Pretty cool, right?" She nods and returns her gaze to what's in front of us.

From the top of the hill we can oversee a lake roughly the size of a baseball field. I take her hand and pull her with me onto the small wooden pier.

"Mylady ..." I go and gesture for her to sit, being awarded with a smile in the process. I join her immediately and both of us remove our shoes to let our feet dangle into the water.

By now the sun is touching down on the horizon, its last rays turning the surface of the lake into an orange fire. I turn my head to look at Delphine. Her eyes are fixed forward, her face framed by her luscious curls now taking on the same color as the lake.

"Cosima, this is just beautiful."

My hand rests between us on the wood and I can feel her moving her hand on top of mine. My heart jumps and I cannot believe how lucky I am in this moment

She turns to look at me and she is totally raw. Only now do I realize that the whole day she had held something back. There was always something about her that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Like she'd invite me inside, but pull up her guard again before I got too close. Whatever it was, now it's gone.

I look at her and she looks at me. And in this moment, her face illuminated by the last of the sun's rays, her hand holding mine, it feels like our souls touch.


	7. Swallowed in the Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, double update again!  
> This chapter was inspired by the Coldplay song "Swallowed in the Sea." I suggest you give it a listen before reading on!  
> Once again, big shout out to my beta ebroisbae!

The last rays of sunlight hit her and all I can see in her eyes is tenderness. No cheeky remark, no teasing _'Dr. Cormier'_ , she just looks at me as if she'd finally found something she'd been looking for all along. The sun is illuminating the baby hairs around her face and I feel like I have to physically restrain myself to keep from smoothing them out, so instead I squeeze her hand that's beneath mine and smile, looking directly into her gorgeous eyes. She really is beautiful. I haven't been blind to other women's beauty of course. On the contrary, I have been very aware, comparing myself to them and most of the time deciding that I was no match. But Cosima is different, her beauty is haunting. Even now that I turn back to the lake and close my eyes, soaking up the last rays before the sun finally sets and the dark envelopes us, all I can see before my mind's eye is her perfect little nose. The way she sticks her tongue between her teeth when she's proud about having come up with one of her cheeky remarks just moments before. How the pink creeps into her cheeks when I catch her staring at me.

I can feel the heat radiating from her hand and it spreads right through me. Something in the back of my mind drops, but I am blissfully unaware.

When I open my eyes again, I expect total darkness and for a second I wonder whether we are going to find the way back to the farm house. But instead I find everything illuminated by the full moon hanging just above the horizon, so much bigger than back in Baltimore.

"Can you hear that?" A barely audible whisper from Cosima. I can hear it, how suddenly the fauna around us has come to life. The chirping, the quaking, the sounds of the night are upon us. Absently minded I stroke my thumb over her knuckles and am awarded with the hair of her arm standing up.

"Maybe we should get back now?"

"Oui," I nod.

Our hands separate and we get up and start making our way back to the house. No one is talking, our arms are just dangling by our sides. I look at the gorgeous brunette beside me and she seems to be deep in thought, an atmosphere of melancholy around her. The now cooler night air hits my palm and it suddenly bothers me how empty it is. So I take her hand, intertwining our fingers, squeezing it gently.

She looks at me, surprise on her face.

"Dr. Cormier," she whispers, but this time it's not meant as a cheeky remark. This time it sounds more like a plea.

My heart drops at the sound of her voice, so I pull her to a stop.

"Cosima, what's wrong?" I close the distance between us so there is only a foot left.

"Nothing." It doesn't look like nothing as I can see her eyes start to water. She's trying to hide it, looking up to the sky to keep the tears from falling. But when she blinks, a single one does make its way down her cheek. I drop her hand to instead take her face in both of my hands, wiping the tear away and continuing to stroke her cheek. Now she faces me and pain rips through my heart at the look on her face.

"What's wrong? You can tell me," I whisper, but she just shakes her head at me. She sniffles and another tear rolls down her cheek.

I can't stand seeing her like that. Cosima, who is always in control of the situation, tongue in cheek and wink in her eye. It's like her pain spreads right through me and I can feel my heart aching. I know that I need to do something to help her, something to comfort her.

"Cosima." She looks me dead in the eye. My heart stops and my mind goes blank. Next thing I know, I close the remaining distance between us and plant a soft kiss on her lips. Our bodies flush, I can feel her frame stiffen. I change my grip on her face, now cradling her, pulling it closer to mine. This kiss is not hasty, it is not seduction. It is gentle and sweet. A promise.

"Chérie," I whisper. I go in for a second kiss, paying close attention to the woman in front of me. When my lips meet hers, she finally snaps out of her paralysis, kissing me back. Her mouth is incredibly soft, softer than any other one I have kissed before. Her lips tease, they explore, but she is careful not to overstep the line we seem to have established unconsciously. Now one of her hands goes up to my jaw, the other one is entangled in my hair.

"Chérie," I go again and part our lips only to kiss away the tears now freely flowing down her cheeks. But sure enough, her hand guides my mouth back to hers for another chaste kiss. I release my grip on her face and instead wrap her tiny frame in a warm embrace, one hand on the back of her head and one hand resting on her back. Our lips are still locked and feeling her mouth move against mine with such reverence is enthralling. Were it not for the circumstances, I would be ecstatic.

We stand there for a couple of minutes, lost in our little cosmos, when Cosima pulls back to cradle her head in my neck, dropping her hands from my head to my lower back, reciprocating my embrace. I can feel her heartbeat on my chest and weirdly enough it's in tune with mine, slow and steady.

"Delphine, I'm sorry." I hear her whisper in my ear. "You must think I'm a total nut ... it's just ... I ..."

"Non Cosima, don't. You don't have to tell me." A single kiss beneath her ear and I rest my head on hers.

"Thank you."

After a couple of minutes, I realize that the air is growing colder rapidly and a shiver runs down my spine. I remember that Cosima is in flip flops, her toes must be freezing by now.

"I think we should go back. You're gonna get sick and as a doctor I cannot allow that to happen."

She looks up at me, a smile slowly spreading on her face.

"But you're not a doctor yet," she goes with a sniffle.

"Formalities," I reply and am awarded with a shy smile.

"Well if you say so, Dr. Cormier ..." I've never been so happy to hear her call me by that name.

She takes a step back and brings her hand to her face.

"How do I look? Good thing that eyeliner is waterproof." She wipes the last remnants of wetness from her cheeks.

_Beautiful_ is what I want to say. Even now, with her red eyes and nose running, I wouldn't want to look at anyone else. But I go with something else instead. "You look good. Don't worry, they won't notice."

"Okay." A slight nod. She offers me her hand and asks "Ready?"

"Oui." I take it and hand in hand we start back towards the house. Deep in thought, I am surprised when she starts speaking only moments later.

"What's you favorite food?"

"Quoi?" I go, taken aback by the inquiry so unexpected in this moment.

"Your favorite food," she repeats, but instantly puts her hand that's not entangled with mine up in the air. "Wait, let me rephrase it." After a couple of seconds she continues. "What's your favorite food that's so mundane that you would never mention it when asked about your favorite food?"

A confused smile splits my face. "I'm not quite sure I understand ..."

"Well when you're asked about your favorite food, you probably answer with something like coq au vin or boeuf bourguignon ..."

I can't keep from giggling at the short American butchering even those small pieces of French.

"... but when you feel really shitty and all you want is to get some food and wrap up in a blanket, that's not what you crave. Most of the time is something much simpler."

"Oh, now I understand. Yes, there is something that comes to mind ..."

"Sooo ...?" She looks at me expectantly.

I take a couple of moments to respond. "A perfectly fried egg." Even thinking about it, my mouth starts watering.

"A perfectly fried egg?" she asks incredulously and can't keep from chuckling. "How does a perfectly fried egg look like exactly?"

"Well," I start, "it's fried in butter. The egg white is totally set and the edges are crispy." When was the last time I actually had one? "The yolk is warm, but still runny. Luscious, golden, it has the consistency of maple syrup." A sigh escapes my mouth. "Salt, pepper, throw in a slice of freshly baked bread and I'm in heaven."

I can see that her eyes are locked on my mouth.

"That sounds amazing. I don't think I've ever had an egg like that." Her gaze goes back to my eyes and a blush creep across her cheeks.

"It is amazing. You should try it." I lick my lips in anticipation. In anticipation of what I'm not exactly sure. "What's your favorite food that's so mundane that you would never mention it when asked about your favorite food?" I echo her question.

"Mac and cheese," she goes without the blink of an eye.

"Like the stuff that comes out of a box?"

"Oh God, no! That's totally gross!" she exclaims loudly. "I make my own. Boil pasta, throw together a quick béchamel, add cheese. It's a breeze, really."

"A quick béchamel? That's pretty impressive, Cosima."

Another blush. "It's no big deal, really."

"Sure it is, I have seen plenty of chefs in France mess up a 'quick béchamel' as you call it." I smile at her warmly and start stroking her hand with my thumb again. "I've never actually had Mac and cheese." My confession totally throws her off guard.

"What?! Now way dude, you've never had mac and cheese?"

"Non," I go quietly and shake my head.

"Well in that case I'll have to make it for you. It's kind of a bummer though that you are going to start your mac and cheese experience with the best one in the world. You won't be able to enjoy another one ever again." She sticks her tongue between her teeth and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy at the sight of cocky Cosima.

"So I take it you enjoy cooking?" The petite brunette nods enthusiastically.

"Totes! I used to cook all the time when I still lived in San Fran. Now it's not that often anymore, but P. and I try to rock out at least once a week. What about you?"

"I used to love cooking. I'd spend hours on end in the kitchen preparing elaborate meals. Coq au vin used to be my specialty." I think back to those days in my Paris kitchen and can feel a tug at my heart.

"What happened?"

I think about it for a second and am not really able to come up with an answer. What did happen?

"Je ne sais pas. I just got busy I guess."

Cosima nods quietly as if she understands. _Does she?_

We get closer to the house and only now do I notice the herd of sheep on the far side of the pasture. There are many and in the moonlight it looks like they all blend together forming an ocean of grey.

We reach the porch and make our way up the stairs. No one is outside anymore, but there is light in the kitchen and people are moving inside. Cosima drops my hand to open the door for me.

"After you, mademoiselle," she goes with a wink.

Phoenix is in the kitchen doing dishes. Two other recruits, Donnie and Paul, are drying them off and putting them away. As we enter Phoenix shoots me a smile, but when he sees Cosima, his features change. He gives her a long look, brow furrowed, but seemingly decides not to question and returns his attention to the dishes. We enter the living room where everybody else seems to be. The fireplace is providing the room with a pleasant warmth and soft music is emanating from an old record player. I look at the clock above the fireplace and although it's only 10, exhaustion is quickly taking me over.

I turn to Cosima to see her staring at Mrs. S., her expression unreadable.

"Cosima." Her eyes dart back to me, her mouth turning into a smile again. "I'm really tired, I think I need to go to bed."

"Obvs! You must be totally exhausted. The flight, the assembly, ..." She trails off, leaving her sentence unfinished. Still we both know what she's talking about. "Come on I'll take you upstairs."

We arrive at my room and I'm suddenly unsure about how to act and what to say. It feels like that day more than 10 years ago when my first date brought me home and we were standing in front of my parents door, completely clueless about how to end the evening. Luckily I don't have to come up with anything as Cosima starts talking first.

"Well, thank you for the lovely day, Dr. Cormier." There it is again, tongue between her teeth. "I guess I'll see you in the morning. Meet me in the kitchen at 8?"

"Oui," I nod with a smile. She starts turning away to make her way back down the stairs. But I catch her arm and go "Cosima." She faces me again with a raised eyebrow.

"Thank you for the lovely day," I go and continue to kiss both of her cheeks, smiling at her as I pull away. She looks pretty flabbergasted, but when she turns again and starts walking towards the stairs I can't help but notice the grin on her face and the sway in her walk.


	8. Dreams and Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday where I live, so it's time for an update! Shout out to my amazing beta ebroisbae.  
> Also, thank you for your kind words and comments, I appreciate every single one.

I startle awake. My heart racing I look at the ceiling, confused about where I am. After a couple of breaths, the realization hits. The farm. I sit up and cool air hits me. I am completely drenched in sweat. Scenes flash before my eyes. Professor Leekie standing in front of me, holding my dissertation. Ripping it apart. _'How could you do this? How could you throw all of this away?'_

Professor Bowles sitting at her desk, legs crossed. Looking at me with a frown on her face, disapproval in her eyes. _'We had such high hopes for you. How could you disappoint us like that?'_

My breaths are ragged and unsteady. It was a dream. Only a dream. I try to calm myself down, but to no avail. My alarm clock tells me that it's only 1 am. Still, I know that trying to fall back asleep now would be a fruitless endeavor, so I swing my bare legs out of bed. My tank top is completely drenched, so I quickly take it off to put a new one on, adding a wide knit sweater on top. 

Suddenly I feel very trapped in between these walls and I quickly leave my room to go down the stairs, careful not to make any noise. My head is empty, my mind is blank. I don't really know why, but when my consciousness snaps back, I find myself sitting down on a swing on the front porch, one I didn't even realize was there before. I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them, resting my chin on my knees.

I sit like that for a while, letting my gaze sweep across the landscape illuminated by the bright moonlight, enveloped by silence. Until the silence is broken by a voice barely audible, but growing louder with each passing second.

_"... It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to try and keep from calling you. Well, can my dreams keep coming true? ..."_

I look for the source of the voice and sure enough I find Phoenix wandering along the gravel path, making his way towards the porch. Hand in the pockets of his shorts, he's singing to himself quietly.

_"... And I'm caught ... I forget all that I've been taught. I can't keep calm, I can't keep still, pulled apart against my will ..."_

As he sets foot on the porch he notices me and immediately grows silent. On second glance, he looks like he just stumbled out of bed as well. His hair is a mess and his eyes are small from tiredness, the t-shirt covering his broad chest is wrinkly. The grey shirt has a red equation sign on it. _'Love is love'_ it says just beneath.

"Hey," he says in a small voice. Gone seems to be the confidence that radiated from him only a handful of hours before.

"Hey," I echo him softly without lifting my head from my knees.

He steps closer and stops in front of the swing.

"May I?" he asks, pointing to the vacant seat next to me. I nod and he sits down, pulling up his legs as well, mimicking my position.

We sit in silence for a while, looking at the moon, waiting for answers to questions that were never asked.

A hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" His voice is somehow far away, a distant echo in the dark. "Hey ..." He pulls me into an awkward embrace, my head resting in the crook of his neck. "Hey, hey, shhh." He changes positions, so he can now wrap his arms around me fully. "Hey, it's alright ..." Only faintly do I register his hand stroking the back of my head. He starts humming and I can feel the vibrations in his chest. I'm not sure how long we stay in this position. I'm not sure of anything anymore. But when I pull back I can see tear stains on his shirt where my face had just rested. Confused, I touch my cheek. My fingers come back wet. I realize that even now the silent tears are still falling.

I look up at him and all I see in his green eyes is concern.

"Are you okay?" He repeats his question, only this time it actually reaches me.

"Non."

I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe it's the exhaustion of the last couple of months taking its toll. Maybe it's the memory of Krystal crying beside my hospital bed. Maybe it's Cosima and they way my head finally stops spinning when I look at her. But in this moment, looking up at a complete stranger, I crack. I collapse and the only thing holding me up is strong arms wrapped around my torso. My vision blurs and I sob, holding on to Phoenix for dear life. The tears are not silent anymore, they carry all the desperation, all the devastation I kept all this time.

I sob and I sob and it feels like my heart is being shattered into a thousand pieces.

Saying nothing he just continues stroking my head, humming his quiet tune, rocking me back and forth. It seems like all the tears that went unshed those last years demand release at the same time and I don't have anything left to fight back. My eyes burn and my vision blurs. My throat is constricted and the pressure in my chest makes me wince, the sobs shake my whole body.

I vaguely register that Phoenix starts humming a second song and a third one before my cries finally go quieter and a fourth one before they subside.

I pull back to look at him again apologetically. "Très desolée, I'm such a mess," I whisper and wipe the tears from my cheeks.

"There's nothing to apologize for." He takes my hand into his and squeezes it gently.

"Mon dieu ..." All this crying has left me exhausted, both physically and mentally. But now that the gates are open, I want to finally share the burden. He looks at me. Not questioning, not judgmental. He just looks at me and I make decision.

"It's a long story."

"You don't have to tell me, Delphine." Another squeeze of my hand.

"But I want to. Do you have time?"

A sad smile spreads across his face. "It's not like I have anyplace else to be."

I nod gratefully and return to my previous position, hugging my legs and resting my chin on my knees. He does the same thing, but this time he's closer and our arms touch. This small act, the most mundane human connection, seems very comforting to me in this moment and I am so grateful that he's here with me. That I don't have to be alone.

"Where do you start the story of your life?" I ask quietly.

"At the beginning."

Had anyone else given me this response, I probably would have gotten up and left. But because it's him and there is no hint of ridicule in his voice, I don't. I just listen to his advice.

"I've always wanted to be a scientist." Yes, this seems to be a good place to start.

"Looks like that worked out." His soft chuckle is awarded with a bump into his side and I can't help but snort myself. "Sorry, go on." He turns his head to me and offers me a warm smile.

"It was all papa's fault. He was the one who got me into science. Since I can remember, our dinner conversations were never trivial, never about neighborhood gossip and celebrity rumors. We would talk about covalent bonds and black holes. About sustainability and human rights."

"He seems like a great guy."

"Oui, he is." I miss him. I miss him so much and all this time we spent apart, not even talking or texting, it's all my fault. I just let life get in the way. Sure enough, I can feel another lonely tear roll down my cheek. "My parents, they always told me that I could be whatever I want. They always believed in me, they still do. But back then, there were no female presidents, no women on the Supreme Court, no female managers. One day I asked them why and that was the day they explained to me _le plafond de verre_."

"The glass ceiling."

"Oui. I remember like it was yesterday. Back then I didn't understand. I didn't know how the world worked. Picking a man over a woman simply because he was a man? That concept was completely alien to me. Still, that day I made a promise. I would not let that glass ceiling keep me from achieving my goals. I would not let it shatter my dreams. So I made a plan."

I close my eyes and think back to that day more than twenty years ago.

"It rained that day, you know. I sat on my parents window sill, overlooking the road beneath. Watching those busy people waiting for the tram, running after taxis. I knew that I would never want to become one of them. Faceless, hopeless, just a sheep in the herd, a drone. I wanted to do something special, to be someone."

"Delphine, everyone is someone." His objection is barely a whisper.

"Do you think so? Je ne suis pas sûre." I mull over his words, wrap my mind around them, turn them and look at them from every angle. I'm still not so sure. "Alors, I decided to always be the best at everything I'd do. To work harder and longer than everyone else."

"And that's what you did."

I nod. "Oui, that's what I did. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college. There were moments of doubt, of course. Back then I would never have admitted that to anyone ..." A dry laugh leaves my mouth. "Those Friday nights alone in the library. Saturdays spent in the lab. Spring break in a conference center in the middle of nowhere. But when I got accepted into grad school, John's Hopkins nonetheless, I was ecstatic. I felt like all this work, this constant delay of gratification, had finally paid off. And in a way it did."

"John's Hopkins is really impressive," a weak smile on his face.

"It is, isn't it? I guess I just wasn't prepared for what followed. Don't get me wrong, I of all people knew that grad school would be hard work, that it would take all I had to succeed. And the first couple of years it worked out. My week would be crazy, easily spending 60 hours at university. But there were always get togethers with other grad students, short trips to France over the holidays. But by the third year, I didn't have time for that anymore. I had exams to take, classes to teach, lab hours to do, articles to write, presentations to give. The other grad students would just let themselves fail classes, rejecting to write papers or attend conferences. I couldn't do that of course, I could not break the promise I gave my five-year old self. So there just ended up being a lot of delay ... and no gratification."

"So you coped."

I nod slightly, almost feeling caught. "Oui, I coped. With booze, with pills, for a while even with sex. Until I became too tired and too exhausted for that as well." I take a moment to look at my hands. My slender fingers, the tendons sticking out of the back of my hands. "With so many things out of my control, I took control of everything else I could," I add quietly.

We sit in silence for a while and I let my last statement sink in. Funny enough, before saying it out loud, I had never even thought about my ... habits ... like that before.

"Does it make you happy?" Phoenix goes after a couple of minutes.

"Quoi?"

"Science. Does it make you happy?"

Such an easy question, isn't it? Yet there is no easy response.

"It used to make me happy."

"That's not an answer." He looks at me softly.

He's right, it's not. All I can do is shrug.

He starts humming again, turning his head back forwards and closing his eyes. When the song is over, he opens them again, still staring forward, gaze fixed on the moon.

"So you and Cosima, huh?"

My heart starts beating faster at the mention of her name and the butterflies in my stomach are back full force. My face suddenly becomes very warm. I look at him and he just smiles and lifts an eyebrow.

"I'll take that as a yes."

My first instinct is to protest, to negate all his assumptions. But what I feel is real and in this moment I can't bring myself to deny something so obviously true.

"I ... I like her." My heart flutters when I think of her face, the way her eyes sparkle when they meet mine.

"Well, I guess it's safe to say that she likes you too." He looks at me with a smile on his lips, but his eyes seem oddly vacant, like he was not really here but instead focused on something very different, something in the back of his head.

"I didn't plan for this." Suddenly I feel like I have to justify myself. "I just came here to get my life sorted out, to get a fresh start. That's what I had to do, what I still need to do."

"Don't worry. This is a judgment-free zone. It's not like we choose who we fall in love with." His features change and for a second I can see pain in his eyes. But soon that moment is over and his gaze meets mine, now more present than ever. 

"What if the promise you made to five-year old you was the wrong one?"

Taken aback by his question I just shake my head in confusion and look at him.

"What if the promise you actually should have made to her was that you'd make sure she would be happy?"

I register his question, but once again don't have an answer. A glance at him tells me that he's not expecting an answer either. So we just sit in silence, looking at the moon.

Happiness. I think of Cosima's and mine first meeting just earlier today. The look on her face when she saw me. How my heart began fluttering excitedly when I saw her. I try to remember the last time I felt something remotely similar back in Baltimore and no matter how hard I try, I come up with nothing. I remember Cosima in the kitchen, calling me 'Dr. Cormier' for the first time. Cosima in the library, throwing her hands in the air jubilantly when Siobhan allowed us to spend the next day together. Cosima by the lake and the way she got goose bumps when I put my hand on hers.

Phoenix slowly gets up and stretches. With a last look at me he heads to the door to get back inside.

Cosima on the pasture, hysterical in my arms and crying her eyes out.

"Phoenix?" With a hand already on the doorknob, he turns around. "Cosima ... is she okay?"

He contemplates for a couple of seconds. "That really depends on your definition of 'okay'."

I rest my head on my knees again, not turning my gaze away. I can see the conflict in his eyes, the uncertainty of how much he can reveal without betraying Cosima's trust.

"It's not my story to tell," he finally settles.

I accept his decision with a nod, I smile it him warmly.

"Merci," I go and I am grateful indeed. "Merci for listening."

"De rien," he says and winks at me, a smile forming on his face. Then he's gone and I am left alone on the porch. I stay, thinking about the question he had asked. _"What if the promise you actually should have made to her was that you'd make sure she would be happy?"_

I don't know how long I sit there with my arms wrapped around my legs, but when I become aware of myself again I realize that I am freezing and that I'm barely able to feel my toes anymore. So I get up and make my way back to my room.

As I lie back down in my bed, I realize how tired I am again. My eyes are burning and my limbs are heavy. Still, when I close my eyes, sleep just doesn't come to me. I close them and see Cosima by the chicken coop. Professor Leekie ripping apart my dissertation. Cosima over dinner, happily shoving spoonful after spoonful of chili into her mouth. Professor Bowles with a frown on her face. _'How could you disappoint us like that?'_ Cosima in front of my door, the look on her face after I kissed her goodnight.

I don't know for how long I toss and turn, but it feels like a very long time. _Merde._ When I decide to check my alarm clock, it says that it's 3:30 am. I really want to sleep, I need to sleep or I will be devastatingly tired tomorrow morning. But I know all too well that that's not the way it works. So I go to the bathroom and put my sweater back on to once again leaving my room.

I don't even know where I'm heading, all I can think of is Cosima. Cosima, Cosima, Cosima. Her name alone dispels all other thoughts from my mind.

I quietly open the door, slip in, and close it again. I had expected to find her in deep slumber, but instead I can see her eyes fixating on me in the bright moonlight.

"Delphine," she whispers barely audible, propped up on her elbow, facing me.

I just lean my back against the door and look at her, unable really to do anything else. Now she pulls back her blanket and pats the mattress next to her. "C'mere."

I take off my thick sweater and drop it onto the floor to lay down beside her. She pulls the comforter back up, tucking us in. For a while we just lay there, face to face, looking into each other's eyes. Then she takes my hand into hers, putting our hands down in between us, gently stroking my knuckles. But this won't do. It's almost as if being so close to her _but not close_ _enough_ is even worse than just being somewhere else all together. It's almost as if my heart can feel the pull and the closer we get the stronger it becomes, leaving that poor little muscle with an ache almost unbearable.

So I disjoin our hand and scoot closer to her and down the bed a little until my head is resting against her chest just beneath her chin. Cosima reacts instantly, wrapping me up in a gentle embrace and I accept the invitation to wrap my arms around her torso as well. It takes a couple of minutes for us to figure out what to do with our limbs. But finally we find a position that works, one of my legs resting between hers, one of her legs wrapped around me. My arm on her lower back, her hand on the back of my head, entangled with my curls. In that moment I finally feel my heart stop aching, my head stop spinning. All I feel is bliss. And full of bliss, both of us finally fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Phoenix sings is "Caught" by Florence + The Machine. It's awesome, check it out!


	9. No Light, No Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just woke up with a pang in my heart missing Cophine and my resolution to only post a chapter a week crumbled away faster than I could say "She's alive af!" So yeah, early update. I hope you enjoy!  
> The title of this chapter is taken from the Florence + The Machine song of the same name. It's the soundtrack of Cosima's story and if you don't know it you need to listen to this awesome piece of music asap! As always, huge shout out to my awesome beta ebroisbae!

Interlude – Cosima's Story

 

_1 year ago._

"What's up, Scotty?" As I enter the lab, I find him in front of a microscope, only looking up after I call attention to myself.

"Oh, hey Cosima!" A crooked smile splits his face.

Scott has been my wingman for the last four years and what he lacks in looks he makes up in brains more than tenfold. Right now we are working on our fifth year project, along with another person.

"Where's lab rat number three?" I ask him innocently. Scotty just presents me with a knowing smirk and moves his head into the direction of the storage room.

I make my way into the adjacent room, only to find myself being pressed against the wall as soon as I step through the door. Hungry lips find mine and I can feel a soft tongue enter my mouth instantly. I can't hold back a groan as the tongue scrapes across the inside of my teeth, ever exploring, reaching deeper as I thought possible. I can feel my arms being lifted above my head, now tightly secured against the wall by a single hand, while a second hand drops down to my breast and starts kneading it in an all too welcome way. Another groan is muffled by the intruding tongue, but just as I press my head forward to demand _more_ , the lips I so desire are pulled away, leaving me breathless and frustrated.

"Babe," is all I manage to whimper as I look longingly into those light blue eyes I have come to love and lust after so deeply. There is an ache at the apex of my thighs and it grows stronger by the second.

As she leans in again I lick my lips and close my eyes in anticipation. But instead of kissing me, she lets her mouth linger above mine, brushing my lips with her breath. Now her nose touches mine, but as soon as I lean forward, she pulls back again, always keeping the exact same distance between us.

"Did you ...", she goes, moving to my cheek and biting down on it softly.

"... just call me ..." Now moving closer to my ear, her whisper barely audible.

"... a lab rat?" As that final word leaves her mouth, I can suddenly feel her leg between mine, pressing up on that sweet spot that so desperately calls for attention. The only thing keeping me from moaning loudly is her hand gently pressing on my mouth. Her leg grinds against me, providing me with the much needed friction and another moan followed by a muffled "Fuck!" leaves my mouth. She moves expertly. After years of practice, she knows exactly what I need.

Now she looks into my eyes again and with a smile her features grow softer.

"I missed you too", she whispers and finally leans in for another passionate kiss. Yes, I've missed her. Although we woke up in the same bed this morning and started the day with breakfast and a _hot_ shower, having to spend the first part of my day without her presence by my side and her hand in mine has left me missing her desperately.

She loosens her grip on my hands and I instantly wrap her in a tight embrace, pulling her closer to me. She does the same thing, resting one hand on the back of my head and one on my lower back. Our bodies completely flush we stand there, lost in the moment. Lost in each other. Our tongues dance a dance they have danced a hundred times before. Still every time feels like the first time. She bites down on my bottom lip and my breath stops, she caresses the corner or my mouth and my heart flutters. We must have stayed like that for quite a while, because the next thing I register is Scott loudly clearing his throat in the adjacent room.

"Um, ladies ...," he starts, clearly embarrassed, "I don't mean to, like, ummm ... you know, get in the way of anything, but class starts in five minutes."

Another deep kiss and she pulls back, flashing me her widest smile.

"Don't go," but my whisper is only met with a shake of her head.

"I've got a class to TA. Sorry babe."

I sigh disapprovingly, but still release my grip on her back. With a last soft peck on my lips she steps back, parting us. Now the only connection left between us is my hand lightly holding hers, our intertwined fingers dangling in the air.

"I love you," she whispers and I can feel a shiver run down my spine.

"I love you, too," I reply breathlessly. Another smile and she's gone. Leaning against the wall to catch my breath, I can hear her crossing the lab with fast steps.

"Bye Scott!"

"Bye Shay!"

I can hear the lab door closing and all that's left of her is the echo and her sweet taste on my lips.

After waiting a couple of moments to get my heartbeat back under control, I step out into the lab. Scott, whose whole face is burning red, does his best not to look at me.

"Dude, I would think you would've gotten used to this by now." I poke my tongue out at him and he grows even redder, something I wouldn't have believed possible. He just shrugs and does his best to change the topic as fast as he can.

"So today's the day?" He looks at me inquiringly.

For a second my heart drops and a rush of adrenaline runs through me just thinking about it.

"Yeah man, today's the day." A nervous smile splits my face. _Today's the day._ "Everything's prepared. There is this beautiful farm in SoCal, that's where I'm taking her tomorrow. She's gonna love that place!"

"Awesome! How long are you guys staying for again?"

"One week. I'm really looking forward to it. This is ... the beginning of the rest of our lives, you know?" My heart is full at the thought of waking up next to her. Weekday lunches. Late-night showers. Weekend getaways. The beginning of the rest of our lives.

"I'm really happy for you, Cosima."

* * *

 

I look at the audience and the whole lecture hall breaks into applause. I glance to my right where Shay and Scott are standing, microphones in hand just like me. They both flash me a wide smile and I give them a thumbs up. Relief washes over me, the defense of our project proposal really couldn't have gone much better. Our presentation was of course well prepared, still it's not every day that you are faced with every single professor in the department, just waiting to find a mistake in your research and rip you apart in the air. But the three of us together really are a force to be reckoned with. Preliminary examination? Check! Now on to the truly nerve-wrecking part of the afternoon.

I give Scott a sign and he discreetly wanders off the stage, leaving me alone with Shay. Once again, I bring the microphone to my mouth.

"Thank you! Thank you for all your comments and questions. It's great to see that we will be able to continue this project that we've been working on for such a long time and take it all the way. However," I put my index finger in the air, "there is actually an even more important project I'm working on right now and I think it's time to take the next step."

I turn to Shay, my lover of four years, and move closer to her to take her hand.

"Babe," I start and the same moment her eyes grow wide, the lecture hall goes quiet, "I've known you for five years now and I've been lucky enough to be able to call you mine for the last four of them. Every minute we spend together I am happy and the second you leave I can't wait to wrap you in my arms again." I look her right into the eyes and barely notice how the color drains out of her face. "You are the one who keeps me sane, you are the one who completes me. I want your eyes to be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning for the rest of my life. That's why I want to ask you ..." I kneel down in front of her and pull a small box out of my pocket. I flip it open and present it to her. "Will you marry me?"

Suddenly the flow of time stops and the only thing I can hear is my heartbeat thrumming loudly in my ears. One, two, three ... Her features are unreadable. Four, five, six ... The corner of her mouth twitches. Seven, eight, nine ... Shouldn't she have answered by now? I panic. I can feel cold sweat suddenly covering my neck and my heart beating furiously. Not in hopeful anticipation anymore, but full of fear of the answer I'm sure by now I will receive. Ten, eleven, twelve ... She closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath. She opens them again and our gazes lock for a last time before she turns around and leaves the room without a word.

The sound of the door falling shut is the sound of my heart breaking. All I can see before me now is her face. Eyes wide, mouth agape, all the color drained from her cheeks. Her face, forever to be etched in my memory.

* * *

_One day later._

I barely register the acceleration as the g forces push me into my seat. All I see is her face. The way her eyes grew wide when I started talking. _I should have known._

The bus ride is bumpy, and sure enough I can feel nausea kicking in. _Her face._ The way the corner of her mouth had twitched. _I should have known._

A big house, white wood. A front door wide open. A large living room, an open kitchen with a back door. Finally a reception desk. A big guy behind the desk, baseball hat on backwards, scruffy beard. The smile on his face instantly fades as he looks at me.

"You must be Ms. Niehaus?" he asks, his voice full of uncertainty. "We were expecting a party of two ..." his voice trails off, unsure about how to proceed.

A party of two. _Her face._ The way she looked at me before she turned around and left, taking my whole world with her. My heart aches. It aches so much that I feel like I can't breathe anymore. I am so hot. I feel trapped, my whole body starts tingling. I have to move, I have to get out of here. Her face. Her blue eyes. _'I love you.'_

Suddenly I run. Into the kitchen and out the back door. I don't even know where I'm going, but it doesn't matter. All I know is that I can't stay still anymore.

"Hey! Wait!" I can hear a deep voice behind me and although I register his words, it doesn't feel like they are directed at me. I pass a large wooden shack and run straight into a herd of sheep, who hurry away as quickly as they can. I just keep running and running, the steep hill in front of me no match for the forces that drive me. A lake, a wooden pier. I run until the earth runs out, until the wood runs out and then I jump.

With all my clothes on, I instantly sink to the bottom of the lake. The cold water envelopes me and my heart starts beating angrily at the sudden drop of temperature. But what my body clearly sees as a threat, a cause for alarm, my mind welcomes with open arms. The coolness not only wraps itself around my body, it also wraps itself around my thoughts and all of a sudden they become still. They stop racing, instead resting on the one thing I have been trying so desperately to forget. Her blue eyes. Her face as she turns to leave me.

Something inside me snaps and I scream. My lungs burning, my head bursting, I scream. I scream and slowly I feel all the air leaving my body. Still, there is nothing I can do. I scream until I can't scream anymore. I scream until I am empty.

Suddenly I feel strong arms wrapping themselves around my body, yanking me up towards the surface. As soon as my head breaks free, my lungs suck in the air with all the force they can muster. We move towards the pier and a moment later I am lifted out of the water and carefully laid down on the wooden planks. I look above and all I can see is blue, no cloud in the sky. I stare into infinity. A head appears in my field of view. Short brown hair, scruffy beard. He's leaning above me, breathing heavily, large drops of water falling from his face. His green eyes meet mine and in this moment I can't help but wish he hadn't been there to pull me back up.

* * *

_Two months later._

We sit by the lake, feet dangling in the water. Our daily after-dinner walks almost always end up here, maybe it's the gravity of our first encounter that pulls us back to this place. I take a deep drag from the blunt between my fingers and hand it to Phoenix, who accepts it without hesitation.

My vision is blurry and my nose is running. He offers me a tissue that I take gratefully. Some of the evenings I sob into his shoulder, loud cries shaking my whole body. Other days my tears are silent, but they don't carry any less heartache. Today is a day of silent tears.

He puts a strong arm around my shoulder and I lean into him, resting my head against his neck. We don't talk. No amount of talking could make it right.

* * *

_Six months later._

"Cosima." Phoenix is the first one to talk. I sit in the library, back against the wall both literally and figuratively. Across from me, on the other side of the table, is the rest of the crew. Phoenix, Mrs. S., Sarah, Felix. Even Scott, who joined us a couple of weeks after I decided not to return to Minnesota.

"No." I look at them and the worry in their faces doesn't do anything to calm me down. To the contrary, it just makes me even more angry. "What is this, a fucking intervention?!"

"Chicken, please ..." Now Mrs. S. tries her luck, but is only met with a cold stare.

"Who gave you the right? Who do you think you fucking are?!" My head feels like it's going to explode.

"Cos please, we are worried about you." Sarah sits down on the sofa beside me and tries to take my hand, but I evade it and stand up to get further away from her. My heart beats fast and my ears start ringing. I bring my hands up to my head, but it doesn't do any good.

"Cosima ..." This time it's Phoenix again, his voice calm. "Please. I know how you feel."

"Bullshit! You have no fucking idea how I feel!" I regret my words the instant they leave my mouth and sure enough I can see it in his green eyes. Pain he doesn't deserve.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." I look at him apologetically and I can feel a tear roll down my cheek. He closes his eyes for a second, clearly trying to keep his composure. After a deep breath he gets up and steps towards to me. Closing the distance between us, he's only a foot away now, moving his hands to gently cup my face.

"Cosima, please." His voice is barely a whisper. "You have to let it go."

My attempt to remove myself from his grip is only half-hearted and he has no intention of letting me get away.

"You have to let her go."

Once again the scene plays out in my mind. Her wide eyes. Her face, all color drained from it. The twitch of the corner of her mouth. The endless silence after I ask the question. The last look she gives me before she turns around to leave. The feeling of my heart being shattered into a million pieces.

A loud sob escapes me. The heartache, the feeling of abandonment is still too present, more than six months later. Phoenix wraps me up in his arms and I cry into his shoulder, every heave shaking my body. But I know I'm not the only one crying as I feel warm tears hitting the back of my neck.

"Please," his voice is breaking, "you have to try to move on."

His plea really allows no negotiation. So I nod, truly planning to honor my word.

* * *

_Twelve months later._

_"It may be that save in this little planet, this speck of cosmic dust, invisible long before the nearest star could be attained—it may be, I say, that nowhere else does this thing called pain occur ..."_

I close the book and look at the worn cover. 'The Island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells' it says in ragged letters. Pain. It has grown softer over the past year and my heart doesn't ache nearly as bad as it did those first few months. Still her face will come to me in the quiet moments of my day and the memory of the instant she turned away still makes me wince.

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I fish it out of the pocket of my favorite harem pants. Sure enough I see a new text message on the screen.

_Phoenix_ : hey, can you do me a favor?

He's still online, so I quickly type my response.

_Cosima_ : sure, what do you need me to do?

His reply arrives only a second later.

_Phoenix_ : I'm outside trying to repair that broken gate by the barn. can't find my screw driver, think I left it with Felix after putting up the new shelf. can you go check?

_Cosima_ : totes, give me a sec.

I get up and make my way out of the library, quickly walking down the hall way and into the living room. I text while I walk, clearly a master in multi-tasking.

_Cosima_ : you need the red one, right?

I round the corner into our reception area, still only paying attention to my phone.

_Phoenix_ : yep, that's ...

But before I can read his answer completely, I see a movement in the corner of my eye and realize that I'm about to collide with a person standing in front of the reception desk.

"Whoa ..." I go, finally lifting my gaze and staring straight into a pair of dark eyes with a golden center, "... sorry."

 


	10. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! A fluff fest of epic proportions because I love you guys. Thank you so much your kind words and for reading, your comments mean the world to me.  
> And as always, a huge thank you to my amazing beta ebroisbae!

I wake up in the exact same position I fell asleep in. I can feel Cosima's steady heartbeat as my head is tucked beneath her chin. Her leg draped over me and her hand on the back of my head, she still seems to be deep in slumber. Enveloped by her tiny frame I can't help but feel safe, can't help but feel ... at home. A warmth spreads in my chest and with a smile on my face I drift back into light sleep.

Sometime later consciousness closes in on me again and I stretch my limbs. Cosima stirs and suddenly I hear her taking in a sharp breath. Her whole body tenses and her hand clenches my head, her heart now beating fast and angrily against her chest.

For a second I worry. Did I make a mistake? Maybe I should not have invaded her privacy like that. Suddenly I'm very self-conscious. But before any of the scenarios can play out in my head, I can hear her let out a long breath. Her heartbeat slowly returns to normal and her hand on the back of my head grows softer again, stroking me gently. I take my hand that's resting on her hip and put it on her back, pulling her closer to me. Now that our bodies are flush, I can feel her soft breasts against my chest, causing a tingle in my stomach. I nudge her with my nose and she lets out a quiet sigh, wrapping her leg tighter around me. I start moving my hand against her back, gently stroking along her spine from her neck down to her lower back and up again and am awarded with goose bumps forming on her bare arms. I close my eyes, just enjoying being held by the woman who so swiftly conquered my heart. We stay like that for a while, half awake and half asleep, entangled with each other.

Now I can feel her lifting her leg off me and when she moves away from me and our bodies lose contact, I groan in protest. But she just scoots down the mattress so we're face to face, noses touching lightly. She brings her hand up to cup my face and gently brushes the length of my nose with her thumb. A smile spreads on her face and again I am left in awe at how naturally beautiful Cosima is. She looks different without her eyeliner on. Not quite as extroverted, not quite as confident. But looking at the swing of her eyebrows, the fullness of her lips, makes me realize that I even prefer her this way. Her rawness, the vulnerability in her gaze and that lovely smile leave me melting inside. She in turn looks into my eyes like they are the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

I tuck a stray dread behind her ear and mimic her, positioning my hand on her face to caress her bottom lip. Those eyes, her eyes that turned me inside out and upside down the first time I saw them— _was that really just yesterday?_ — are locked on mine. They look different today though, the outer brown and inner green parts are not as defined as they were before. Instead they fade into each other, creating an exquisite color gradient. She keeps stroking my nose and it's becoming harder and harder for me to keep my eyes open. A fact she realizes without a doubt as her lips once again form a cheeky smile.

"Poor baby, still tired?" My heart stops for a second at the sound of her calling me 'baby' and I can feel a blush creeping across my neck into my face.

I bite my bottom lip and whisper "Oui."

"You're such a puppy."

I can feel her move closer as she lifts her head to disconnect our noses. I look into her eyes and there it is again, that magnetic pull that seems to bind us to one another. I can't help myself and start moving towards her as well, until I can feel her breath tickle my lips. We keep closing in, we're there, almost there ...

"Oi!" A loud knock at her door and both of us jump. _Merde!_ My heart is suddenly pumping fast, startled by the noise. Cosima's sitting up, eyes wide, hand on her chest.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she pants.

"Cos! How about you get your ass out of bed, do you even know what time it is? Shite's not gonna get done by itself!"

She glances at me with an exasperated look on her face and rolls her eyes whispering "Sarah."

"Cos! Do I need to come in there and drag you out of your bed myself?"

Cosima brings her hand to her forehead and shakes her head in defeat, giving me a smile I reciprocate at once. She mouths 'sorry' at me and I reach out to stroke her arm reassuringly.

"I'll be out in a second Sarah!" she answers with a clear voice that shows none of the conflict I can see in her eyes. Her gaze wanders to my mouth, now licking her bottom lip and I realize I have mine sucked between my teeth as well.

"You better!" With a last knock on the door the Brit is gone.

Our eyes lock again and I can see the indecision in her features. I sit up as well and now we're eye level again. I lift my hand and cup her cheek and she closes her eyes and leans into my touch, sighing contently. My heart is full at the scene before me and while her eyes are still closed, I move in. But something keeps me from kissing her, it's like the moment we were in just a minute ago has passed and with it all the courage that ran through my veins. So I fall back into a familiar gesture, leaning my forehead against hers and touching our noses. A big smile splits her face and she puts a hand on my neck, drawing circles below my hairline, sending shivers down my spine. I put my other hand on her forearm, only touching with the very tip of my fingers. I stroke up and down her arm, paying close attention to the nautilus tattoo on her wrist, tracing its pattern with feathery light touches. Sure enough I am awarded with the beautiful brunette leaning even more into me and letting out a sound that I can only describe as purring. Emanating deep from her throat, I find it's the most comforting sound I have ever heard. I close my eyes as well and in this moment I am as happy as never before. What could be better than this?

We stay in that position for a couple of minutes, not willing to break the wonderful spell that has come upon us. But Sarah did say that she would drag Cosima out of bed with her own hands, a risk I am not willing to take. So I stop the stroking motion on her arm and take her hand instead, squeezing it lightly.

"Cosima," I whisper and with a quiet "Hmm?" she opens her eyes.

"Sarah will come back, non?"

A smirk splits her face. "Yeah, probably. She can be a real pain in the ass sometimes."

"Oui, a ... pain in the ass." Cosima can't keep from chuckling.

"You're so cute, saying that with your French accent."

I blush and although there is nothing in this world I want less, I suggest that we get out of bed and start the day. "I need to take a shower," I whisper and Cosima nods carefully. With a last deep breath, she leans back and gives me a smile again. Now the only contact left between us is our hands, mine still lightly holding hers.

"Totes, bathroom's over there," she goes and points at the door across the room. "There are towels under the sink, you can just grab one …"

"Cosima," I say as I can't keep from chuckling as she looks at me confused, "all my clothes are upstairs, so I will probably have to go and take a shower in my bathroom ..."

The second I finish my sentence, her eyes grow wide and she blushed furiously.

"Oh totes! Totes, ha, of course!" She brings her hand to her neck and averts her eyes, clearly embarrassed.

"Cosima," I go again and her gaze meets mine, "you are very cute when you are embarrassed." Now I bite my bottom lip, this time one purpose, and am met with the cheeky brunette sticking her tongue between her teeth.

"Well Dr. Cormier, I'm glad I can humor you." My eyes lock on her full lips and I realize that if I don't leave right now, we will never get out of this room. So I give her hand one more squeeze, swing my legs out of bed and get up. Cosima lets out a sound of disapproval and comes onto her knees, scooting close to the edge of the mattress.

"Where should we meet?" I ask her and pick up my knit sweater off the floor.

"In the kitchen in 20?"

"Oui, c'est bon."

A smile splits her face again. "I'm a sucker for when you speak French," she admits with a sparkle in her eyes.

Now it's my turn to blush, but I still need to take a shower and at this rate that will never happen. So I take a step towards the door, but turn around in the last second to look at her one more time.

"Cosima?"

"Yes?" A hopeful look on her face.

"Je ... I ..." I trial off, not sure how to say what I want to say. Not even sure what exactly I want to say. "I really enjoyed our morning," I confess with a blush on my part. My confession is met with the most beautiful expression of bliss on her face.

"I enjoyed our morning, too. Obvs." And there it is again, big smile, tongue between her teeth. Before I even know what I'm doing, I bring my hand to my mouth, kiss it, and lay it on her lips. I expect another cheeky remark, but when nothing comes and Cosima just watches me with a huge grin on her face and a sparkle in her eyes, I wink at her one last time and open the door to step into the hallway.

At least that's what I intend to do. Instead I open the door and run straight into Sarah, who is standing there with her fist in the air, getting ready to pound on the wood again. We collide full force and Sarah is thrown off balance and has to take a step back to regain it. 

"Delphine?" She looks at me with wide eyes and gives me a once over. Only now do I realize that it's the middle of the day and of course I would be meeting someone in this house full of people on my way upstairs. Me coming out of Cosima's room only wearing panties and a tank top surely adds another spin to the story.

My face gets incredibly warm and I just manage a quick "Desolée" before hurrying down the hallway and up the stairs.

When I enter my room I close the door and lean my back against it. I close my eyes and sure enough a smile slowly forms on my face and a hearty laugh leaves my throat. What a situation. Still, I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

I don't want to keep Cosima waiting, so I strip off my clothes on the way to the bathroom and jump into the shower. The moment the water hits me, my mind starts to wander. What a difference a single night can make. Sitting on the porch talking with Phoenix it still felt like I was being strangled by my own life. On the path I had gone down, I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the system to swallow me whole. But when I woke up this morning I felt different. Everything felt so different. The void that had unbeknownst to me made its home in my heart was suddenly filled. And with that everything changed.

I suddenly realize that waking up this morning was the first time in—in forever? — that I didn't wake up with a wave of panic rolling over me. On the contrary, laying there in Cosima's arms I even fell back asleep, something that would never have happened a mere week ago when thoughts about exams and papers and research proposals would invade my head the millisecond consciousness got back to me. But now everything's different. I'm different. I'm whole.

Going through my shower routine, I can't help but grin like a fool. I think of Cosima and her obvious frustration when our almost kiss was disturbed by Sarah. Cosima and the sparkle in her eyes when  I put my hand on her lips before I left her room.

By the time I step out of the shower and get dressed, I have to hurry downstairs to be on time for our meeting, but I still have a bounce in my step and a hum on my lips. I had decided for a pair of jeans shorts and a light t-shirt, we would surely be working outside today and any other outfit would leave me overheated within a minute.

As I walk down the downstairs hallway and get close to the kitchen, I am hit with a familiar scent that makes my mouth water. I round the corner to see Cosima with a cast iron skillet in hand, standing behind the kitchen island. On the island there are two plates with two halves of a toasted and buttered bagel each and right now Cosima eases two fried eggs onto each dish. Whites firm, bright golden center, crispy edge. The look absolutely "Parfait!"

Cosima jumps and looks at me in shock. Luckily that look is quickly replaced by a wide grin. "Whoa, you scared me Dr. Cormier!" Tongue between her teeth she puts the skillet back onto the cooktop, grabs salt and pepper and generously sprinkles the spices onto the eggs.

"You made me fried eggs?" My heart starts beating faster at the thought and a stupid smile appears on my face.

"Well, I tried! They're probably not your 'perfectly fried eggs', but I hope I got close."

I step around the kitchen island and cup her face with my hand, planting a soft kiss on her cheek.

"They are perfect. Merci Cosima." The dreadlocked brunette blushes under my touch and quickly turns around with a "There's more!"

When I see what she's holding in her hands, my knees go weak.

"Café au lait," I whisper and look at her with big eyes.

"Yes, café au lait," she goes, once again butchering the unfamiliar French words with her accent and I melt a little inside, "You like?"

I nod vigorously and beam at her. "Oui, I like it very much."

"Awesome! Well let's go outside and eat then before it gets cold. Can you grab the plates?"

I take our plates and follow Cosima outside onto the porch. We sit down at the big table, facing each other.

"Here ya go," she says as she hands me a fork and a knife, "dig in!"

And that's what I do. The eggs really are fried to perfection, the yolk still runny but warm. The bagel is absolutely delightful. Crunchy on the outside, warm and fluffy on the inside. I dip a piece of bagel into the egg yolk and when it hits my tongue I can't help but leave out a long sigh.

"So the part about the freshly baked bread didn't really work out," Cosima starts, "but we get those bagels from a neighboring farm and I really like them, so I hope ..."

Before she can finish the sentence, I reach across the table and put my hand on her arm.

"Cosima," she stops talking and looks at me with her mesmerizing eyes, "this is heaven." A smile splits her face and she puts her hand on mine. "This is so, so good, merci for making this for me."

Something in her features changes and now her voice isn’t quite as confident anymore as before. "My pleasure."

We continue eating and after finishing our delicious cafés au lait, Cosima quickly takes the dishes inside.

When she gets back she informs me with a smirk that it's already 10 o'clock and that we really should get going if we want to get everything ready for the barbecue tomorrow. So she saunters down the stairs and hand in hand we start into the direction opposite of the chicken coop, an area I haven't been to yet. After a couple of minutes, a strange sound reaches my ears and sure enough there's the herd of sheep right in front of us, grazing on the pasture. I expect them to run as we get closer and closer, but instead they stay put and we walk right through them.

Replying to my unvoiced question, Cosima explains that they are used to people by now.

"They have a pretty sweet life here, why would they run away from us?" she says with a wink.

Now I see a large wooden barn, doors wide open and a number of people buzzing around. Cosima and I look at each other, unsure what to do about our entwined fingers. I remember the way she stared at Siobhan after we got back from the lake yesterday and I wonder if she is even allowed to ... get close ... to one of the recruits. I don't want to get her into trouble so I squeeze her hand one more time before I return both of mine to my pockets. For a second she looks disappointed, but I smile at her reassuringly and the lopsided grin returns to her face instantly.

Alison and Donnie are carrying large packs of hay outside and putting them up against the outer wall of the barn. They are laughing in a way that shows that they are quite fond of each other. Now a big green tractor is driven out of the barn, Art doing the steering, followed by a second one, Phoenix inside. They drive them to the side of the barn and stop once they are 20 or so yards away.

Art jumps out of the tractor and catches sight of us.

"What's up, Niehaus?" he says with a big smile and I realize that up until now I didn't even know Cosima's last name.

"What's up, Bell?" she responds and they close in for a high five. Phoenix rounds the second tractor and gives Cosima a quick hug before doing the same thing to me. I am taken by surprise by the sudden closeness, but decide that it's a good surprise and hug him back. Now he looks into my eyes and I can see worry crossing his features.

"How are you?" he whispers so only I can hear.

"I'm doing well," I answer, but that doesn't seem to do my current state justice, so I reiterate. "Actually, I'm really, really good." And with that, a huge smile splits my face and I blush a little. His eyes change and a smirk appears on his face.

"I see," he says and turns around to throw a glance at Cosima, who is now in the middle of a conversation with Alison and Donnie. "Well I'm glad you're good." With a kiss on my cheek he turns around and claps his hands to gather his recruits.

"Alright team, we really should get started on the food. Are we ready?" His question is met with nods and sounds of agreement. "You got this?" he asks Cosima and points is thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the barn.

"You bet, we got this!" cocky Cosima is quick to respond. And with a last smile at us he starts towards the farmhouse, gesturing for Alison, Donnie, and Art to follow him.

"Sooo ...?" I start as soon as they are out of ear shot, curious about what tasks the day is going to bring for us, "what do we have to do?" Stepping closer to the petite brunette, only now do I notice her outfit. Short shorts and a burgundy 'University of Minnesota' t-shirt. But before I can inquire, Cosima starts talking.

"Well what we definitely need to do is wash those tractors and sweep the barn, so the boys can put up the stage and the tables later. Other than that we're pretty much free, so we can go look if they need help with anything once we're done."

"Bon, so the tractors first?"

"Yep! Follow me, Dr. Cormier."

I follow her into the barn where we find a water hose, several buckets, rags, and sponges. We take them outside to the tractors and taking a closer look at them now, I see that they really do need a cleaning. Dirt is stuck all over the green paint.

Cosima uses the hose to fill up the buckets with water and then, with a cheeky grin on her face, throws a soaking wet sponge into my direction. I catch it, but the impact still catapults water all over me. I open my mouth in fake outrage, but in this heat the water actually feels really good on my skin.

"Cosima!" My glare is only returned with a cheeky grin.

"Sorry Dr. Cormier, I just wanted to hand you the sponge," she says innocently.

My face splits into a grin as I get close to her again and whisper "Brat!" into her ear and I am awarded with a quick peck on my cheek.

We start washing the tractor and one by one big patches of dirt come off. Cosima bows down to wash out her sponge, but when she comes back up, she 'accidentally' brushes my arm again with the soaking sponge and a shiver runs down my spine. As retaliation, I 'accidentally' brush her leg with my sponge on my way down. We continue this little game until the first tractor is almost clean. By now, sweat is running down my neck and my cleavage and it is unbelievably hot. I can see Cosima gleaming as well, clearly just as affected by the temperatures as I am. The water in my bucket is dirty and needs to be changed once again, so I take it to the side of the barn and pour it out to refill it. Thirty seconds later the bucket is filled to the rim with fresh cold water and I take it to where Cosima is standing, back to me, still scrubbing the metal. Before I reach her I come to a halt, my eyes are magically drawn to her tiny frame. Her dreads up in a bun, I can see the muscles under her shirt working with every movement she makes. When she stretches, her shirt rides up and provides me with a view of her lower back, smooth and velvety. The sight leaves my heart beating faster and makes my mouth water. Her whole back is drenched in sweat and thinking about our teasing leaves my tingly in all the right places.

Now I pick up the bucket again, this time with both of my hands, one on the rim, one under the bottom. I sneak up to her as quiet as I can and just when she turns around to see where I am, I pour the whole bucket of water over her head.

She lets out a scream and throws her hands up in surprise, her eyes lock on mine. She is completely drenched, head to toe.

"Oh no, you didn't!” With her mouth wide she takes a step towards me. Thinking she is going in for a hug to get me all wet, I quickly evade her. But that was not her plan, instead she goes for the hose, starts the water, and turns towards me, huge grin on her face.

"Oh Dr. Cormier, you are toast!" I put my hands up to appease her, yet I can't keep in a giggle.

"Non, Cosima! Think of my concussion ..."

But she already starts in my direction, hose in hand. I turn and run around the tractor to put a barrier between us, but sure enough the water hits my legs.

She rounds the tractor and another spurt of water hits me and gets the back of my t-shirt completely drenched. I keep running and now the tractor is right between us. Whenever she takes a step into one direction, I echo her movements. Now she sticks her head around the barrier and shoots me a glance, tongue between her teeth.

"Don't run, Dr. Cormier. I'm gonna get you, you're toast!" And in this instance, her features change. Her eyebrows ride up, her eyes open wide, and the cheeky grin is replaced by a huge smile. I look at her, not sure what to expect.

"Oh my God, you're toast!" She lets out a long laugh and the sound warms my heart. She drops the hose and continues laughing, tears start streaming down her face.

"You're toast! And you're French! You're French toast!"

A snort escapes me and her hearty laughter is contagious. Judging her to be of no danger anymore, I let her approach me now. She puts a cold hand to my face and I can feel the hair on my neck stand up and goose bumps run down my arms. She strokes my cheek with a wide smile and her bright eyes hypnotize me again.

"You're French toast, Dr. Cormier," she whispers as she leans closer. My gaze wanders down to her lips and I lick mine in anticipation. I focus on her eyes again to see that she is looking directly into mine. I put one hand on her hip and one on her cheek and pull her close to me so our bodies are flush. I don't mind the water, I don't mind if anyone sees.

My action is awarded with a big smile. I stroke her cheek with my thumb and lean in as well. When I see her eyes close, mine do as well and finally—it seems like I had to wait a lifetime for this—our mouths connect in a kiss. One that isn't motivated by tears and pain, but by laughter and joy.

Cosima puts her arms around my neck and I pull her up to me, not willing to break our sweet embrace. Her soft lips move against mine. She lets out a deep moan as I carefully take her bottom lip between my teeth and tug on it.

"Delphine," she whimpers and I can feel her tongue on my lips, demanding entrance. I turn both of us around and press her back against the tractor. With both of my hands on her face, I pull her in for a deep kiss, my tongue exploring her sweet mouth for the first time. She does the same thing, and I can feel her tongue graze against my teeth and tangling with mine. A deep groan escapes me, which leaves her even more motivated. Cosima is an amazing kisser, she knows exactly where to nip, where to tug, where to lick, how deep to go. My heart beats fast and standing there in her embrace, her lips on mine, I forget about anything else around us. All I want is to be held by her, to taste her lips, to feel her tongue inside of me. But my brain registers an alarmingly low rate of oxygen in my blood, so with a last groan against her mouth I must pull back.

Breathless, our eyes lock and both of us escapes a giggle. She closes in again for another soft kiss, her tongue parting my lips. But my demand for air has not yet been met, so I pull back again, causing the woman pinned against me to pant disapprovingly.

"Babe," she whispers and her eyes draw me right back in. But instead of her lips, I go for her cheek and lay a wet, open mouthed kiss on it. Now trailing her jaw with little bites and licks, I soon reach her ear and suck on her earlobe. She hisses and suddenly I feel all her weight on my neck as she jumps up and wraps her legs around my waist. She slips slightly, so I grab her ass with both of my hands to secure her against me, pressing her to the tractor again. My hands squeeze her tight muscles and she groans right into my ear. By now my stomach is heavy with desire and the heat that has always crept towards my face the last days now creeps into the other direction and sets into the apex of my thighs. A heat runs through my veins and I lightly bite into the crook of Cosima's neck. She grabs my head and pins me to her, fingers entangled in my curls. She peppers my shoulder with kisses, but where she is gentle, I become rougher and focus on that sweet spot on her neck. I suck and bite and lick it and realize that my action will definitely leave a mark. But that doesn't discourage me. On the contrary, a rush of adrenaline runs through me and I press into Cosima, right against her center and she lets out another groan.

"Shit, Delphine!"

I pull back and lean my forehead against hers, noses pressed together tightly.

"Ma chérie," I pant and lean in for another open-mouthed kiss. Her tongue enters my mouth, but as mine meets hers again, I suddenly hear a very distinct voice, quickly coming closer.

"Oi, will you stay away with that? Sarah, don't you dare!"

I pull back, our eyes lock again and both of us groan in frustration.

 


	11. Toast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's (almost) Friday here, so time for an update! Thanks for your continued support and another shout out to my awesome beta/partner in crime ebroisbae!

"Sarah, I swear to God!" A scream echoes toward us. "Sarah! You are such a twat!"

Cosima and I lock gazes again and she pulls me in for another kiss. But Felix and Sarah are awfully close by now, so I just give her a chaste peck on the corner of her mouth and pull back to lean my forehead against hers.

"Babe, please!" Her eyes have somehow taken on a darker color and they look at me with what I can only describe as longing.

"Chérie, they are going to see us." She looks at me and the smile falls out of her face instantly. With that, she drops her hands from my neck.

"You don't want them to know about us ..." Her voice trails off and she turns her head away, looking right by me. Panic runs through my veins at her sudden change of mood. That's not what I meant! That's not what worries me!

"Non! Chérie," I drop one hand from her ass and put it on her chin to turn her face back to me. "I just don't want to get you into trouble. Believe me, I want everyone to know about us." I utter those words before I even have time to think about it. But in the second it takes for Cosima's face to light up again, I know that they are true. I do want everyone to know about us. I don't want to steal hasty kisses in the shadows, I don't want to have to sneak out of her room. I want everyone to see. "I want this. I want you."

"I want you, too. Obvs." With that the cheeky grin is back on her face and my heart flutters excitedly.

Now sighing audibly, she leans her head back against the cool metal and closes her eyes, still smirking, getting ready to end our embrace and face Sarah and Felix. But as I hear them approaching the barn, they are almost here, I look at the fragile line of her neck, the way her nostrils flare in obvious frustration, the way her jaw is clenched. Never in my life have I been so attracted to someone. Never in my life have I felt so safe.

By now the siblings have reached the other tractor, commenting how badly it needs a wash. A smile splits my face and instead of putting Cosima down, I use the hand that's still on her ass to pull her tighter to my hips, _where she belongs_ , and lay another soft kiss on her lips. She opens her eyes in surprise and gives me a look full of adoration. I go in to meet her lips again, parting them with my tongue and she brings both of her hands to my face to hold me close. Her tongue meets mine just as Felix and Sarah round the corner. It's not like I don't care. I do care. I want them to see, I want them to know that Cosima, that tiny frame wrapped around me, is mine and that I am hers.

"Don't be such a pussy Fee, you ... Whoa!" I can hear Sarah's gasp and Felix lets out a whispered "Holy Tilda Swinton!" But I can't see their reaction, because my eyes are shut tightly and my face is still pressed to Cosima's. I can feel her smile against my mouth and oh so slowly her tongue retracts, leaving me wanting more. Our lips meet one last heartfelt time and when I can feel her flex her legs around me I understand and put her down. With her now standing in front of me, my hand immediately finds hers. As we turn around to face the siblings, I can feel myself blush furiously.

Sarah is standing with her back towards us, having respectfully turned away when she saw us. With his side to us, Felix is shielding his eyes with his hand. But he his so obviously peeking that I ask myself why he bothers pretending at all. 

With a cheeky grin on her face and a squeeze of my hand, Cosima clears her throat.

They both turn towards us and Felix is the first one to speak out, arms crossed over his chest. "Well, well, I did not see that coming. When exactly did this happen? You've only been here for a day!" He looks at me incredulously and I just shrug. Somehow I expect a sarcastic comment from Sarah as well, some reference of her seeing me sneak out of Cosima's room. But instead, her gaze grows soft and a shy smile appears on her face while she's looking at Cosima.

"Sometimes it's not about how long you know a person." A glance into my direction. "Right?"

"Oui, sometimes it's not."

"Well, I guess welcome to the family then." With that Sarah steps in to pull me into a hug and Felix swiftly follows to form an awkward three-person embrace.

"Um, merci!" I can't help but smile at their sudden display of affection.

As they pull back, Felix starts babbling right away.

"I liked you right from the start, Frenchie! And with a face like that," I can see Sarah forming an 'awesome' sign and winking at Cosima who starts giggling in response, "you are very lucky that I'm gay or I would have jumped your bones as well."

"And you're engaged, Felix," Cosima adds with her tongue between her teeth.

"Oh yes, that too."

Cosima inches closer to me and I can feel her slipping her hand into my back pocket, squeezing my butt lightly. I take the invitation and rest my hand on her hip. She looks at me from her mesmerizing eyes and I can't help but lean in for a chaste kiss.

"Hey you lovebirds! Don't you have work to do?" Sarah protests in jest. Cosima pulls away and is practically beaming it me.

"Don't you have work to do?" Cosima responds cheekily. "Are you just leaving your recruits to fend for themselves?"

"Oi, not everybody can be this close and personal with their recruits," Felix interjects and playfully bumps into my side. It is heartwarming to see how Cosima, Sarah, and Felix interact and to be invited into their little group.

"Actually, I do need to get back to them. When I left, Beth was chasing a calf across the pasture and Paul was looking at her like she was the thing he wanted to chase," Sarah states with a smile on her lips. "I just need to get some hay."

"And for a reason I still cannot fathom, I agreed to help her," Felix adds while throwing his hands in the air.

"Alright, help yourself then. You know where it is." Cosima is now pointing to the side of the barn, which is covered in stacks of hay. The Brits turn around and start picking at the hay, seemingly unable to decide which stack to take.

I can feel Cosima's hand tighten against my butt again and a split second later, her petite frame is pressed against me once more. She puts her hands on my face for another kiss, but this one is different than the previous ones. This one is slow, languid even. I can't resist but part her lips with my tongue and am instantly met with her warm muscle in return. I rest one hand on her cheek and put one on her back to hold her close. With her soft lips locked on mine, her sweet taste on my tongue, a deep sigh escapes me. When I feel her purr against me, my heart starts fluttering and I wonder how I survived all those years without this, without her heart beating against mine.

With a last tug on my bottom lip she pulls back, a mischievous grin suddenly on her face. She moves her head to look over her shoulder at Sarah and Felix, who have their backs to us, still concentrating on the hay. The petite brunette winks at me and lets out a whispered "Follow my lead!"

When she grabs the hose to quietly refill the bucket with water, I understand instantly. A couple of seconds later, she hands me the filled up bucket and wraps her finger tighter around the hose. With her index finger against her lips in a 'hush' motion, she points at me and then at Felix, indicating my target for our surprise attack. After motioning between herself and Sarah, she connects her index finger and her thumb in an inquiring 'okay' sign and I flash her the same sign, the wide grin on my face mirroring hers.

We quietly approach the Brits, who are too caught up in their conversation to notice us. When we're only a yard away, Cosima starts counting down with her fingers, not making a single sound. Three, two, one …

The same moment Cosima turns on the hose and completely drenches Sarah from head to toe, I lift the bucket up high and empty all of its contents over Felix' head.

Both let out a scream and I can't help but chuckle at the fact that Felix' is the higher pitched one.

"Bloody shite fucker!" While Felix is looking down at his body, still trying to understand what just happened, Sarah's eyes instantly lock on Cosima. When the Brit takes a step towards her, Cosima drops the hose and turns around running to quickly put some distance between them. As Felix's eyes focus on mine, I do the same thing and join Cosima behind the first tractor, both of our backs pressed against the cool metal, high-pitched giggles escaping our mouths. Only now do I realize that my cheeks hurt from all the smiling and giggling and kissing I've been doing this morning. I wrap my hand around the brunette's and our gazes lock. My heart melts at the sight of pure happiness in her eyes and I move in to lean my forehead against her once again. When I hear water forcefully splashing against plastic, I can't help but let out a chuckle. "In which universe did it seem like a good idea to you to drop the hose and leave it with Sarah, ma chérie?"

A small pout forms on her lips, but is quickly replaced with her flashing white teeth. "She had murder in her eyes, I didn't really have time to contemplate my actions," she goes, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

I give her a quick peck on the lips. "You are so eloquent. It is quite endearing."

"You're such a nerd," she whispers and closes in for another chaste kiss. When she pulls back I can see her tongue poking out between her teeth and it takes all the resolve I can muster to keep myself from plunging into her mouth again. But by now I can hear the sound of the second bucket being filled up and realize that "We should probably work on a strategy."

My suggestion is met with a stifled laugh, but Cosima nods in agreement. "Alright. I'll take Sarah again, she's the vicious one and will probably have the hose. I'll just wrestle it free from her."

I can't help but grin at my mental image, the two petite women fighting over the hose, both getting completely drenched again in the process. "Bon. I will take on Felix then."

"Yeah, he only has one shot with the bucket, so just try to evade it. And then go for the second bucket before he can."

"Absolutement ma commandante." Her cheeks grow red at my use of the French endearment.

"Oi! We know where you are, you can't hide from us!" Felix clearly is approaching our hiding spot from the left side, the sound of the hose being dragged across the ground is coming from the right side. I motion at Cosima, drawing circles in the air with my index finger. _They are circling us._ She nods and with a squeeze of my hand takes off into Sarah's direction, bravely throwing herself into combat. So I run into the other direction, taking on Felix head first. When he sees me shooting out behind the metal vehicle, he quickly throws the contents of his bucket into my direction. But I anticipate his actions and manage to evade his attack. Running right past him I go for the second bucket, still filled to the brim, standing on the soaking grass. When Fee sees me coming for him, it's his turn to run away, right into the direction of Cosima and Sarah. The brunettes both have their hands on the hose, both soaked to the bones, laughing and giggling as their struggle continues. Felix moves in a way to put the pair of brunettes between us, so now both of us are circling the women, me trying to get to the Brit and him trying to keep the distance between us as large as possible.

"No, no, no, Frenchie!" He does a very poor job at hiding his amusement. "I am already soaking wet!" A joyful cry escapes Cosima as Sarah seemingly regains control over the hose, putting the end right down her friends cleavage.

"Holy shit, dude!" Cosima jumps up and down as the icy water runs down her front. But Sarah is too sure of herself and the dreadlocked brunette senses the moment of weakness, pulling the hose out of her shirt again and turning it into Sarah's direction, against the struggling arms of the wild woman. The bucket is growing heavy in my arms and just as I get ready to go in and gain momentum to just dump the water on Felix sideways, he puts both of his palms in the air.

"Hold on!" Although his voice is crackling with a giggle that's trying to escape, the women between us stop fighting for a second and turn both of their heads towards the slender man. "How come," he starts, now putting a single index finger up in the air, pointing at me, "that all of us are soaked from head to toe and Frenchie over there is half wet at most?" He laughs at his own play of words and I blush like a twelve-year old. But when I notice that three pairs of eyes are suddenly locked on me, I look down at my body and realize that I really am almost completely dry again. All the previous wetness must have evaporated in this unforgiving weather.

"Yeah Delphine, how come?" Sarah echoes his words and suddenly I am aware of the tables turning against me. Taking in the wide grin on Cosima's face and the jest in her eyes, I see that she won't be coming to my rescue this time. When she drops her hands from the hose, leaving Sarah in control, I turn around to run again. But cold hands find my wrist and Cosima has both of my arms locked against my back faster than I can protest.

"Sorry toast," she whispers in my ear and lays a hot kiss on my neck just before Sarah turns the hose on me, not stopping until there's not a single square inch of dry skin left on my body.

"Oh merde!" A giggle escapes me.The water is so cold that I shiver violently and although I try to escape Cosima's hold, it just doesn't work. With Felix hollering in the background, the huge grin on Sarah's face and Cosima's trembling body pressed to my back, I realize that right now, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than surrounded by these lovable weirdos.

When Sarah finally turns off the hose, I can feel Cosima loosening her grip on my wrists. So I turn around and lay my arms on her shoulders, quickly pulling her in for a kiss, bodies flush. When our lips part again, I look into those gorgeous eyes and a tremble runs through my body. "Traitor," I whisper into her ear, my cheek now pressed against hers.

"Sorry toast, but justice had to be done." I can feel her nudge me with her nose, her hot breath tingling my still icy cold neck.

"Jesus Christ, you are like two bloody teenagers! Come on Sarah, I think they need some privacy." I can hear the Brits pick up the stacks of hay they'd been looking at and starting back into the direction of the main house.

I pull back to lean my forehead against Cosima's, content smile on my lips. "Are you really going to be calling me 'toast' from now on?"

"Oui, ma petite French Toast ..." I can't help but giggle, never have I found such a horrible accent so endearing. "Because you're French and sweet and every time I see you I really wanna ..." She doesn't finish the sentence and instead sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. But I still know exactly what she means and a quiet gasp escapes my mouth. Leaning in for another taste of her soft lips, I can feel her hands curiously wandering along my midriff, pulling at the soaked fabric of my shirt that's clinging to my skin, tracing the outlines of my hipbones with blunt fingernails. When her fingers find their way to the extremely sensitive point between my navel and hipbones, my abs twitch involuntarily and a surprised cry leaves my mouth, muffled against Cosima's wet tongue. She pulls back at my unexpected reaction and there it is again, that mischievous grin on her face.

"Dr. Cormier! Ticklish, huh?"

"Non!" But when her fingertips keep moving against me, I can't help but pull my stomach away from her, an uncontrollable giggle escaping me, clearly giving me away. Abandoning their place on my stomach, she puts both of her hands on my hips to pull me close again, locking me in a tight embrace and nuzzling her head against my neck.

"I like seeing you squirm under my fingertips," Cosima whispers and the ambiguity of her words is not lost on me. My heartbeat quickening, I move my hands down her back and into her back pockets, giving her ass a tight squeeze. Her right hand now wanders up my wet body and oh so slowly finds its way to my breast, first stroking the outer part and the underside. But my quiet moan encourages her and soon her thumb finds the hard nipple under my bra, massaging it relentlessly.

I open my mouth to go in for another kiss, but before our lips connect, I can feel Cosima manoeuvring her tight thigh against my center. The sudden friction makes me gasp and I am thankful that she's here for me to hold onto. My heartbeat increases immediately and I just can't bring myself to care that we are out in the open for everyone to see. So I spread my legs to give her more room and am awarded with her repositioning and now moving her bare leg right against my clit, the thin fabric of my shorts not more than a nuisance.

"Mon dieu, _Cosima_!" She clearly knows what she's doing, moving her thigh in precise motions, sometimes increasing the pace, sometimes increasing the pressure on my sensitive nerve bundle. The speed in which my arousal increases is almost embarrassing. Barely a minute in, I am totally at the mercy of the petite brunette. Pudding in her embrace, my legs fail to manage to hold me up and I have to move my arms around her neck to not fall over.

Her right hand still kneading my breast, her left gripping my ass to hold me close against her relentless thigh, I can feel an orgasm approach with fast strides.

My heart exploding in my chest, my whole body vibrating I now barely manage basic articulation.

"Ooooh _merde_! I'm ... I'm so close. Don't stop, chérie!" I press my mouth against her neck to muffle my panting. But when I feel like I can't take it anymore, her mouth finds mine. My lips part to invite her inside and the next moment I feel a million things at once. Her wet stomach pressed to mine, her hand squeezing my ass. Her expert fingers pinching my nipple, her sweet tongue entangled with mine. Looking into her mesmerizing eyes that seem to hold my whole universe, it is the next brush against my clit that sends me over the edge.


	12. You and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday again, so you know what that means! Time for an update!  
> Another shout out to my wonderful beta ebroisbae. Merci, mon amie!

Her sweet lips on mine, I can't help but explore. My tongue grazing over her teeth and enjoying the taste of her, I never cease the motion of my thigh against her center. Now she's looking right into my eyes and I can feel how close she is. Her arms wrapped around my neck tightly, I can feel her heart pounding against her chest and her breathing is so quick that she's almost hyperventilating. So I make sure that the next pass of my thigh against her clit connects with her with just the right pressure at just the right angle, finally sending her over the edge.

The moment she comes, her arms lock around my neck like they are made out of steel and I can feel her fingernails dig into my shoulder. Her breathing stops completely and her long moans are barely muffled by my mouth against hers. I keep moving my thigh to guide her through her high, but when her moans change into sounds of displeasure over the apparent overstimulation, I drop my leg and wrap both of my arms around her. With a final whimper her mouth leaves mine and I pull her close so she can rest her head on my shoulder.

Now breathing heavily, she leans on me as I can feel her legs trembling beneath her.

"Cosima," is all she manages to pant into my ear and I start stroking her back lightly, trying to soothe the disheveled blonde. Only now do I realize that we are totally out in the open, so exposed that anyone could have seen. I can't believe I got carried away like that, but it seems like in the presence of the gorgeous blonde my head stops working and my heart takes over.

"Shh babe, I'm right here ..."

A couple of minutes pass before Delphine pulls back and I can see wet streaks descending from her eyes. Bottom lip sucked between her teeth she looks at me with an unreadable expression on her face. My heart drops and I panic. Did I go too far? Was this not what she wanted after all?

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" My questions are a barely audible whisper, it's almost like I'm afraid that if I just spoke up, the echo of my words could shatter the little cosmos the two of us have built in the last 24 hours. "Did I ..."

But before I can finish talking, her face lights up in a wide smile and with a sniffle she wipes away the wetness on her cheeks. Now leaning her forehead against mine, I can feel one of her hands making its way from my neck to my cheek, cupping it gently.

"Mon amour," she purrs and closes in for another kiss. Slow, soft, gentle. Her tongue finds mine and I cannot believe how lucky I am. Only a day ago I was still haunted by that pair of icy blue eyes, the memory of Shay turning away from me still keeping me up at night. But just like that Delphine, a woman so gentle, so raw, so loving stumbles into my life and everything changes. Her soft lips against mine, we are perfectly in tune. Languid strokes and gentle caresses. I wonder if I ever felt this way with Shay and when I realize I didn't, relief washes over me. For the first time I think back to the day she left me and an emotion different from terrible sadness envelopes me. For the first time I see that she was right. We weren't meant to get married, we weren't meant to spend the rest of our lives together. For the first time I realize that she was not my soulmate.

I can't stop my mouth from forming a smile and Delphine pulls back, shooting me a curious glance.

"What are you smiling about, mon amour?"

The sparkle in her eyes makes my heart jump and I go in to plant another soft kiss right on the beauty mark beneath her lips. "You," I start and bring my hand to her face to gently stroke her bottom lip with my thumb. "I'm smiling about you. I'm just so glad I met you."

"I'm glad I met you, too. It feels like everything that has happened in the past, everything that has pulled me down was just a catalyst to bring me here."

Her lips meet mine again and stroke for stroke, lick for lick she fills my mind, fills my heart until there seems to be nothing else anymore. Our tongues connect and in that moment all I am, all I feel, all I want is Delphine.

Resting her forehead against mine she looks deep into my eyes and I notice that the darkness in her irises is gone, now they shine golden through and through.

"It just feels," she starts, not breaking our sweet embrace.

"Like we were made for each other," we both finish her sentence in unison and my heart is full.

I can see a single tear escape from her eyes and only when I feel her wipe at my cheek do I realize that I am crying as well. I lean in again, this kiss salty and soothing and earnest. Full of promise. I can feel her pull back slightly and with both of her hands on my head, she continues to kiss every square inch of my face. First the corner of my mouth, she wanders upwards to my nose and my eyes. I can hear her whisper softly in between kisses.

"Mon amour ..." Paying close attention to my eyes, I can feel her soft lips swipe away the last remnants of salty wetness.

"Je ne vais jamais te quitter."

Now she's moving to my temple and down to my jaw and although all her weight is resting on my shoulders, it feels like she is the one holding me.

"Delphine ..."

"Cosima." Our gazes lock again, hypnotizing.

"I ... I ..." I know what I want to say. And I know that I have never before said anything so true. Still I am fumbling for words. "I ..." Delphine leans in for another soft kiss and then goes to rest our foreheads together once more.

"Je t'aime, aussi." Another kiss. "Je t'aime, Cosima." So simple, so earnest, her words set me free. 

"I love you." And sure enough my eyes start watering again. "I love you, Delphine."

* * *

 

"C'mere babe, you go first!" She doesn't hesitate and a couple of seconds later she is up the ladder and standing on the gallery in the barn. I quickly follow her and go on to take her hand to pull her behind me into a corner at the front wall. Exhausted from tearful confessions and salty kisses, both of us could use some rest. So I pull out a rolled up blanket from its secret hiding place by the window and spread it over a thick layer of hay.

"Et voilà!" My grand gesture is awarded with a smile that melts my insides.

"Merci." Taking my hand, Delphine is the first one to sit down on our makeshift bed, but I follow her swiftly. Leaning back, both of our heads hit the blanket at the same time and when I look at Delphine, I can see a pout forming on her face. I can't help but giggle at the look of fake frustration, the corner of her mouth twitching as she tries very hard not to smile.

"What's up, Toast?"

"You're so far away ..." Now she can't keep her mouth from forming a wide smile that's all teeth and  I break into a hearty laugh.

"Sorry babe, what was I thinking?" I scoot closer to her, so that our noses are touching. She sneaks a quick kiss and I take in her scent once more, like yesterday when we were both just standing in the kitchen. Jasmine and vanilla, mixed with fresh sweat and an undertone of the all-enveloping scent of hay. It smells like home.

Delphine goes to rest her hand on my side, drawing circles against my still wet shirt and I put my hand on her knee and pull it towards me, so that it is resting on my hip. With my hand tracing the length of her thigh, I can see the hair on her arms stand up.

"I love you," I whisper and meet her lips again for a soft kiss.

"I love you, too." She plants a gentle peck on my still bruised nose and now our foreheads rest against each other once again.

We both know that it's time. Sometimes to go forward, you have to go back.

"I want to tell you," she starts. "Everything."

I nod and reciprocate her gesture. "Me too. There's so much I need to tell you."

I can see her bite her bottom lip in a nervous manner and do my best to reassure her with a smile.

"Whatever it is, don't worry. We've both been through some shit, otherwise we wouldn't be here."

"Oui, c'est vrai ..."

She closes her eyes and lets out a sigh, nuzzling her nose against mine. When she opens them again, I can see a quiet determination and without another second of hesitation she starts her story.

Detailing every major turning point in her life, I feel like I was right there with her every step of the way. Her parents who were so proud of her, who raised her to question, who raised her not to settle. Her undergrad days in Paris, full of work, but also of love and friends and Sunday afternoons spent in the kitchen. Getting accepted into med school at Johns Hopkins, working with Professor Aldous Leekie, the leading figure in modern immunology. The pride, the motivation, the obligation that came with it. New friends, a perky little blonde called Krystal who she adores like no other. The only time a tear slips from her eyes is when she talks about Krystal. The first two years of her degree being everything she wanted. And after that the cut. My heart sinks at her quiet explanation of how her work took everything she had and left nothing behind. Of how she tried to cope. Of how at the end she felt nothing but emptiness.

"I didn't realize it then," she confesses. "I didn't realize I had a choice. All my life I had been working to get to that point, there was no going back."

I bring my hand to her face to gently caress her cheek. "And what about now?"

She bites her bottom lip and seems lost in thought for a moment. "Maybe I made the wrong promise to myself all those years ago." Her voice is now barely a whisper. "Maybe I should have promised myself that I'd make sure I'd be happy."

I nod in agreement and disconnect our noses to move closer to plant a kiss on her cheek. She turns and catches my mouth with hers for a chaste peck on my lips. "You make me happy, Cosima. I cannot even remember the last time I felt happy like this."

I can feel a blush creep into my cheeks at her blunt confession. "You make me happy, too. Obvs." I go on to stroke her cheek, tucking a stray strand of golden hair behind her ear.

Minutes pass and Delphine looks at me with gentle eyes, patiently waiting. Her story is finished, it is obviously my turn now. I close my eyes and for a second I worry. What will she think of me, proposing to my girlfriend while still in school? Will she run, realizing what she has gotten herself into? Or will she act differently around me knowing that I have been left before? Knowing how much it hurt me? Will she feel obligated to stay should our relationship reach its expiration date, simply out of fear of destroying me again? 

But when I open my eyes, I see the afternoon rays shining right into her golden orbs, illuminating her irises like the sun itself, revealing little golden flecks I have never noticed before. I gaze into her eyes and remember the look she gave me when she confessed her love. The look she gave me when she let down her guard and laid everything bare, detailing the story of her life. No, she won't judge me and she won't run. She deserves to hear it.

"It all began during my first year of grad school ..."

"Grad school?" A smile forms on her lips. "University of Minnesota," she goes, poking my chest where the university emblem is printed on my shirt. "So you're a doctor and you never said anything?! What's your area of research?"

"Well no, I'm not a doctor, I haven't finished my dissertation yet. And the area is evo devo."

I can't help but chuckle at the confused look on her face, but she quickly regains control over her facial muscles. "Evolutionary development!"

"Dr. Cormier, who would have known?" My remark is awarded with a blush. Deep crimson creeps into cheeks.

"So you're an ABD* then ..."

"I guess you could call it that, yeah." I think back to lazy afternoons in the lab. Rain whipping against the windows, I would always sit on the couch in our chill zone, legs intertwined with Shay's, reading articles and conference proceedings, Scott paying attention to the analyses we were running.

"I'm sorry, Cosima."

I refocus my attention and see that Delphine's brows are furrowed, a deep line running down between her eyes.

"No, don't worry babe. I was just ..." I lean forward to sneak a quick kiss from her soft lips. "Reminiscing."

She nods understandingly and brings her hand to my face to gently cup my cheek. "So it all started during your first year ..."

With all reservations lost, I tell her my story. Everything, from beginning to end, not omitting a single thing. How I met Shay the first time. How I was standing behind her in the line of the coffee shop on our first day of grad school, before we were even introduced, totally oblivious to the fact that we were in the same program. How I shamelessly flirted with her and asked her for her number not two minutes into our conversation. How she said no. How she looked when she later realized that we would be working together for the next five years. How I never quit asking her out after that day. How she finally succumbed to my advances a year later. How we moved in together. How we were planning to name our dog. How she left me on the day I proposed. How she broke my heart. How I ran. How I couldn't go back to the place where every single thing reminded me of her. How I never really got over her. Until now.

"Until now," I finish and look back into her golden eyes so deep that I could drown in them.

"I'm sorry you had to go through this, mon amour."

"Don't be." I close the little distance that is left between our mouths once again and I am met with soft lips and a warm tongue, inviting me inside. A hand on my neck, the other one on my cheek, I can feel her rolling us over, pinning myself between her slender frame and the blanket underneath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ABD = all but dissertation


	13. Drunk on Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday again, so here's your update! Thank you again to ebroisbae for betaing this chapter (and everything else I write) and for all-around awesomeness. Plus a special shout out to French Clone (EmelineBP) for keeping me and my mad French skills accountable. Merci!

With Delphine on top of me, I am pretty much unable to move and totally at her mercy. And when she lowers her mouth to mine with a smile, I don't mind a single bit. She lays the gentlest of kisses on me, her soft lips barely touching mine. She goes to carefully rub the tip of her nose against mine and when her warm breath hits my mouth, a shiver runs down my spine.

Another kiss, this one with slightly more intent, but still soft, not allowing our tongues to meet.

"Je t'aime," she hums against my mouth before looking deep into my eyes and I can't help but smile. Now her hand comes up to my face and she lays feathery light touches on my forehead, playing with the baby hairs on my hairline. When she goes in for the next kiss, our tongues do meet. But their encounter is gentle, languid even. Totally unhurried, it's like she knows that we have all the time in the world. With every careful lick she lays on me, I relax a little more. Gone is the urgency I felt before, this is not foreplay meant to lead to the main event. This is the main event.

The next time her tongue dips into my mouth, I let out a content sigh and am awarded with her mouth forming a smile against my lips. Now interrupting her rhythm, her eyes meet mine again.

"I love you, Delphine." I know that I have said it plenty of times in the last hour or so, but she doesn't seem to grow tired of it just yet. Her smile grows even wider and she rests her forehead against mine in a gesture that has quickly become all ours. "You are so beautiful," I whisper and bring my hand to her cheek.

"Tes yeux ..." She starts, now moving her hand down to stroke my cheek with her thumb. "Every time our eyes meet, I lose myself in them." With her golden orbs looking right at me, my heart starts fluttering again.

"I wish you could feel how I feel when I look at you ..." I trail off, unable to put my emotions into better words.

"I do, mon amour, I do." Her words barely a whisper she goes in for another chaste kiss. When her soft lips leave my mouth, she scoots down and lays her head on my chest, right above my heart. I wrap her in my arms and notice how tired I am. Barely a minute passes and already I can feel my eyes grow heavier by the second.

"Cosima?" A quiet whisper.

"Yeah, babe?"

"Can you promise me something?"

"Anything." Anything I would promise her. Anything I would do for her.

"Promise me we will always talk. Promise we will never hold back with anything until it's too late."

"I promise."

She puts a light kiss on my chin before her head goes back to its resting place above my heart. Before we know it, sleep has overcome both of us.

* * *

 

It's a loud bang that wakes me from my slumber and I can feel Delphine stirring in my arms as well.

"What was that?" I can hear her whisper sleepily.

"I don't ... shoot!" I try sitting up and only succeed after the blonde lifts herself off my chest. Her eyes wide, she looks at me, awaiting an explanation.

"What's wrong, chérie?"

"Shoot, shoot, shoot! The boys are here already! We were supposed to sweep the barn ..." But my elaboration is cut short by a low voice booming below us.

"Yeah, there! Put it down over there!"

I can see Delphine's mouth forming a wide smile before she closes in to plant a gentle kiss on my lips.

"I guess we got a little distracted."

"Hmm," I murmur against her perfect lips and bring a hand to her golden curls. "Your hair," I start as I pull my mouth from hers, "is amazing. In case no one has told you that before."

"Quoi?" She looks at me with her big eyes and can't help but giggle.

"It's so soft and golden and curly and ... perfect. It is totally awesome."

The giggle turns into a hearty laughter as she takes my hand and squeezes it lightly.

"Merci, Cosima. No one has told me that before."

"Well, they must all have been too distracted by the gloriousness radiating off your head then." By now the blonde is toppled over laughing and I can't help but chuckle myself. "I am serious, Toast!"

When she sits back up, I can see her eyes watering and she barely manages to catch her breath enough to speak.

"Mon amour, are you drunk?" Another wave of laughter runs through her, shaking her whole body. 

"I guess I'm drunk on love ..." With that I put both of my hands on her face to pull her close. As our mouths meet to get another taste of each other, she wraps her arms around my neck. The way her breasts press against mine, my heart starts beating faster. But I know that we are already far behind in our chores for today and as much as I enjoy spending some quality time with my girlfriend – _girlfriend?_

I pull away and look at her golden eyes intently, while her head is leaned to the side inquiringly.

"Delphine," I take both of her hands in mine, "do you want to be my girlfriend?"

Her mouth splits open immediately to reveal a smile that is all teeth.

"I kind of thought I already was. So I guess the answer is ... yes?" Another bright smile and my heart jumps with joy.

"Like officially? Hold your hand, fall asleep on you on the couch, kiss you in public official?"

"Oui, mon amour." She whispers into my ear as she closes in to plant a soft kiss on my ear. "You can kiss me whenever you want."

I turn my head towards her to nip at her jaw.

"Ditto. Obvs." This time the laughter running through her infects me as well and we melt into each other's arms.

"As much as I would just want to stay like this for the rest of the day, we should probably at least go help the boys down there."

"Oui, I think so too." She nods and is quick to stand up in a swift motion, pulling me up with her.

As we reach the railing of the gallery, we can see hurried motion underneath. The barn is swept and I have to admit to feeling a little guilty about someone else having to do our work. But thinking about how we actually spent the time instead helps with the guilt tremendously and brings another smile to my face.

Phoenix is there as well as Donnie, Art, and Alison. They are in the middle of putting up the stage, connecting metal rods and covering the substructure with sturdy wooden planks.

"Oi! Lovebirds!"

Now looking into the other direction, I can see Sarah standing by the entrance of the barn, looking right at us.

"There you are! We were worried you two had gotten," an oh so typical Sarah smirk appears on her face, " ... lost. Or something like that." Now the smirk grows into an all out grin and with a glance to my side I can see that Delphine turning red like a fire hydrant.

"I guess we weren't really trying to be sneaky." I whisper before I plant a kiss on her ear.

I pinch her butt which draws a high pitched "Cosima!" from her and we make our way down the ladder. Delphine's hand finds mine immediately as we start into Sarah's direction.

Only now do I see that really everyone is here. While Phoenix' team is working on the stage, Scott, Ferdinand, Aynsley, and Angie are unloading tables from a large truck. Well, Ferdinand and Angie are unloading, while Scott is trying to help them navigate the tiny space of the truck's bed and Aynsley is trying to feed a stray sheep with a bunch of grass. The sheep looks pretty unimpressed.

"You got done just in time," Sarah starts and as I see the beautiful blonde beside my blush furiously again, I let out a sound of protest. "We could use some more hands ..."

Just now do I see a second truck arriving and Paul and Beth jump out just as it comes to a halt. It is packed with chairs matching the tables that are being unloaded right next to us.

"If we leave it to those two," Sarah goes, pointing her thumb over her shoulder at Beth and Paul, "we will all be sitting on the floor tomorrow. They just cannot keep their hands off each other, it's pretty disgusting. Just like two other people I know!"

Her mischievous grin is clearly directed at us and just as I am about to reply, Delphine pulls me in for a quick kiss.

"Ew! Alright, alright!"

When she pulls back, I can see a sparkle in her eyes that makes my knees grow weak.

Just as Sarah is about to say something else, Mrs. S. appears behind one of the trucks. Stepping closer, she is quick to notice Delphine's and my intertwined fingers and I can see one of her eyebrows shooting up questioningly as she focuses first on the blonde, then on me.

"I need another set of hands up front to help me with the banners."

S. looks back and forth between Sarah, Delphine, and myself and is obviously waiting for someone to volunteer.

"We are actually pretty understaffed as well ..." But Sarah's protest is just met with a shrug.

"If no one finds this place, all these tables and chairs will do us no good. Delphine," S. continues as I squeeze the blonde's hand tighter. "You can't do any lifting anyways, why don't you give me a hand?" A sound of disapproval leaves my mouth. I realize how unreasonable I am being, but parting ways with my girlfriend is the last thing I want to do right now, even if it's just for a couple of hours.

Delphine notices my disapproval and squeezes my hand reassuringly.

"Of course. I would be happy to give you a hand, Siobhan."

Mrs. S. nods and turns, waiting for the blonde to join her to make their way back to the house. But before Delphine does that, she puts her hands on my cheek and pulls me in for a deep kiss. I wrap my arms around her waist and can't help but sigh against her mouth. Her soft lips part just enough to give me another taste of her sweet tongue. I can faintly hear people whistling at us, but all I can concentrate on is that delicious mouth on mine. Another languid stroke against my tongue and she pulls back, leaving me wanting more.

Leaning her forehead against mine, I can hear her whisper quietly.

"It's just a couple of hours. We'll be back together in no time." I nod against her, every other form of articulation has evaded me momentarily. "Je t'aime, mon amour."

I can feel my cheeks move, I'm pretty sure I am grinning like a fool.

"I love you, too."

Another peck on my lips and a smile – so wide, so bright, so heart wrenching – and she is gone, walking back to the main house with long strides, Mrs. S. right next to her. I miss her hand in mine already.

"Dear God Cos, seriously?" Sarah has an exasperated look on her face. "You'll have her back faster than you can think, now stop making a face like S. just stole your puppy."

I turn to her but don't really know what to say, so I just shrug. The grimace on Sarah's face turns into a sympathetic smile as she puts an arm around my shoulder and squeezes me tightly.

It takes us the better part of an hour to put up all the tables and chairs around the perimeter of the barn, leaving space in the center to form a dance floor. Phoenix's team just got done putting up the speakers and is now in the middle of assembling the drum set.

I turn around to close the doors of the truck and bang my fist against it, giving Paul the sign to drive off. When I turn back around, there is a broad chest barely an inch from my face and I jump at the unexpected company.

"Dude!" Phoenix flashes me a bright smile. "You almost gave me a heart attack!" A hearty laugh rolls off his tongue and he shakes his head.

"The way you look at Miss French Goddess, I doubt I'm gonna be the one giving you the heart attack ... Ouch!" I swat at his arm faster then he is able to evade me, but I can't keep a grin from forming on my face.

"Well, I'm gonna go grab a sandwich, wanna join?" At the mention of a sandwich, my stomach grumbles as if on cue. "I'll take that as a yes." I stick my tongue out at him and as he turns around, I see the opportunity and jump on his back, quickly wrapping my legs around his waist.

"Jesus! Seriously Cos?" A giggle escapes me and I can hear a sound of defeat leave his mouth, as he moves his hands to hold on to my thighs and starts into the direction of the house. "Don't you think you're a little old for piggyback rides?"

"Did you just call me old?" I quickly swat at his shoulder again to get my point across, but I am only met with a deep chuckle. "Besides the fact, one can never be to old for piggyback rides."

I lean my head against his strong shoulders, and take a deep breath. After the whirlwind of the last 24 hours, it feels good to spend some time with P. again.

It doesn't take us more than three of four minutes to get to the main house and as Phoenix steps foot on the back porch, I jump off his back. He holds the door open for me as we step into the kitchen and the coolness suddenly enveloping us draws a content sigh from me.

"Yeah, me too," he starts while taking off his baseball hat and putting it on the doorknob. "The temperatures are freaking unbelievable."

I jump up to sit on the kitchen counter and Phoenix pulls a pitcher of iced tea out of the fridge, quickly filling two glasses and offering me one. I accept it gratefully and down half of the glass in one fluid motion.

With his back to me, he rummages around in the fridge until he apparently finds what he is looking for. When he turns around with a grin on his face, I can see that he is holding a block of our self-produced English-style cheddar in his hand.

"Grilled cheese?"

"Oh, definitely!" Now that he has suggested it, I can't think of anything else I'd rather have right now. He quickly sets to work, pulling out a large skillet and buttering both sides of four slices of toast. In assembling the sandwiches, he puts thick slices of cheese in between the slices of bread and turning the burner to low, he presses them into the skillet.

As I see him working, my thoughts go back to Delphine and how skinny she seems to be. I make a resolution to bring her and S. a snack later on as well … Delphine. Delphine. Delphine. I mentally role her name around on my tongue and a smile splits my face. Delphine, my girlfriend.

When I refocus my attention to the here and now, I can see Phoenix leaning against the counter right across from me, arms crossed over his chest. His head leaned to the side, he has a smile on his face.

"You say her name a lot."

I blush furiously at the revelation that my thoughts might not have been as quiet as I thought, but the smile doesn't leave my face.

"I ... I am ..." How do I even find the words to describe how I feel towards her? In love? Addicted? Infatuated?

"Head over heels," he suggests and I nod approvingly.

"Yes," I look right into his eyes, "head over heels."

I try to read his gaze, try to decipher his thoughts, but to no avail.

"I am really happy for you," he starts, but I can sense the hesitation in his voice.

"But?" I ask, trying not to sound too accusing.

He doesn't answer for a couple of seconds and I can feel frustration building in my chest.

"No but. I am happy for you. And I am happy for her, too. I just hope you guys will be able to work things out when she leaves. I don't want you to get hurt again." I can see the pain in his eyes, half mine and half his. "After Shay ..."

"This," I cut him off, " ... us. This is the real deal, P. I can feel it. Never in my life have I felt like this, not even with Shay."

He nods and I can see that he really just wants to throw his arms around me in celebration of my newfound love. But I can also see the gears turning in his head. Shay turned away and it broke me. Delphine is already more to me than Shay ever was. If she left me ...

"It would kill you." His jaw clenched and his hands holding on to the counter behind him, knuckles turning white. It is not meant as a lecture. It is but a simple fact.

“Damn right. It would kill me. But I guess it's too late now anyways. All I can do is love her."

A nod, a slow smile.

"Maybe it's all you need to do," he goes as he lets me pull him into a warm embrace.


	14. Sanctuary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's almost almost Friday! Today is gonna be crazy so I thought I'd rather update too early than forget about it and do it too late. I hope you enjoy!  
> My eternal gratefulness once again goes to my wonderful beta ebroisbae.

"You don't approve of us."

It's not a question, it's a statement. It is written on Siobhan's face. The way her brows are knit, the way her lips are pressed together in a thin line.

"No, I don't."

That is it. No explanation, no further remark. I can feel a knot of anger forming in my stomach.

"Well, would you like to elaborate?"

Beating the last nail into the wooden sign, Siobhan drops the hammer to the ground and grabs her water bottle, taking a big gulp. Looking at me with her blue eyes, she is swishing the water around in her mouth, apparently thinking about what to say. Shaking her head, she finally decides on something.

"It has nothing to do with you."

Nothing to do with me? The knot in my stomach tightens and I can feel an icy calmness wrap itself around me. I was never one to scream and shout my anger into the world. I was always one to grow quiet. Grow dangerous.

She can see it in my eyes and does the last thing I expect as a reaction. She nods her head at me as if I had finally done something right.

"You are protective of her, that's good. But with her history, you just don't know ..."

"I do know," I cut her off. "She told me about Shay and how she left her. I know ..."

"No, you don't." By now her features are rigid as a rock and I can see the same need to protect in her eyes that I feel myself. "You do not know. You weren't here when Cosima couldn't sleep and wouldn't eat. You weren't here when she wouldn't leave her room, when she couldn't even get up, too exhausted from crying. You weren't here when she tried drowning herself in that little lake you two lovebirds ventured off to last night."

My heart breaks for her, for my love whose bright soul had to endure so much.

"I love her like I've never loved anyone." With my jaw clenched, I have to fight back tears.

"I believe you, Delphine. But four weeks from now, you are going to turn your back on this place and go back to your life. Four weeks from now you are going to break her heart and she'll be alone again, left to pick up the pieces."

"I won't ..."

"What? You won't leave?"

Piercing eyes look right into my soul and I hesitate. Will I not leave? I have to leave, have to get back to work, have to finish my dissertation. But that doesn't mean ...

"Yeah, I thought so."

With that she grabs her tools and starts back into the direction of the main house, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

* * *

 

I can feel two arms wrap themselves around my torso from behind and a second later there is a purr in my ear.

"Bonjouuuuur Dr. Cormier ..."

A kiss on my neck and with a swift motion Cosima jumps over the short wall I am sitting on. Settling between my legs, she puts a warm kiss on me while I intertwine my fingers behind her back.

When she pulls back, I tug her closer and squeeze her tight, enjoying the way her body melts into mine. Resting my head on her shoulder, I don't have the slightest intention to let go of her again.

But I can feel her body stiffen against me and a second later her eyes that seem more green than hazel in this moment look right into mine.

"What's wrong?"

Her brows furrowed, I can see concern written all over her face. Talking. It is easier said than done.

"Just say it, babe."

Locking my legs behind her back, my fingers find her hands that are resting on my thighs.

"It's just when I ..." When I what? Leave? Just a handful of hours ago I promised Cosima that I would never leave her and I meant it. Biting my bottom lip I just look at her, hoping that somehow she understands without me having to say it.

"When you leave?" A whisper. Something flashes through her eyes, but it's gone faster than I can figure out what it is. "Did Mrs. S. start you up on this?"

"I want to be with you," I blurt out, totally ignoring her question. "I don't want to leave." Now cupping her face with my hand, I stroke her cheek gently.

Moving in so her forehead rests against mine, she looks deep into my eyes.

"We'll talk about it. But not now, you only just got here. We have time. We'll figure something out. Just remember," she closes the distance between our mouths and presses her sweet lips to mine. "The only people that can come between us is us."

I mull her words over in my head. The only people that can come between us is us. A slow smile spreads on my face at the realization that it is true.

"This relationship can be whatever we want it to be," she adds with a sparkle in her eyes and her shy smile echoes mine. Her words leave no room for doubt.

"Je t'aime, Cosima."

When her tongue sneaks between her teeth, I can't resist to go in for a kiss.

"Ditto. Obvs," she whispers before our mouths collide.

I can feel her hands glide up and down my back until they finally settle on my spine, tracing the outline of every single one of my vertebrae. Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in my head.

"It was you!"

She pulls back and I can see the corner of her mouth twitching like she's suppressing a smile.

"I didn't do nothing!" A giggle runs through her as her façade falters and she hides her face in the crook of my neck again. The way her breath tickles my collarbone makes it really hard to concentrate.

"Happy Vertebrate Farms! It was you who came up with that name!"

I can feel her body shake against me. She is trying very hard to suppress her laugh which only results in her snorting right into my ear.

"Wow, mon amour," I start with a chuckle, "that was très sexy."

Another snort and then she can't take it anymore. Pulling back, she reveals tears rolling down her cheeks as she bursts into full-blown laughter and I can't help but join her. Laughing and laughing she topples over, holding on to my thighs to not lose her footing. It takes me a while to catch my breath. When I do, I inquire further.

"Sooo ...?"'

Still laughing, she stands up straight again and gives my thighs a firm squeeze,

"Well ... Long story short: I won a bet against S. Which resulted in me getting to choose the name of the farm. I wanted it to be science and quirky and to reflect the fact that we treat our animals with respect and care for them well."

"So you came up with 'Happy Vertebrate Farms'?" I ask her incredulously.

"Well, I might have been a little baked ... "

"Cosima!" A gasp leaves my mouth.

"And I might have ordered the huge ass name sign you see at the entrance of the property right that second, express delivery included. Imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day."

"Well I can't imagine Siobhan's surprise!"

A chuckle starts in her chest again and she pushes her glasses back up her nose with her middle finger.

"Oh, let me tell you! S. was not amused. But I won that bet fair and square and since the sign was already delivered we just stuck with it." The wink she gives me makes my heart beat faster. "I'm gonna get you sooo baked one day!"

I look into her sparkling eyes and wonder what it would feel like to do the same under the influence of THC. It is said to increase sensation after all.

"One day," I settle and am awarded with a huge grin and a kiss that knocks the air out of my lungs.

After a few minutes of tongues and teeth and Cosima massaging my butt with strong motions, she pulls back.

"As much as I would like to continue this," she starts and sneaks another peck onto my bruised lips, "I want to show you something. Are you up for it?"

"Oui, of course," I assure her with a smile.

"Plus I brought you lunch," she goes and hands me a brown paper bag I haven't even noticed before.

"You brought me lunch? Merci, Cosima" I kiss her cheek and her face splits into the widest grin. "What is it?"

"Well open it and take a look. And eat it!" Her cheeky remark is accompanied by her tongue that's sticking out between her teeth again.

As we make our way back to the house, I eat the best grilled cheese sandwich I have ever tasted.

"Délicieux! Which kind of cheese is this?"

"English-style cheddar," she replies as she grabs my free hand and intertwines our fingers. "Our very own production." I can hear the pride in her voice and melt a little inside.

When we get to the house a couple of minutes later, I don't know what Cosima's plans are. But she is pulling myself behind her determinedly. Down the hallway and up the stairs, we end up in front of a door I haven't been through before, on the opposite side of the hallway to where my room is located.

"Are you ready?" Cosima asks with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Oui?"

As she opens the door, we step into a large light-flooded room. White walls and yoga mats on wooden floors. No decorations, no distractions.

As she closes the door behind us, her voice turns into a whisper.

"Welcome to the sanctuary."

She grabs a couple of rolled-up towels off a shelf by the door and directs me to a pair of mats right by the open window. After spreading the towels over the rubbery material, we lay down side by side. With my back against the cool floor and a light breeze coming through the window, I already feel much better than in the heat outside. As I grab Cosima's hand, I can hear her let out a long sigh. Resting her head against the floor, she closes her eyes. Following her lead I do the same thing and soon drift off into half-sleep, snapping back into consciousness every once in a while only to feel my mind go blank again the second later.

I wake up to a finger repeatedly pushing on the tip of my nose.

"Cosima, what are you doing?"

I can hear her quiet giggle right next to my ear.

"Your nose is really elastic. It is quite fascinating."

Another giggle. As I turn my head towards her, she catches my mouth with her lips. Too lazy to really put any effort into the kiss, our lips graze against each other lightly and Cosima moves to caress my nose with hers.

"Tu es très belle," I whisper against her mouth and am surprised when I see a blush creep into her face. How can she fuck me out in the open for everyone to see without batting an eye and such a simple compliment will elicit that kind of reaction from her? Before I can question it, she pushes up to her elbow and lays her hand on my chest, right above my heart.

"Your heart is beating so fast ... " She closes her eyes as if to better feel the steady thumping of my heart against her hand. "Relax," she whispers.

I try to relax. But concentrating on Cosima's hand and on how close she is causes my heart to beat faster instead of slower with every passing second.

"What is it, are you okay?" I look up to the brunette that's hovering over me and notice how her eyebrows are furrowed.

"It's just you."

"Me?" Tongue between her teeth I realize that that perfect mouth is gonna be the death of me. "But I'm not even naked ... yet." Now she wiggles her eyebrows at me and I can't help but giggle at her cockiness.

"Yet? You plan on getting naked anytime soon, mon amour?"

Her hand moves from my chest to my face as she traces my nose with her index finger, moving up and then down again.

"That depends on your definition of soon. Would you like me to get naked?"

I am very well aware of the terrain we are entering, but I still don't hesitate.

"Oui, I would like that." I take the hand that's caressing my nose and bring it to my mouth, kissing every single knuckle. The smile on Cosima's lips makes my heart skip a beat. She leans in to kiss me, but just before our lips connect, a loud bang sounds downstairs, reminding us that we are anything but alone in this house.

She moves back an inch and leaves out a long sigh. A moment later she stands up.

"Take off your shirt and lay on your stomach."

"Quoi? I thought you were the one getting naked ... "

"Take off your shirt and lay on your stomach," she repeats with a warm smile as she moves back to the shelf on the wall. I don't know what the cheeky brunette is up to, but I don't hesitate to follow her wish. I rest my hand on my crossed arms and close my eyes, patiently awaiting whatever is coming. Next thing I know I feel a pressure against my behind as Cosima sits down on my butt, straddling me.

"May I?" She asks while clutching the latch of my bra.

"Oui," I whisper and she has my bra opened and the straps pushed off my shoulders faster than I can think. I can hear her open a plastic container and a second later her warm hands are on my back, spreading an oily substance.

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

"Coconut oil," she goes, drawing circles against my shoulder blades. "Organic."

Seemingly satisfied with her work, her fingers find my neck and start to gently massage my tight muscles.

"Wow, you're tense. Try to relax, babe."

With Cosima's hands working their magic, moving from my neck down my spine to the back of my ribs and finally to my lower back, I can't help but relax. When she puts more pressure on the point above my hipbones, I can't help but let out a moan. Her touch is magic.

"Cosima, where did you learn to massage like that? You are very skilled."

"Ah, you know. Picked up something here and something there." Her weight shifts against me and now I can feel her mouth pressing a kiss against my ear. "Mostly just practice," she whispers.

As she increases the pressure on the area beneath my shoulder blades, a loud popping noise echoes through the room.

"Mon dieu, Cosima ... You have permission to practice on me any time you want."

I can feel her chuckle rather than hear it.

"Merci, Dr. Cormier. I intend to take full advantage of that permission."


	15. Space and Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday again! Happy OB day for you lucky people who get to watch it live #savedelphine! I'll have to wait till tomorrow ...  
> As always a massive shout out to my beta ebroisbae!

"Cheers!"

Bottles and glasses clink around the table as we begin dinner. I take a sip of red wine and am surprised of its pleasant taste. Being used to supple Bordeaux and Cabernets from France, I didn't have high expectations for this wine whose name I'd never heard of before, from _California_ no less.

Next to me Cosima sets down her glass and lays a hand between my shoulder blades as she inches in and sneaks a kiss on my cheek. Her actions remind me of the hours we spent in the sanctuary. The way she massaged my sore muscles. The way she trailed my spine with little kisses, igniting a fire inside me I've never felt before. The way I melted in her skilled hands. When we were called to dinner, I was aching for more, aching to finally lay _my_ hands on _her_.

The Irish Stew Siobhan has prepared is excellent, but it's not quite enough to keep my thoughts from drifting off to the way Cosima seems to sense my every need. They are only pulled back to the here and now when Siobhan starts hitting her spoon against her glass and the conversation around the table dies down. After clearing her throat, she speaks up.

"Hello everyone! I just want to thank you all for your work today, we managed to get done with all the preparations and are now ready for the big event tomorrow. It's time we talk a little more about the auction so you know what will be going on. Cosima?" Siobhan's gaze stops at the brunette beside me. "Do you want to do the honor and enlighten our recruits?"

Next to me Cosima takes another sip of wine and nods excitedly. "Totes!" For a second her eyes flicker to me mischievously, but she quickly regains her composure and addresses the group.

"You already know that farmers from neighboring properties will be bidding at the auction and that we use all proceeds to fund our rescue operations, right?" Nodding and sounds of agreement around the table. "Well, what you don't know is what will be auctioned off."

Only now do I realize that she is right. All of us have failed to ask the most interesting question. I haven't seen any tools or supplies that could be auctioned off. Maybe food grown on the farm? Or the famous cheese that is produced here? What else could other farmers want or need?

"What will be auctioned off," Cosima starts and intersperses a dramatic pause, "is you!" She spreads out her arms in front of her to encompass everyone sitting at the table, a huge grin on her face.

Across from me Beth starts chocking on her beer and Alison lets out an irritated "Excuse me?!" while the only thing I can do is stare at the brunette beside me, dumbfounded. 

"It's a tradition," Siobhan picks up again, "that we auction off our recruits to help on another farm for three days. We don't have much land to take care of and especially during harvest, our neighbors can use every pair of hands they can get. We have a great community of farmers here and in the past, the time spent working with new people has been a great experience for our recruits. The day after tomorrow will be your first day on your new jobs."

It seems like Siobhan's lengthy explanation has calmed minds around the table, after all it wouldn't be so bad to just work on a different farm for a little while to collect money ensuring that the rescue operations could continue. But looking at Cosima next to me who is facing the other way, flashing a bright smile in Phoenix' direction, my only thought is how I don't want to be separated from her for three long days. She seems to sense that something is wrong. When she turns back to me, her brows furrow and her hand finds mine immediately.

"I don't want to be away from you, Cosima." With past lovers, I would never have voiced a thought like that, I would never have confessed my weakness like that. But with Cosima I don't hesitate a second, with her I see that my weakness is my strength.

She brings her face close to mine and whispers so only I can hear. "Don't worry, Toast. Everything's under control, trust me." She gives me a wink before moving in for a chaste kiss. I'm not sure if it's her words or the way she shows her affection in front of all these people, but my heart that had begun pumping angrily at the thought of being away from her returns to a steady rhythm and I allow the worry to leave my mind.

After everyone is done eating, the sun is close to setting. Inching towards the horizon, she creates a beautiful color gradient. Awed by the shades of bright orange, passionate red, and soulful purple, I cannot avert my eyes and my hand finds Cosima's, intertwining our fingers effortlessly. But a sound in the distance draws my attention. A deep rumbling echoes through the air and reaches my eardrums. 

When I turn my head westwards I can see that there are dark clouds gathering over the horizon. Thick black structures are forming, growing farther into the sky with every passing second, impermeable, inescapable. Illuminated by the last rays of the sun, the clouds slowly change their configuration. As if guided by an invisible hand, they form a wall, rotating slowly. The supercell seems to grow even darker and in the quickly fading light of day, it becomes harder and harder to make out its shape in the distance. But when the first bolt of lightning angrily lashes out at the ground underneath, the reality of the looming storm cannot be doubted anymore. It's only a matter of time until its menacing grip reaches out and squeezes the light out of us.

"Don't worry," Cosima starts beside me, squeezing my hand tightly. "We get those sometimes. It's not even moving, it might never even get here."

Not able to avert my eyes from the looming bane, I pray to all the Gods I can think of that she's right, that somehow we will be able to evade that perfect storm.

"It's almost gone now," she whispers in my ear as the sun continues its motion towards the horizon. A heartbeat later, the last slither of the distant star disappears and the land is wrapped in quickly thickening darkness. My eyes move to the brunette's and my lips quickly find hers, laying a gentle but thorough kiss on her.

"Hmmm, Dr. Cormier ... " Her tongue enters my mouth, but I am quick to pull away, aware of the numerous sets of eyes on us.

"Cosima, I would welcome a little more privacy for our little ... explorations." My remark is met with a snicker and a moment later her tongue shoots out between her teeth.

"That I can do. Follow me." Pulling on my hand, she is quick to make her way through the kitchen, not minding the people standing around and chatting. A minute later we're down the corridor and up the stairs, standing in front of yet another door that is still unknown to me. When she opens it, we are greeted by a steep wooden ladder with a latch on top.

"After you, babe," Cosima goes as she pinches my butt and I can't help but let out a surprised yelp.

"Brat!" I hiss but start making my way up the ladder still. When I get to the top and fumble with the latch, I let out a frustrated sigh. "Why exactly did I have to go first?"

"Cause the view is so much better from down here," I hear beneath me and when I feel a sharp pain in my butt, I let out an irritated "Putain!" while Cosima just chuckles. "Did you just bite me!?"

"Maybe ... " She starts snickering again and I feel the same pain on my behind a second time.

"Cosima!"

I finally manage to open the latch and climb onto a platform. Cosima follows swiftly and I realize that we are actually standing on a level part of the roof, the only thing above us the now completely dark night sky. A yard to our right there is a nest of sorts. Several blankets laid on top of each other with a big pillow on one end. 

"Mademoiselle?" She gestures towards the blankets. When I jokingly pull my eyebrow up, she plops down first, sitting up and legs stretched before her. She holds her hands up to me, beckoning me to join her. That I do, but instead of sitting down beside her, I move down directly on top of her, straddling her lap.

"Hmm, Dr. Cor–" Before she can finish her cheeky remark, my lips crash against hers. My hands find the back of her head and finally I am the one in control. While my tongue explores her mouth once more, her hands move down my back and land on my butt, gently massaging the bruises she just caused with her canines. When I suck at her bottom lip, she lets out a strangled moan and I can feel her pelvis thrust up against me.

When her tongue meets mine the next time, I push her down onto the blanket, head resting on the fluffy pillow. After a few languid strokes, I move my mouth to gently suck on her pulse point and my hand finds her soft breast like it has done so a thousand times before. I squeeze it and try to find her nipple through the stiff material of her bra. When I finally do, she lets out another gasp.

"Oh God!" Her hands that have been entangled in my hair find my shoulders. "Shit ... " when my teeth nip the soft skin on her neck, a jolt goes through her. "Oh shit ... babe ... stop!" Her words reach my ears, but I only interpret them as encouragement. But when I twist her nipple, I can feel her push against my shoulders. "Holy watershed ... stop. Delphine, stop!"

My head shoots up in surprise and I try finding her eyes in the darkness. "Quoi?"

"Shit ... I cannot believe I am doing this," she goes as she pulls my head up to hers and lays a soft kiss on my lips. "Believe me, there is nothing I want more right now than your hands on my body." Another kiss, this time she allows the tip of her tongue into my mouth. "But if we keep going, we will miss your surprise."

The fact that she is not able to see it doesn't keep me from shooting up one of my eyebrows. "Surprise? Quelle surprise?" 

"The one I brought you up here for. It's something I'm really excited to show you, so ... " Her voice drifts off and she gently tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "What do you say we continue this a little later? We'd even have a proper bed." My eyes growing more accustomed to the sparse light emanating from the stars and the moon now make out the wiggle of Cosima's eyebrows and the mischievous grin on her face. I let out a sigh and press my lips to hers for one more time.

"Bon, I hope the surprise is worth it. But," I continue, my eyes locked on hers, "before the end of the night I will get you naked, Cosima Niehaus."

The corners of her mouth shoot up in a grin that is all teeth and my heart jumps at the sight.

"Deal," she whispers as she sneaks another kiss, before gently rolling me off of her.

Laying on my back, I look up at the sky and register how bright the stars seem to be shining tonight. "I've never seen a night sky like that."

I can hear some rustling, but Cosima is quick to answer. "Yeah, there is like zero light pollution here. Perfect conditions to do some star watching."

As I move my head to look at her, I can see a bottle of wine in her hands. Carefully putting it down, she grabs two glasses and a corkscrew from behind her.

The next half hour or so we spend looking at the stars. Limbs entangled with one another, sipping on the same delicious wine we already had at dinner. 

"Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the universe," she whispers after a while, almost as if she's afraid to break the peaceful silence of the night sky and wake a sleeping giant. Her head next to mine, her fingertips gently graze my arm. "When I think about how tiny we are compared to our planet Earth. How tiny Earth is compared to our solar system. How tiny our solar systems is compared to our galaxy. How tiny our galaxy is compared to the universe. With all those millions and billions and trillions of galaxies around us ... all we are is really a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a pin needle known as the Milky Way." Her eyes fixated on the sky, I move in to put a kiss on her cheek. "What are the odds," she starts again, "that in an enormous space like that with a number of worlds that is just unfathomable, you and I end up on the same speck of dust, in the same country, on the same roof together right this second?"

She turns her head towards me and my next kiss finds her lips.

"I don't know what the odds are, mon amour. But I am so very glad we beat them."

My hand finds her face to gently stroke her cheek and slowly a content smile forms on Cosima's face.

"I love you."

"Je t'aime aussi, mon amour."

We go back to looking at the sky and I point out different star constellations to the brunette who seems to be genuinely impressed by my knowledge of astronomy. Halfway through my lengthy explanation of how to spot the Orion constellation, I can hear a soft humming. When Cosima fishes her phone out of her pocket, I realize that it must have vibrated. Switching off the alarm, she puts it back in her pocket and turns to me.

"It's time for your surprise!" She whispers and her eyes widen excitedly. "Are you ready?"

I nod and she pulls me up into a sitting position.

"Can you see that huge tree over there?" She points into the distance and sure enough my eyes can make out a tree standing several yards taller than its companions. "Watch the sky above the tree. Look carefully."

After maybe half a minute of looking, I become impatient and turn my head towards my lover. "Cosima, what exactly am I looking for?"

"You'll recognize it when you see it babe. It can only be a couple more seconds, believe me."

She squeezes my hand reassuringly and I turn my gaze back to the dark night sky above the tree.

Next thing I know, she lets out an excited squeal and my eyes pick up a tiny pulsating light source that has just appeared on the horizon from behind the tree.

"Cosima, is that ... " The objects shines brightly and quickly makes its way across the sky, putting distance between itself and its point of origin on the horizon faster than I would have thought possible. This cannot be a plane, way to fast. It cannot be a meteor or an asteroid, in that case its light wouldn't pulsate in such a regular pattern. After going through all options in my mind, there is only one possible answer left. It must be ...

"The ISS," Cosima completes my thought.

I watch in awe as that man-made wonder of technology continues its path towards the zenith of the night sky, but the 'ohs' and 'ahs' I hear from Cosima's direction draw my gaze towards her. Head leaned back as far as possible, her mouth is agape and her eyes shine bright with excitement. My heart fills with joy at the sense of wonder on her face. I kiss her cheek and pull her back into a laying position with me. Cheek to cheek we watch the space station complete its way across the sky in silence until it finally disappears from view, just to start its next orbit around Mother Earth.

I let out a sigh, still not completely comprehending the scene which has just played in front of me.

"Cosima, that was ... " I am lost for words. How do I describe this profound experience we just shared? " ... wonderful," I settle. "Just wonderful. Thank you for showing me this."

Her tongue sneaks between her teeth before she moves in for a kiss, gently caressing my bottom lip.

"Thanks for being the nerd you are and being excited about this big old chunk of scrap metal flying through the sky," she responds after pulling back.

"Ma Chérie, had I known that you could see the space station during its fly-bys, I probably would have never gotten another night of sleep anymore, just spending every single minute on roofs and looking at the sky."

She chuckles as she puts her hand on my cheek, motioning me to turn towards her. Face to face and legs entangled, we rest our foreheads against each other.

"You know, with all the vastness of the universe and stuff," she whispers quietly, "I am so in awe at the things us humans can accomplish when we work together." I hum in agreement to have her continue her train of thought. "Alone we are nothing but a mere speck of dust. But together, together we can do great things. Together we can overcome barriers no human was ever meant to overcome. And every time I see the ISS up in the night sky, I am reminded that although we are small, we can still leave our mark, we can still light the way, we can still be a beacon in the dark."

"You are the brightest beacon I have ever seen, mon amour."

The next time our lips meet, it's neither chaste nor gentle, but full of intent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In case you didn't know, you can really watch the ISS during its fly-bys. Enter you location here (https://spotthestation.nasa.gov/sightings/) to find out when the space station will be visible for you.


	16. La Dalle Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday! Happy OB day, let's hope we'll finally get to see the puppy again!  
> So in this chapter, we will definitely earn our rating. So DO NOT read this at work, I repeat: DO NOT read this at work! I might have gotten a little carried away ... #sorrynotsorry  
> The title of the chapter is taken from a great song of the same name by LEJ ("La Dalle"). Modern French music by three ladies that are unbelievably talented. I suggest you check it out, it's awesome-sauce!  
> As always, big shout out to my lovely beta ebroisbae for beta-ing, talking about smut in the middle of the night, and all-around amazingness. Also, I want to thank French Clone for her help in conceptualising this chapter (as well as the next one). Thanks for pitching ideas, lessons in French dirty talk, and general life counselling (we both know that I need it, haha)!

The door falls shut behind us and I waste no time, immediately pressing the brunette against the solid wood. My lips find hers and my tongue enters her mouth hungrily. Grazing against her teeth and tangling with her tongue, I push my thigh between her legs. Her body jolts and I can hear her let out a loud moan. While my hands find her perfect breasts, she entangles hers with my hair. As my fingers squeeze her tightly, I feel blunt nails dig into my scalp. When my teeth find her earlobe, I hear her hiss right into my ear.

"Shit, Delphine!"

My hands make their way to her midriff and under her shirt, but every time my leg pushes against the apex of her thighs, she wiggles in my arms.

"Cosima, arrête!"

I trail the artery along her neck with nips and kisses and when I sink my teeth into her pulse point, I hear a loud gasp as her hips buck against me violently. My hands wander along her tight stomach, but she just won't stop moving, so I quickly scoop her up and settle her legs around my waist. The next time I press her against the door, she is totally under my control. A second later, my mouth is back on her and I'm dragging my tongue from her clavicle up to her ear. She stretches her neck and turns her head to the other side to allow more access. Her actions and the loud moans escaping her mouth pay evidence to the fact that she seems to be more than enjoying herself, a fact that encourages me even further.

Once again my hands are under her shirt and this time I tuck on it, pulling it over her head in a swift motion while supporting her ass with my other hand. When her shirt finally hits the ground, I am greeted by a red lace bra and if the ache between my legs was unbearable before, it is absolutely on fire now. I press my stomach against her pulsing heat and when my lips find hers again, I am the one who can't hold in a moan in response. I can feel her suck on my bottom lip when my hand finally makes its way under her bra, grazing against a rock hard nipple. While rolling the little nub between my fingers I start moving against her rhythmically, creating friction between our bodies.

The next time I sink my tongue into her mouth, I seem to press against her core just right as the brunette breaks our kiss and throws her head back to cry out just as I can feel her whole body twitching around me.

"Oh God! Delphine!"

Every muscle in her tiny body is flexed and by now her eyes are shut tightly. I latch onto her clavicle once again and continue my rolling. Only when I hear her breath grow more ragged every second do I realize that she's close to climaxing and both of us still have our pants on. _Oh well, full cycle ..._

As if on cue, Cosima whimpers quietly, now barely able to form a coherent sentence.

"Shit, babe ... "

The next time I pass at her, I twist my body so that my hipbone hits her just right and a high yelp escapes the brunette.

"I'm gonna come!"

Not stopping my motions I move up to nip on her jaw.

"Oui, je veux te voir jouir!" _I want to see you come._

As if on cue, she moves her mouth to find mine again. And with her sweet taste on my tongue, it only takes one, two more passes against her core and I can feel her come undone. Falling over the edge, her legs flex around me like she wants to squeeze every single ounce of air out of me, but I still do my best to keep up the rhythm, to guide her through her high. The sound she produces against my hungry mouth can only be described as a squeal and her blunt fingernails claw at my scalp in a way that makes me sure they will leave a mark. We continue like that for maybe a minute, me rolling against her and her voicing every single sound of pleasure that is in her repertoire, until her head falls back against the wood and I can feel her loosen her grip on me.

"Shit ... " She is heaving heavily, trying to get her breathing under control. I move in to nuzzle against her neck, peppering the sensitive area with light kisses.

"Where ... how ... " She's still lost for words and I can't keep my lips from forming a smile against her skin, proud of myself to have pleasured the petite brunette to the point of exhaustion.

"Holy shit babe, that was ... " Before she can complete her sentence, I catch her lips with mine once more. As her tongue enters my mouth, I can hear her chuckle against me quietly. But when I shift my weight against her, her chuckle turns into another moan and I break our kiss, wide smile on my face and one eyebrow raised.

"Ready for round two already?"

Her answer comes in a tight squeeze along my midriff and with her bottom lip between her teeth, she starts working on my shirt, pulling it over my head in one smooth motion and adding my bra to the pile on the floor a second later. My desire for her is evident and it only grows even further as I see her bring her thumb to her mouth. Closing her lips around it, she sucks on the short finger, closing her eyes and leaving out an outstretched moan that seems to resonate right between my legs. She pulls out her thumb with a _plop_ and moves her hand to my breast, caressing my nipple with her wet digit. Biting her lip she seems fascinated by the way I lean into her touch, by the way her hand creates goosebumps everywhere on my body.

The feeling is indescribable, a move so simple has me close my eyes and let out a whimper. Pressing my thighs against each other I wish her thumb was grazing against a different bundle of nerves. That imagery lets a moan roll off my lips that is neither quiet nor short anymore. When I open my eyes again, her magnetizing orbs are fixated on my face, seemingly drinking in the pleasure that is written across it, eyes glazed over.

"Comme ça? Ça te plaît de me regarder?" _Like that? You enjoy watching me?_

As a response, she squeezes my nipple tightly and my head falls back over the wave of pleasure emanating from her hands. Her weight shifts against me and before I can think about what she might be doing, I feel her lips closing over my other nipple. Her tongue hits me and as she starts sucking gently, it seems like I'm ripping apart at the seams.

Seeing as I can't hold her up any longer, I put her down, mouth still attached to my breast. As soon as her feet hit the ground, her hands go to my shorts, opening the button and the fly. Her short nails drag against the skin of my stomach until they find the hem of my panties and a shiver rolls down my spine. But instead of dipping below the elastic, her hand moves around my waist until she finds the small of my back, pressing me tightly against her. My stomach touches hers and her teeth nip at my nipple, her fingers make their way south. Just as I put my arms around Cosima's neck, her hand finds the round of my ass, squeezing the warm flesh.

I can feel her starting to roll her hips against my center and can't help but cry out.

"Cosima!"

At the sound she pulls back from my breast and after one more languid stroke of her tongue against my bruised nipple, she finds my lips with hers. Lost in a passionate kiss, I stumble backwards as she pushes against me, but I manage to catch myself quite quickly. With one swift movement she moves my shorts over my hips and they hit the floor. Another shove and the back of my legs hits the bed. I almost lose my balance, but manage to hold on to the petite frame against me and push right back.

"Delphine ... " Before she can finish her thought, I have her shorts and underwear moved down her tight legs. " ... bed!" I take half a step back and shimmy my panties down my legs. I look up and I can see her taking me in, bottom lip between her teeth. As soon as I stand up, she's on me, colliding into me, once again pushing me towards the bed. It's very tempting to just let her take the wheel, to lay back and let her have her way with me. But no.

With a hand on her ass I lift her and turn around so now she's the one against the bed. My other hand finds her breast while I thoroughly knead her strong ass and lean in to whisper in her ear.

"I'm far from done with you, mon amour. I want to take you from behind."

She gasps and loses her footing for a second and I take the opportunity to lay her down on the bed, covering her body with mine immediately. Her thigh comes up to press against me and I am so wet that I am slick against her leg. Moving my hips up and down, I enjoy the fire that is slowly building inside of me. But when Cosima latches onto my breasts again and tries to turn us over, I regain my composure and push her back into the mattress.

"I wasn't kidding, ma chérie." My hand moves down her body and I stroke against her clit a couple of times to make sure I get my point across. Her eyes roll back in her hand and she arches her back as a moan rolls off her tongue. Another stroke and I pull back, sitting back on my knees.

"Don't stop!" The groan is followed by a confused look when she registers that I have no intention to continue with her in that position.

"Turn around, Cosima."

With her bottom lip sucked between her teeth she sits up and goes in for an open-mouthed kiss that is all tongue, but is quick to pull back. Turning around, she lowers herself on all fours and presses her derrière against me, hitting me in just the right places.

"Brat!" I hiss and slap her ass lightly, drawing an excited squeal from the brunette in front of me. With both of my hands on her cheeks, I squeeze tightly and push forward, causing her to collapse onto the bed. As I lower myself on top of her, my core presses against her round ass deliciously. Resting my hands on either side of her frame, I keep the rest of my body hovering just an inch over her when I press a wet kiss on the side of her neck. Her hand finds the back of my head and presses my lips against her.

"Ah! Delphine!"

I can't resist dragging my tongue from the base of her neck to the point below her ear and the taste of her in my mouth, salty, sweaty Cosima, causes a moan to escape me. I return to the point between her neck and her shoulder, nibbling on it before closing my lips around the soft flesh and sucking it in. Cosima groans into the pillow and pushes her ass up against me. Somehow her tight muscles touch my clit and a shiver rolls down my spine. We stay like that for a couple of minutes. Me latched on to her neck, surely leaving a bruise that will be visible for days. Her moaning and groaning, pressing her ass into me as I start riding it, leaving a wet trail on her cheek.

With her moving against the ache between my legs, it becomes harder and harder to concentrate on what I'm doing. But when I'm satisfied with the work I've done on her neck, I move lower, trailing kisses to the point between her shoulder blades. Having to reposition, I settle on one of her thighs, continuing my repetitive motions. She bucks her ass into me again, this time into my stomach and for a brief second my nipples touch her smooth back, sending a jolt right through me. I gasp at the unexpected electricity such a mundane contact causes. Cosima doesn't notice, too lost in the sensation of my mouth on her back and my cunt on her leg. So I take matters into my own hand, lowering my body so that my nipples are barely touching her velvety skin. Dragging my hard nubs up and down her back, I continue to nip on her shoulder blades, unable to keep in breathy moans increasing in volume.

I can feel the pressure building slowly as Cosima under me grows more and more frustrated. Bucking her ass against me, then grinding down against the mattress, she seems utterly unsuccessful at creating any kind of friction.

"Babe, please!"

The desperation in her voice is evident, so I sit up and allow her to come up to all fours. I'm on her again in no time, nipping on the soft flesh that's covering her ribcage. 

"Oh God!"

Suddenly her whole back is covered in goosebumps and as I move my mouth to her spine, she bucks against me in protest.

"No, stay there, please ... "

My mouth forms a smile as I register her pleading tone. But I do as I'm told, going back to her ribcage and peppering it with wet and open-mouthed kisses, drawing long moans from the brunette under me. While her delicious ass is now backed into me again, it doesn't quite hit me as it did before. Able to regain my composure at least a little bit, I bring my hands to Cosima's stomach and I can feel her lean into my touch. I'm tempted to let them train down, to finally sink my digits into her wet heat, but instead I move them the other way, up towards her chest. When I reach her breasts, a gasp rolls off my tongue. Heavy in my palms, they fill my hands perfectly and the weight of the supple mounds of flesh sends another shiver down my spine.

I start squeezing them gently, massaging them in the same rhythm my tongue moves against her back. Lost in her long moans and light squeals, I forget about everything else around us. All I can feel is Cosima moving under me, her soft breasts in my hands, her sweet flesh against my tongue. Only when she bucks her ass against me again and lets out a sigh that sounds almost tortured, do I snap back into reality.

"Delphine, please ... " Her voice is breathy, she barely manages to get out a sentence that is not disrupted by a loud moan, " ... fuck me!" Another buck so violent that it almost throws me off of her. "I can't take it anymore, please!"

I don't know for how long I have been teasing her, but the desperation in her voice is clear.

"Tout ce que tu veux, mon amour." _Anything you want, my love._

With one last rub against her nipples, I move my hands lower, over her ribs and her tight stomach until I can feel a patch of hair under my fingers. But instead of moving down just a little further, I make my way to the side and down, reaching her inner thigh a second later. Rubbing against it, I want to extend this delicious foreplay just a couple more moments.

I sink my teeth into her back as my hand trails back up and without further hesitation, my middle finger lands on Cosima's clit that is already wet and swollen. She releases an almost inhuman moan and holds her body completely still, not wanting to risk that my hand moves away again. Slowly I put a little pressure on her nub and start stroking it gently.

"Comme ça?"

Her answer comes in a press against me, encouraging me to let my movements become more deliberate. My fingers work her relentlessly and I blow cold air against the wet skin of Cosima's back, only to let my tongue graze against her bruised skin again. Her head moved to the side, I can see that she has her eyes shut tightly while moan after moan rolls off her tongue. I sense her next wish before she can voice it and move my fingers farther down to her entrance where I find a pool of wetness that is unbelievable.

"Tu es si mouillée pour moi," I whisper against her back, "incroyable." _You are so wet for me, unbelievable._

I know that Cosima is more than ready for me, so when I push into her I do it with two fingers at once, curling them immediately against the rough spot on her front wall.

"Fuck!" She bucks into my hand and while it was my plan to fuck her slowly, she seems to have something else in mind. Now moving her hips rhythmically, she slaps her cunt against my hand, more forcefully every time. I insert a third finger and the brunette just keeps banging against me, her breathe becoming more hitched by the second. I can feel her muscles tense around my fingers and the way a shiver runs through her body I can tell that she is close.

Another lap against her back. "Je t'aime, mon amour. Je t'aime." When I sink my teeth into her flesh one last time, I bring my palm to her clit. One more groan, another thrust, another pass against her bundle of nerves and she falls. Crying out loudly, her walls clench against my digits rhythmically, milking them. She doesn't stop her motion and I do my best to keep up with her erratic movement, pounding into her, helping her ride out a high that seems to last minutes. When she finally collapses onto the bed, her whole body is shuddering from exhaustion.

I turn her onto her back before laying down on top of her and putting a chaste kiss on her lips. Still trying to catch her breath, anything else would be impossible in this moment. So I rest my head on the mattress next to hers. As she turns her head to face me, the look that is on her face can only be described as pure pleasure. Eyes glazed over, lazy smile on her lip, and little drops of sweat on her forehead, she is the one who brings our lips together for another kiss. This time our tongues meet, but she is quick to pull back, her demand for oxygen apparently not yet met completely.

I move a little closer to rest my forehead against hers and start stroking her cheek, gently drawing circles against her soft skin.

"You are so beautiful." It's not like I have never heard that before, plenty of people have told me time and time again. But hearing it from Cosima, my love, now pudding on my arms, makes my heart jump with joy. I give her a couple of minutes to regain her composure and to catch her breath, but I am not quite done with her yet. I move in, but instead of connecting our mouths in one more kiss, I catch her bottom lip between my teeth and bite down gently, pulling a squeal from the brunette.

"One more time," I whisper against her mouth and her eyebrows shoot up incredulously.

"Dr. Cormier, you are insatiable. I don't think I can go one more time." But the way her lips move into a smirk tells me that she's not quite convinced by her own remark.

"I'm sure you can," I purr and move my tongue to lick against her lips, "I want to taste you. Have you come in my mouth."

Her eyes already roll back at my description, so I am quick to move on top of her again, straddling her hips. Pressing myself against her pelvic bone, a moan escapes me before I press our lips together, in a moment my tongue is in her mouth, grazing against her teeth hungrily. Her hands find my breasts and a jolt goes through me as she twists my nipples. Quickly moving to her jaw, I trail her neck with kisses until I reach her full breasts and suck a nipple into my mouth. At that point she has to in turn let go of mine, so instead she grabs two handfuls of my hair and presses my face into her. Rolling the hard nub against my tongue, gently grazing it with my teeth, I can feel Cosima arch her back. But I know where my final destination is, so I quickly move south, dipping my tongue into her navel just once and then dragging the wet muscle over her lower abdomen.

When my nose hits her dark patch of curls, I breathe in deeply and my mouth starts watering instantly. And then there it is. Red and swollen, right in front of me, waiting to be consumed. Her folds are glistening from wetness, a clear evidence of her prior climax. I move lower and graze against her clit with my nose, before parting her folds and dragging my tongue through the whole length. Both of us moan in unison. Her taste on my tongue is unbelievable, sending shockwaves to my own heat. Lapping at her I want more, more of Cosima's come in my mouth. So I sink my tongue into her revering the sweet taste I am met with, thrusting and sucking and lapping until all remnants of her prior orgasms are gone and she's clean again. Not for long though, I think to myself as I move back up a little and my tongue touches her clit for the first time. With her hands entangled in my curls she is arching her back, moving her cunt against my face, beckoning me for more. I am happy to oblige, but when I notice that her head is thrown back and her eyes are closed, I stop my movements for a second.

"Cosima." My breath hits her sensitive nub and a moan rumbles through her as she lifts her head and her eyes meet mine, confused about why I'd stop right now.

"Look at me." My demand is met with a short nod, so I lower my lips again and close them around her clit, not breaking eye contact with my lover. I start sucking on it gently and her eyes roll back in her head just as a "Shit!" escapes from her lips. I release her clit with a _plop_ and wait for her to look at me again. Only when I see that her dark eyes are on mine again do I continue. It doesn't take much to have her lose her mind again. Sucking on her clit, now gently bringing down my teeth on it, I check every once in a while whether her gaze is still on me. The next time I release her nub, I part her slick folds with my tongue again and dip into her as far as I can reach. Another groan emanates from Cosima as I start thrusting into her. As if on cue she arches her back and starts moving her hips to meet my hungry mouth with every thrust. But my tongue grows tired to quickly, so I replace it with my fingers and move to her clit again. With every stroke and every thrust, the tension in her petit body increases. Putting my free hand in her tight stomach, I can feel the muscles flex underneath. She is close now and her head is thrown back again, but I let her be and instead demand something else from her.

"Say my name," I whisper against her cunt and when I hear my name roll off her tongue, my own sew practically starts pulsating.

"Oh God, Delphine!"

With one hand still entangled in my hair, her other hand finds mine resting on her stomach.

"Delphine!" Intertwining our fingers, she squeezes it tightly, almost to the point of being painful. But nothing is farther to me than stopping her, to the contrary.

"Oh fuck, Delphine!" I squeeze her hand back as I lap at her again and again and it's the next thrust deep into her pussy that makes her fall over the edge for the third time tonight.

"Delphine!" She screams my name as she comes all over me. With her twitching and clenching around me, I switch positions and replace my tongue on her clit with my finger, so I can once again collect all her juices in my mouth. I stop moving my fingers against her clit as she moves away an inch, but continue lapping against her happily.

"Holy ... " Her voice is so weak that I can barely make it out, " ... shit." When I lift my head, having completed my work against her pussy, her eyes meet mine and my lips form a wide smile.

"Hot, smart," she starts as I put one last kiss on her clit before crawling up her body, "French, amazing hair ... " One bite on the skin over her ribs before I reach her head and gaze into her eyes. "And now sex goddess?" A chuckle runs through me at the incredulous look on her face. "How are you even real?"

"Je ne sais pas," I whisper against her lips, "but I am."

"Clearly you are ... " she comments cockily as I lay my head on her chest. Her heartbeat is already returning to normal. Her hand finds my hair and starts stroking it gently and with the steady thumping against my ear I would be so tempted to fall asleep, were it not for the pulsing ache between my own legs that has been ignored for far two long. So before I know it, my hips start moving against Cosima. Her thighs, her hipbone, any way I can create any friction. She is quick to notice and I gladly let her roll us over, my back now against the mattress and her on top of me.

A mischievous grin on her face she lowers her head and starts nipping on my earlobe.

"Soooo, Dr. Cormier! How would you like it done today?" She pulls back and locks directly into my eyes, awaiting my response. Does she expect me to hesitate, to be shy about it? I am anything but.

"Hard," is the only answer I have for her and at that I can see the excitement in her eyes.

"How did I ever think you were shy?" She chuckles as she crashes her mouth into mine. Teeth colliding, tongues dancing, this time I am the one who runs out of breath.

"How do you ... " She starts inquiring, but I don't wait for her to complete her sentence.

"Do you have a ... "

"Of course I have one! Do you want me to ... "

"Oui." It's barely a whisper, but a whisper is everything Cosima needs. She quickly moves down my body, leaving a trail of kisses, and latches onto my right nipple, sucking hungrily. But after a couple of seconds I push on her shoulders, push her down my body. Enough foreplay.

A moment later I can feel cool air against my clit at she splits my folds with her hands and blows against the bundle of nerves. I put my legs on her shoulders and lock my feet behind her head, keeping it locked between my thighs. Cosima clearly is an expert at this, sucking on my nub until I think I'm going to explode any second, then moving away and sinking her strong muscle into me.

My hands find her dreads and pull on them roughly, which only seems to encourage her further. Now sinking her teeth into my clit, she makes me yell out loudly.

"Merde!"

I am already getting awfully close. It has only been two minutes, three at max, how is this possible? _Cosima_ is the answer that fires through my neurons. _Cosima_. I let my legs sink against the mattress again and push against her head. Understanding my signal, Cosima sits up and wiped her mouth on the back of her arm before jumping off the bed and opening a drawer of the nightstand. While she is rummaging through the drawer, I turn around and grab a pillow. Resting my chest on the pillow and wet cunt in the air, I must look pretty desperate. But I don't care about how I look. All I care about is the ache between my thighs and the small brunette who is now climbing back onto the bed.

Her fingers part me again as her tongue finds its way through my folds once more. Now putting both of her hands on my ass, positions myself behind me.

"Ready?"

"Oui!" Before the final sound even leaves my mouth, I can feel something thick press against me and part me, until it is buried deep inside of my pussy and I can't help but cry out at the sudden feeling of fullness.

"Ah, Cosima!" She starts moving against me slowly, deliberately, but I quickly start pushing against her, increasing the speed and the depth of her thrusts. Her hands find my hips and pull me against her forcefully until her pelvis hits the round of my ass and I can't hold in a scream.

"Oui, comme ça! Comme ça! N'arrête pas!" _Don't stop!_

"Don't you worry," she starts as she keeps pounding into me time and time again. "I won't stop until I make you come so hard ... " The tone of her voice, the roughness against my hips are driving me crazy and when she reaches around to caress my clit with two of her fingers, I can feel an orgasm build fast and strong.

"I'm gonna come!" I moan into the mattress and although I didn't think it was possible, Cosima's next thrusts into my dripping cunt are harder and harder and harder, until with a simple flick of my clit, the world explodes around me. I can see fireworks in front of my eyes and I realize that my mouth is open and I'm producing some kind of sound, but my neurons are not capable anymore of identifying it. I feel my muscles clench against the large toy and my whole body twitches involuntarily as Cosima continues her thrusts and motions against my clit. The pleasure emanating from the apex of my thighs runs through my body in waves and when I finally come down I'm not sure how much time has passed. Slowly Cosima moves back, pulling the toy out of me and leaving a bothersome emptiness.

My legs wobbly, I fall to the side. The world swims before my eyes, but in the corner of my eye I can see Cosima, taking off the harness and dropping it on the floor before joining me back on the bed. She spreads my legs and lowers her mouth to my sex. I am happy that she avoids my clit, anything more would just be too much right now. Instead I can feel her tongue move inside of me. After lapping and sucking at my entrance, she moves up my body and plants a wet kiss on me. I can taste myself on her tongue and was I not so thoroughly spent, I would start the next round already. But like this I only voice a content sigh as Cosima pulls back.

"Had I known that dessert would taste so good, I wouldn't have had so much dinner," she whispers and a wide grin splits her face.

"Brat!" I hiss as I slap her butt lightly. "You are incorrigible!"

"But that's what you love about me ... " Her lips meet mine again, but both of us are too exhausted to continue with our little game any longer. So with a last tug against my bottom lip, she shimmies back and switches off the light after dragging the blanket over us.

As if guided by an invisible hand, our bodies find each other. With her back pressed to my front and my arm around her waist I fall asleep, smile on my lips and heart full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where there is a Part 1, there will be a Part 2. So you guys know what you have to expect for next week's chapter!


	17. La Dalle Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, we are again. It's almost Friday, so time for an update! I hope to provide some relief from the mess that canon is right now with some fluffysmut and my sincerest hopes that tonight we shall finally have our favorite French Doctor grace our screens again!  
> As always a huge thank you to my beta ebroisbae for putting up with me and my hella weird writing schedules and a shout out to French Clone for her help in conceptualizing this chapter and in some other life-related changes. Couldn't have done it without you, buddy!  
> Now I am not immune to the Cophine anxiety OB has spread this past year and keeps dragging out. So I want to use this opportunity to thank some amazing FF writers who have helped me through the dark valleys of doubt. Those include but are not limited to Marta_TP, otp324B21, and HermioneSpencer. Please continue being awesome and keeping this ship afloat!  
> EDIT: OH MY GOD, HAVE YOU SEEN HER TWEET? SHE'S GONNA BE BACK!

Consciousness slowly drifts back to me and the first thing I notice is the mattress against my naked skin. The sun is bright against my still closed eyelids as I stretch, extending my limbs and flexing every muscle in my body. Reaching my right arm above my head, a sharp pain radiates through my back, emanating from a point right beneath my shoulder blade. As I remember the events of last night, the way Delphine had consumed me, a lazy smile appears on my lips.

Eyes still shut tightly, I let my arms wander across the mattress, looking for that head of golden curls, but only finding empty space instead. Reaching out again and stretching until my hands find the edge of the bed provides further evidence for my theory that the gorgeous French puppy is not in my bed anymore. With a groan of frustration I open my eyes, only to be met with my empty sheets and a verification of my hypothesis.

The sun bright in my face, I am about to bury my head in the pillow again when I hear the shower in the adjacent bathroom turn on and a smile creeps across my face. Only now do I realize that I am sticky as hell. Sticky in all the right places, but sticky nonetheless. It takes me a couple of moments to collect my limbs before I manage to get out of bed. Setting one foot down I pull on my other leg, but the way my foot is entangled with the sheets makes me stumble and almost fall over. I manage to catch myself against my dresser in the last second and with a wiggle of my leg I free my second foot.

When both of my feet are finally on the ground I turn around to look into the full length mirror and notice that I look like I was attacked by a wild animal.

"Well, I guess I was," I whisper to myself with a smug expression on my face. My whole body is covered in hickies. There is one on the inside of my thigh, one just under my navel, and one my ribcage. But the biggest one is right on my pulse point. Dark and purple it radiates a slight pain as I bring my fingers up to touch it while my other hand finds one of my nipples which is still slightly swollen and tender. A sigh escapes me just before I hear another rustling in the bathroom, remembering that the amazing woman who has marked me like that is currently naked in my shower.

After grabbing a water bottle off my dresser and taking a few big gulps, I make my way to the bathroom. The door is slightly ajar, so I manage to slip in unnoticed. I can see her immediately through the transparent shower curtain, standing in the bathtub with her back to me. Neck extended she seems to be enjoying the way the hot water is hitting her chest.

With two long strides I am at the bathtub and pulling back the shower curtain. The rustling of the plastic and the screeching of the metal is anything but quiet, but Delphine is either totally lost in thought or pretending not to notice. Only after I pull the curtain back into place and step behind her to reach around and place my hands on her tight stomach, does she turn her head to the side to meet my lips for a soft kiss.

"Bonjour, mon amour," she whispers and covers my hands with hers, pulling my arms tight around her and my body flush against her back, water enveloping me instantly.

"Mornin' Dr. Cormier." I place a kiss on her shoulder blade and hear her let out a content sigh. Resting my forehead against her back, I enjoy the warm water against my bruised skin and the way our bodies seem to melt into each other perfectly. We stay like that for a couple of minutes, her moving her thumbs against my knuckles and me leaning against her, feeling so comfortable that I almost fall back asleep. But suddenly I can feel her shift against me and a second later my cheek is resting against her shoulder and I am wrapped in her arms.

"Still tired?" A kiss on my temple before she starts stroking my head tenderly.

"Hmm," I start, but my answer grows into a long yawn instead. I can feel her chuckle beneath me before a second kiss graces my temple and she whispers in my ear.

"Pauvre petit chiot ... "

"You're the puppy," I reply as my hands make their way down her back to rest on her upper butt. Soon she starts humming a soft tune and I can't remember the last time I felt so secure in someone's arms. Totally content I would like nothing better than to stay like this for the rest of the day. Enveloped in her warm embrace, her naked body against mine, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. But today is the day of the auction and judging by the way the sun was shining right into my face when I woke up, it must be pretty late already. _The auction_. Thinking of it makes a smile creep across my face. Everything is planned out to the T.

"What are you smiling about, mon amour?"

"Nothin'," I start and turn my head and we are nose to nose. "I love you." Staring into her eyes like I did two days ago, I have to put up all the resistance I have not to get lost in her golden irises again. "Je t'aime aussi." She leans in for a tender kiss and I can't help but marvel at how soft her lips are.

Mirroring the smile that now appears on her face, I reach for the body wash and start lathering her back. Moving in big circles from her shoulders to her lower back and her butt, I make sure not to miss a spot. Soon she leans her head on my shoulder as her body presses against my hands, seeking all the contact it can get.

When I'm satisfied with my work on her back, I move my hands over her hips to her stomach. Massaging her tight midriff, I can feel her arms moving to my neck. With her mouth right against my ear I can hear her breathing grow more labored by the second and when my hand finally reach her perky breasts, her nipples are already hard and erect. As I squeeze them gently and roll her buds between my soapy fingers, I can feel her teeth against my earlobe and a husky chuckle escapes my mouth. My hands make their way back south and land on her inner thighs, caressing them gently and drawing a soft groan from the gorgeous blonde.

Now with my mouth against hers, I rinse the soap off her body and once again take the chance to let my hands roam. Her squeals of delight every time I pass one of her more sensitive spots make me grow bolder and soon I find my fingers grazing through the curls at the apex of her thighs. I can feel her kiss along my neck until she reaches my pulse point. Bruised as it is, it is super sensitive, but instead of latching onto it like she did last night, she just peppers it with the softest of kisses.

Pushing down, my fingers find her clit and start stroking it gently and a high yelp escapes her. She leans into me and her grip around my neck grows tighter.

"Cosima." How can one word from her make a jolt go through me? How can one word from her make me melt inside? How can she make me forget about everything else?

At my next move against her nub she twitches underneath me and moans into my ear, hot breath right against my neck. Now moving against me, she tries creating some more friction, but it doesn't seem to work like she wants it to. Groaning, she offers a suggestion.

"Bed?"

I shake my head as my mouth grows into a smirk. "I got a better idea."

I am met with a confused look when I pull my hand back and take a step to the side. With a turn of the faucet, the showerhead is off and the water flows into the bathtub itself. Closing the drain, the water starts collecting around our feet instantly and rises quickly.

When I look up again I am met with the sexiest lip bite I have ever seen and a sparkle in her eyes that makes my heart jump. In a totally good way.

"Dr. Cormier," I start as I step closer again to put my hands on her hips. "Would you like to take a bath with me?" I wiggle my eyebrows in a hopefully seductive way and a giggle comes from the blonde.

"Oui, j’aimerai bien." _Yes, I would love to._

As the water continues rising around our feet, she puts both of her hands on my face and pulls me in. Our lips connect and I am more than happy to meet her curious tongue with my own. We fall into a rhythm of languid strokes and I let my hands roam against her body, caressing every dip and every curve. Now nipping at my bottom lip, one of her hands finds the back of my head and softly pulls on my dreads, drawing a quiet moan from me. As my canines find her jaw and start teasing it, my right hand once again moves between her thighs. Met with an ever-growing amount of wetness, I continue my former quest. Circling her clit first, her soft groans and the way she moves against me make me forget about teasing very quickly.

Slowly, oh so slowly I start moving my fingers against her center. With every stroke I she leans into me more, until all her weight seems to be resting on my shoulders and her arms flex around my neck rhythmically. She is close to release and if I only continued my motions, I'd have her there in no time. What I would also have though is a flooded bathroom, so I have no other choice but to take a step back to turn off the water. A sound of disapproval leaves Delphine's mouth and one of her hands finds the wall to steady herself.

Now almost knee-deep in water, I gesture to her.

"After you, Dr. Cormier!" But instead of sitting down, she grabs my hand and pulls me towards herself. My sudden movement produces a wave and I can hear a splashing sound as water hits the floor.

"Non," she starts with a smile as she lets her tongue wander across my bottom lip. "After you."

I am more than happy to oblige and sink into the hot water. Head resting on the rim of the bathtub, I only have a couple of seconds to enjoy the exquisite view before the blonde lowers herself into the water. Straddling my hips, she leans in for another kiss. As her fingers start playing with the baby hairs on my forehead, my hands find her butt and I grab it gently. Her mouth wanders across my face as my hands wander across her body. A kiss on the cheek, one on the nose, before her lips are back on mine and she starts gently sucking on my tongue. In the meanwhile my hands have found her breasts and the feeling of her soft flesh in my palms makes my heart work overtime. Stroking and squeezing while she is working against my mouth, I can feel her hips start moving against me.

Slow circles first, then rhythmical thrusts against my pelvic bone, her legs squeezing my sides. I decide to support her in her endeavor and position one of my hands between us. A moan escapes her at the first touch and she sits up abruptly, splashing more water onto the ground. Seemingly having found a better angle, she starts grinding down against my fingers, eyes closed and head thrown back. All I can do is watch her, hypnotized by her movements.

Her perfect jawline, the way she stretches her neck. Her round shoulders and her prominent collar bones. But most of all her perfectly sized breasts. The way they bounce with each of her thrusts, nipples protruding and begging for attention.

I am torn, do I continue watching this eighth wonder of the world totally losing it and just enjoy the view? Or do I make use of my teeth that are currently just gnawing on my bottom lip? My decision is facilitated when at the next motion against me she opens her eyes to look right into mine.

"Cosima," she whispers and in a heartbeat my mouth is on her, sucking on her clavicle. Her arms wrap around my shoulders instantly, holding me in place. Continuing her motions, she alternates between gnawing on my earlobe and whispering French nothingnesses into my ear.

My lips move south and as they close around her nipple, I can hear her sucking in a labored breath. Caressing her bud with my tongue, I notice that her thrusts become faster and when I start sucking her breast tenderly, a _"Putain!"_ escapes her.

She stops her up and down movements and instead starts grinding back and forth against my fingers, softly moaning right into my ear. I press my free hand against her stomach and I can feel her flexing underneath. Now oh so close she pulls on my dreads and finds my mouth with hers. Our lips meet as she pins me against herself. Tongues entangled it just takes one more pass against me and I can feel her unravel. Moaning into my mouth and sucking on my tongue like it was her life support, it seems like all her muscles are flexing at once. Twitching, she tries to continue moving against me fingers, but she loses control over her body. So instead I move my fingers against her while she continues to be latched onto my lips.

Finally her twitching stops and she presses down against my hand, stopping its motions. Another stroke against my tongue and her teeth nip my bottom lip as she pulls away only to rest her forehead against mine, gazing right into my eyes. Breathless, she looks at me with what I can only describe as adoration in her eyes. One hand on my shoulder, one against my face she starts stroking my cheek softly and a wide smile splits her face.

"A good morning indeed," she starts as a giggle rolls off her tongue.

"Good?" I ask with my tongue now sticking out between my teeth.

"Well ... " she goes and tries winking at me. Tries, because she fails horribly, awkwardly closing both of her eyes instead of one until she wrinkles her nose in the most adorable way, until she bursts into a fit of giggles.

"A great morning," she reiterates and leans in for another soft peck.

"A great morning indeed." I kiss her back and with a swift motion I turn us around, splashing more water on the ground. _So worth it though_ , I think as I see the look of fake outrage on her face. Totally worth it.

 


	18. Renaissance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB 409 SPOILER
> 
> It's almost Friday again, finale day! AND WE ARE RENEWED, CLONE CLUB!  
> With all the tension in canon, I figured I'd just go with another chapter of fluffysmut. I sure hope we'll see some of that tonight as well, now we know that Delphine is alive we need a Cophine reunion!  
> Thank you to my ever awesome and supportive beta ebroisbae!

"Re-knee-sense!"

"Mon dieu, non! Renaissance!"

"That's exactly what I'm saying! Re-knee-sense!"

All I can do is shake my head at the American standing in front of me. His eyebrows drawn together in concentration he is clearly doing his best. Scruffing his beard with his right hand, he tries again.

"Re-knee-sense! Re-knee-sense, right!?" He looks at me with big eyes and a hopeful expression on his face. I try really hard to hold in a laugh at his horrible accent, but when he raises an eyebrow in question I can't help myself and topple over, my shrill laughter echoing through the living room.

"Really?" He tries to act offended, but as tears roll down my face and I'm barely able to get my breathing under control, his smirk grows into a grin. "That bad?"

My vision blurry and my whole body shaking from the chuckles bubbling up, I try to take a step to the side and almost all over. I am only held up by strong hands grabbing my arms and steadying me. Big smile on his face, he tries one last time.

"Re-knee-sense?" Twisting his lips in a very much unnatural way, his attempt is not better than the last ones.

"Oh Phoenix," I start, now finally standing tall again and only quiet chuckles leaving my mouth. "Non, I am sorry. But non."

"Alright." His hand goes to his head to pull off his hat and readjust it. "I guess I have other talents."

"Oui, you do." I step on my toes to give him a kiss on the cheek when a loud voice sounds from the kitchen.

"Babe! Baaaaabe! Food!"

I look around and see that all eyes are locked on me. Alison and Donnie who are sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace playing with Kira are looking up to me with mischief in their eyes. Felix and Siobhan who are standing by the windows are shooting a glance in my direction, the young Brit giving me a thumbs up and Siobhan raising an eyebrow. And with a smirk on her face Sarah, who is sitting on the sofa next to Art and Beth, comments cockily: "She ain't talking to me, blondie!"

My face gets really warm and with another look at Phoenix who is giving me a wink, I turn around and hurry into the kitchen.

"Cosima!" I look at her exasperatedly, but can't keep a straight face when I see the excitement in her eyes.

"What? Am I not allowed to claim my super smart and super hot and super awesome girlfriend in front of my family?" I can see a pout forming on her face and although I know that it is fake, I can't stand seeing her like that. So I am quick to step around the kitchen island and put my hand to her cheek.

"Of course you are," I whisper before I kiss her softly.

Resting her hands on my lower back she flashes me a smile. "Soooo, Toast. Do you know what I made us?"

I had noticed the smell as soon as I had stepped foot into the room, but Cosima had been too much of a distraction to comment on it. "Hmm ... Vanilla. And maple syrup. It smells delicious, mon amour." Just as I finish my sentence, my stomach starts grumbling loudly. I press my hand against my abs to stop the noise, but to no avail.

"Dr. Cormier, seems like you used up all your energy last night ... " she inches closer and sneaks another kiss as I blush violently.

"I guess I did." I move close to her ear and nip on her earlobe. "You are quite a handful."

Giggling she takes a step back and reaches for the oven mitts. Seeing that I stand right in front of the oven, I move to the other side of the kitchen island and lean on the counter, watching the brunette as she pulls a large dish out of the oven. With her tongue between her teeth, she places it on the counter in front of me. As I see what it holds, my lips form a smile and I bring a hand up to my mouth in surprise. Cosima steps around to me and rests a hand on my hip.

"French toast for my little French toast." She takes one of my hands off the counter and brings it to her lips, kissing every knuckle. I want to say something cheeky, counter her ridiculous nickname for me with something equally ridiculous. But when I feel my heart flutter, I kiss her softly instead.

"Merci, Cosima. They look amazing."

They taste amazing as well. Right out of the oven dish they are warm and crispy, sweet and with a full aroma of vanilla. I eat two of them before Cosima coaxes me into a third one and I watch with amazement, as she tops hers with a large dollop of butter and half a cup of maple syrup, ignoring my remarks of there probably being a lot of butter and syrup in the dish already. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," is the only thing she utters before scarfing down four pieces of toast.

Looking at her tiny frame I can't help but raise an eyebrow. "Cosima, how do you fit that much food into such a little body?"

"Practice," she explains, smiling at me. "Long and hard hours of practice."

* * *

 

"Cosimaaaa! Non!" The bikini-clad brunette ignores my protests as she splashes another wave of water at me.

"Delphiiiiine, come on! It's 90 freaking degrees! Get into the water!"

"It's cold!" All around us people are jumping into the lake and having water fights. Only I am standing here, knee deep in the water. Goosebumps all over my body that is barely covered by two small pieces of fabric, I have my arms crossed over my chest.

"I can see that," Cosima responds cheekily as she gets out of the water and steps close to me, resting her cold and wet hands on my hips, shooting an obvious glance towards my protruding nipples.

"Cosima!"

With her tongue between her teeth she take another step forward until our stomachs are touching, locking her arms behind my back.

"Delphiiiiine," she whispers as she leans in, kissing the tip of my nose and then pressing her cold cheek against mine. "Get into the water and I'll warm you up."

My breath hikes at the sound of her words and a dark crimson flushes my face. Wrapping her fingers around mine, she takes a step back. With our arms now extended between us, she pulls on mine lightly, beckoning me to join her with a crooked smile on her lips and a blush of her own.

My heart starts beating faster at the look on her face and gnawing on my lip I take a look around. Some of the others are laying in the shade and dozing off. But most of them are enjoying the coolness of the water, splashing around and having fun. Sarah, Felix, and Phoenix are talking vividly to each other, while Phoenix grabs Kira who has been teasing him all day long and lifts her above his head to playfully toss her into the water again. No one is paying attention to us. Another tug on my arms and my eyes go back to Cosima in front of me. Cosima, who looks utterly delicious in her paisley patterned bikini.

"S'il te plaît, Delphine." That short phrase in her awkward accent makes a shiver run down my spine. So I squeeze her hands and take a step forward, being rewarded with an excited smile. Dropping one of my hands Cosima moves towards the deeper part of the lake and pulls me behind her. The water is still cold and for every additional inch of my body it covers, a quiet gasp escapes my mouth, but I still follow my love. When she is in up to her breasts, she lowers herself into the water and I follow with a quick step, joining her and letting the coolness envelop me up to my neck.

Cosima pulls on my arm immediately, crashing our bodies into each other and producing a big splash in the process.

"Cosima!" I protest as I feel her hands on my legs, guiding them around her hips. Wrapping my arms around her neck, we are nose to nose and I can't resist to sneak a chaste kiss. Her hands against my back, pressing me firmly to her body, she breaks into a smile as soon as our lips part.

"I like it when you say my name," she whispers, her nose grazing against mine.

"Je sais, mon amour." I connect our lips again and bring my right hand to her cheek. I can feel her let out a gasp against my mouth as my cold palm touches her hot face and I take the opportunity of her lips opening to let my tongue roam. We fall into a lazy rhythm of heartfelt kisses and stolen whispers. Just when Cosima's hand finds the round of my butt, I trial mine under the surface of the water to cup her breast. The energy between us changes instantly and as she starts kneading my behind, I wrap my legs around her a little tighter.

Closing my eyes I rest my forehead against hers. Enjoying the way her hand is working my body, my hand now creeps under her bikini top and I roll her nipple between my fingers.

"Babe ... " Het hot breath on my lips and I inch closer again, ghosting a kiss on her soft mouth. Barely touching her lips I move back again just to go back in as a whine emanates from her throat. Another kiss and a tug on her bottom lip before I bring my free hand to her dreads. Pulling on them I have her extend her neck. A neck that I now pay very close attention to. Tracing her tendons with my nose I blow cold air over her wet skin, watching in fascination as goosebumps form right under my lips.

Now settling on the dark purple mark on her pulse point, a stifled moan rolls of her tongue. As I sink my teeth into the bruised flesh, I can feel her hand on my butt move under the fabric of my bikini and she digs her blunt nails into my tight glutes. Sucking on her neck, I pinch her nipple one last time before my hand wanders south in between our bodies. Trailing my fingers across her stomach it doesn't take long before I reach the hem of her bottoms and I don't hesitate a second to continue further down.

"Shit ... " She is louder than before and I look around us conspicuously to make sure that we still haven’t caught anyone's attention.

"Cosima," I whisper into her ear before tracing its outline with my tongue. "You have to be quiet. Can you do that?" She nods eagerly and a squeeze of my butt urges me to continue.

When I extend my middle finger to find her nub, she lets out another moan before burying her teeth into my shoulder. As I start stroking her lightly, she does the best she can to stay quiet. I return my own mouth to her neck while I circle her clit. Already I can feel her tense between my legs and the way she bites my shoulders becomes more painful than teasing. But telling her to stop is the last thing on my mind. So I continue, my working against her now becoming more purposeful.

Removing her mouth from my shoulder, I can hear her mumble against my ear.

"Delphine!"

My fingers continue working against her sensitive nub and she squeezes my butt with all her might as she rapidly approaches release. I increase my speed against her center and press a kiss to her ear, whispering quietly. "Come. Come."

And she does. Sinking her teeth back into my shoulder, she doesn't produce a single sound. But I can feel her every muscle tense, I can feel her twitching beneath my busy fingers. I only start slowing down when she lifts her head and drags in a deep breath.

"Holy shit." Still out of breath she turns to look at me. "I thought I was supposed to be the one to warm you up."

"You did," I whisper against her mouth before our tongues meet again. Slowly removing my hand from between our bodies, I grab her face and hold her tight. The taste of her on my tongue makes a shiver run down my spine and when I suggest to go lay down in the sun to dry she is quick to agree.

Hand in hand we make our way out of the water towards our towels, close to the others but still far away enough to talk without being listened to. Settling down, Cosima opens her arms and I join, happily resting my head on her shoulder. Gazing up into the sky all we can see is blue, reaching into infinity.

Infinity. That's exactly the amount of time I want to spend with the brunette. It has been at the back of my mind. There, always there, but now is the first time I realize it. I want to hold her hand at the grocery store and to pick her up from nights out with her friends. I want to cook her dinner and watch her work. I want to see her grow and to catch her fall. I want a house and a garden and a minivan. I want booster seats and sticky hands and getting up in the middle of the night. I want a little puppy and a delighted squeal. I want a home with Cosima. I want to be her home.

Turning my head towards her I can see that she is watching me, eyebrow raised. For a second my eyes flicker to the sky behind her and the looming thunderstorm that has moved towards us significantly since last night. But I am quick to ignore that sign of doom and focus on the beautiful eyes in front of me again. How do I tell her? Do I tell her now?

"Je t'aime," I settle and my heart warms at the smile her lips form.

"Ditto," she whispers. "Obvs."

I reach for her face and lightly trace her cheek with my index finger.

"I know you said we didn't have to talk about it now." A small nod from her encourages me to go on. "But I want to talk about it. About what we'll do when my time is up here."

"What we'll do?" I can hear a sliver of insecurity in her voice, but I am quick to halt it with a kiss.

"Oui. I don't know what your plans are and honestly I don't know what mine are either anymore. All I know is that I want to be with you."

Mouth agape it takes her a couple of seconds to get her facial expressions under control again. Suspense, surprise, disbelief, happiness. Radiating from her eyes there is no way she can hide it.

"I want to be with you, too." Happiness, happiness, it creeps from her into me, into us. Connecting us. _Home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week the actual plot shall continue ...


	19. The Perfect Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OB 410 SPOILERS!
> 
> Early update! So guys, since I'll be packing my bags tomorrow for a trip to the land of Masbro and Justin Trudeau, I thought I'd rather update early than forget about it and keep you waiting! I'll be sticking to my once a week updating schedule while I'm away. I can't promise it's always gonna be on almost Friday though, but I'll do my best!  
> So now that COPHINE IS FINALLY REUNITED (fuck yeah!), I figured we could return from the land of fluffysmut and continue with the plot. Buckle up, folks!  
> As always, huge thank you to my amazing beta ebroisbae! And shout out to French Clone for correcting my French once again!

It could have been the start. It should have been the start.

Laying by the lake, we had looked into each other's eyes. She had told me she wanted to be with me. And I had believed her. Sticking her tongue between her teeth she had touched our noses, sending a shiver down my spine. Starting a fire in my heart. Making me look forward to the future for the first time in a long time.

When it had started raining and everyone else had packed their things up in a hurry to run back towards the house, the two of us had stayed behind. Laying in each other's arms, the warm summer rain had hit our faces, but it had not succeeded in washing away our smiles. It had taken at least another hour before we had decided to make our way back.

"It's getting kinda late," Cosima had said, blinking rainwater out of her eyes. "Maybe we should head back. The barbecue starts in two hours and we should probably take another shower." With her wiggling her eyebrows at me suggestively, I had not been able to stop myself from giggling like a little girl. And right there with Cosima I had not minded sounding like a little girl.

"Come on, mademoiselle," she had said, standing up first and offering me a hand, pulling me to my feet.

Fingers intertwined we had started strolling towards the main house. Walking in comfortable silence, our looks and little touches had said more than a thousand words would have been able to. But about halfway there our little touches had not been enough for me anymore. Halting abruptly, I had whipped Cosima around, capturing her lips in one swift movement.

"Mienne. Mienne." Mine. _Mine_. "Cosima," I had mumbled against her lips before laying a soft kiss onto the corner of her mouth. "Tu es mienne." _You are mine_. "Et je suis tienne. Je te promets." _And I am yours. I promise_.

Putting both of my hands on her face I had held her tightly. Surprised by the intensity of my kiss, she had simply put her hands on my hips before mirroring my position and entangling her fingers in my soaking wet hair. Standing there in the pouring rain our tongues had met. Languid and lazy, we had thought we had all the time in the world.

When our lips had finally parted, it had been Cosima who had guided our foreheads to each other, bobbing our noses together in an Eskimo kiss. Standing there, staring into her eyes with her glasses safely tucked away in her bag, I had imagined staring into those beautiful eyes every morning after waking up and every night before going to bed. Over every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. In sickness and in health. Filled with happy tears and tears of grief. I had realized then that as long as I would have those beautiful creations of nature, those hazel and green nebulas to stare into, nothing else would matter. And it had felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. Success, fame, money, none of it had mattered anymore. I had realized that to her I didn't need to prove myself. To her I just needed to be me. In that moment a single tear had escaped my eye and my voice had trembled in the best way possible. "Je t'aime," I had whispered before seeing the smile that had split her face, before feeling the way she had kissed the saltiness from my cheek.

Hand in hand we had stepped onto the porch and had entered the kitchen, not minding the obvious looks and hushed whispers the least. With a smile she had playfully shoved me into her room, slamming the door shut behind us audibly.

"Hellooo, Dr. Cormier," she had whispered in my ear before pulling my shirt over my head and sliding my shorts down my legs. It hadn't taken us long to get into the shower for the second time today. Embracing, it hadn't taken us long to lose the slight stiffness our walk in the rain had left us with. Smiling, it hadn't taken my hands long to find her breasts. Crying out, it hadn't taken her long to come after my fingers had gone lower.

"People are going to start arriving in half an hour," she had stated as we had been climbing out of the shower not too much later. "We should probably get dressed."

"What else did you have in mind, mon amour?" But my question had only been met with a cheeky chuckle before Cosima had stuck her tongue between her teeth.

Sauntering over to her closet she had grabbed a pair of underwear when I had noticed that my own had still been soaking wet.

"Merde, I think I have to go upstairs and grab some panties." Looking up at me she had had one of her legs in her underwear when a smile had split her face and she shimmied them down her legs again.

"Here," she had said, throwing the panties she had just been about to put on to me. "Wear those. They're gonna look hella hot on you." Spreading them in my hands I had realized for the first time that they were short boxer briefs. Medium gray with a white elastic band on top. With a raised eyebrow I had looked at Cosima. But the beaming in her eyes had put me into motion faster than I had thought possible and a few moments later Cosima's briefs were sitting snugly on my hips. Her own hips swaying she had walked towards me, raking me in from head to toe, but definitely paying close attention to the pair of underwear I had just put on.

"Mmmm, Dr. Cormier," she had purred after reaching me, her hands finding the round of my butt through the soft fabric and massaging it lightly. "This," she had closed the distance between us and had sucked my bottom lip between her teeth, "I like. I am looking forward to taking those panties off you again tonight." Releasing my lip with a pop, she had moved towards my ear to let out a barely audible whisper. "With my teeth."

My mouth had gone dry at the image in my mind. "Is that a threat?" I had questioned her.

"No. It's a promise."

* * *

When we had stepped outside a little later, the first people had already arrived. Sometime while we had been inside, the others had put up improvised tents to shield the booths from the rain that had intensified over the last hour. While Cosima had taken off towards the cheese booth, I had stood on the porch, eyes to the sky. It had taken almost 24 hours, but now the outer tails of the looming supercell had reached us, cloaking everything in a dull grey, shutting out the sunlight completely. At the thought of being cut off from that shining star we need so badly to survive, a slight panic had come over me. What if somehow that storm was never ending, what if somehow I'd never see the sun again? _Maybe I should have known._

But instead I had shaken off that feeling of impending doom and I had followed Cosima. Running through the rain I had joined her under the cheese tent, wrapping my arms around her from behind and pulling her back close to me, resting my head on her shoulder.

" ... so which one would you recommend?" She had finished her question directed at Sarah who had looked incredibly uncomfortable in her white apron standing behind the cheese counter.

"Well," Sarah had started, putting on a posh London accent. "I would recommend you our aged cheddar, you will find it exquisite. Because who doesn't like old cheese? Knucklehead." The last word she had added in her familiar Sarah accent and both her and the brunette in my arms had toppled over laughing.

The weather had been less than ideal, but nonetheless a large crowd of people had made their way here, supporting the cause. By the time everyone was fed and had assembled in the barn to kick off the auction, the sky had grown completely black and the storm outside had intensified.

Standing in the back with Cosima wrapped in my arms I had watched recruit after recruit going on stage and being auctioned off to the highest bidder. A handful of farmers had shown particular interest in acquiring helping hands and had raised their bidding marks into the air again and again.

"You're next," Cosima had whispered when Paul had stepped onto the stage and upon seeing my wide eyes she had reassured me with a quick kiss. "Don't worry babe, I got you." With a smile she had pulled me towards the stage and had given me a small push when it was my turn to go up.

Standing on the stage I had felt the bright lights on me hot and heavy and suddenly my face got warm and I was blushing furiously, drawing laughter from the crowd underneath and making me even more uncomfortable.

"This one," Phoenix, who had been moderating the auction, had started, "doesn't just speak French. She can work, too. The minimum bid is 200 dollars." Marks had gone up immediately. "Alright, here we go. We have 200 from number 7 ... 250, 300 ... 350 from number 3." A slight panic had started welling inside of me. I hadn't wanted to be away from Cosima, I hadn't wanted to be separated from her. And she had told me that I didn't have to worry, that she had things under control.

"400, 450, 500 ... 550 from number 7!" But looking at the crowd I had clearly been able to see that all the bidders were from neighboring farms, having won bids on other recruits as well.

"600 from number 5!" Out of the corner of my eye I had seen a movement and there she had been. That tiny frame I had grown to know so well, dark glasses on her nose, big grin on her face, arms crossed above her chest.

"We are at 600. Anyone else?" My heart had started beating furiously. Why wasn't she doing anything? Right then the highest bidder had been a gentleman wearing a cowboy hat who had already won the auctions on Aynsley and Alison.

"600. Going once ... Going twice ... " At the thought of spending the next three days with them instead of Cosima, I had broken out in sweat. Turning my eyes to the brunette again I had realized that she had been nowhere to be seen anymore.

"Going ... "

"Oi, Phoenix!" Felix had stumbled in front of the stage, waving one of his arms in the air while his other hand was holding a phone to his ear. "I have a bidder on the phone!"

"You have a bidder on the phone?" Phoenix had looked at him incredulously until Felix had nodded his head eagerly.

"Alright, we are at 600." A bidder on the phone? Someone I had never even seen bidding on me? I had liked the prospects of the following days less and less. I had stood there, just wishing that Cosima would come to my rescue. But instead she had just disappeared into thin air.

"Yes, yes, I've got it," Felix had been mumbling into the phone before turning his attention back to the stage. "I have a bid of 1000 dollars." At that moment my heart had dropped and a murmur had gone through the crowd with all present bidders lowering their marks instantly.

"1000 dollars?" Phoenix had asked again, seemingly too surprised at what he'd just heard.

"Yes. 1000 dollars." Standing there I had felt a drop of sweat running down my neck, just thinking about where Cosima was and how she could leave me there like that.

"Alright. 1000 dollars then. Going once ... going twice ... " No one else had been making a move and with that I had seen my fate sealed, working on some kind of farm for the next three days. Without Cosima, without anyone else I had grown to know. "Sold to the bidder on the phone!"

Stepping off the stage I had felt lightheaded. Cosima still hadn't reappeared and I hadn't known what was going on. Only after I had emptied two cups of water had I been able to think a little clearer again. Which had not helped at all in hiding my disappointment when I had finally made out the petite brunette, walking towards me from the other side of the barn. Swaying hips and a smile on her face, she had stood up on her tip toes when she had reached me, intent to greet me with a kiss. But instead I had taken a step back, looking at her sternly.

"Cosima! Where were you, you said you had things under control! I was bid of to some guy on the phone and you weren't here!"

An expression of shock had appeared on her face and with her eyes wide she had apologized profusely. "Oh shit! Babe, I'm so sorry! I was on the phone!"

"Could you not have found a better time for your phone call, Cosima? Now I'll be off to God knows where, working on some farm. Without you!" While I had been letting out my frustration at her, her expression of shock had become more neutral and the corner of her mouth had started twitching before her grimace had finally turned into a full blown smile.

"Cosima, are you serious?! What are you smiling about?" Exasperated, I had brought my hands to my head, going through my wild curls with my fingers and watching as the brunette had raised one hand, showing me the object she had been holding.

"I was on the phone," she had repeated, wiggling her phone in front of my eyes with a huge smile on her face.

"Cosima, I know that ... " And suddenly it had clicked in my head. Her sudden disappearance. Her total lack of concern when she had heard about how the auction had gone. Her lack of concern and her lack of surprise. "You were on the phone ... " I had repeated and soon I had been mirroring the smile that had been on her lips, stepping closer to her and bringing my hands to her shoulder.

"Yeah, I was on the phone," she had mumbled against my lips before our mouths had connected and we were laughing against each other in unison.

"Looks like you are mine for the next three days," she had stated with a glint in her eyes.

"Cosima," I had whispered, gazing deep into her eyes. "I am yours ... " Forever. That's what I had wanted to say. _Forever_. But instead I hadn't ended that phrase, I had just let it hang in the air. Had I somehow known?

Half an hour later the band had finally started playing. Siobhan on the drums, Sarah on the bass, and Phoenix on the guitar as well as being the lead singer.

The dance floor had filled quickly and it hadn't taken long before Cosima had grabbed my hand, dragging me into the middle of it. As soon as she had wrapped her arms around my neck, the first thunderbolt of the night had split the sky, illuminating the inside of the barn through the open windows and doors. Followed by roaring thunder not long after, the storm had finally reached our little enclave.

"Hi," Cosima had said as the next song had started playing, laying a soft kiss on my lips.

"Hi," I had repeated, pulling her even closer to me.

_'There's a still in the street outside your window, you're keeping secrets on your pillow.'_

Rubbing the sides of our noses together I had welcomed her tongue eagerly.

_'Let me inside, no cause for alarm, I promise tonight not to do no harm.'_

Grabbing a handful of dreads I had kept her lips tightly against me, enthralled by the taste of her tongue.

_'I promise you babe, I will do you no harm.'_

My free hand had guided one of hers, laying it on my chest, right against my heart beating furiously.

_'Watching your dress as you turn down the lights, I forget all about the storm outside.'_

"Do you feel that?" I had asked her, my eyes locked on hers.

_'Dark clouds roll their way over town, heartache and pain came a-pouring down like hail, sleet and rain, yeah. They're handing it out'_

"Yeah," she had whispered against me, nodding her head. "I feel it."

_'Lay your body down, lay your body down, lay your body down ... "_

"I love you, too." She had captured my lips again in a sweet kiss and I had done my best to let go of that unsettling feeling at the back of my head.

_'And tell the Devil that he can go back from where he came, his fiery arrows drew their bead in vain.'_

And I had succeeded. Letting go of it, I had just closed my eyes to drink her in. My love, my love.

_'And we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell, and we're searching for shelter.'_

Revering the taste of her tongue, the feeling of her body against mine. I should have done it harder. I should have paid more attention. I should have committed that moment into my memory with more intent.

_'Lay your body down, lay your body down, lay your body down ... next to mine.'_

I should have just stayed there like that, I should have just kept her locked in my arms. But instead I had pulled back. With a smile on my lips I had announced that I was thirsty, that we should get some drinks. And with a smile on her lips of her own, she had agreed.

Wrapping my hand around hers I had pulled her towards the improvised bar. Squishing through the mass of people, I had been glad when we had finally reached the end of the dance floor. I hadn't been worried when her hand had suddenly slipped out of mine. I hadn't bothered to even look. Surely she was just talking to someone, I had thought. Surely she would join me at the bar in a moment, wrapping her arms around me and biting my neck playfully.

So I had just gone on to the bar, opening two bottles of beer before turning around and looking back. Looking back just in the moment a frail frame had appeared out of nowhere, stumbling towards Cosima. My Cosima. Long blonde hair and blue eyes that must once have been shiny and bright, I had known who that person was instantly.

Two steps and another one until she had reached Cosima, collapsing in her arms. I had seen the horror in Cosima's eyes, her mouth agape in shock.

"I'm sick, Cosima," was the only thing the person had been able to whisper before passing out.

And now, seeing the scene in front of me, an icy fist has enveloped my heart. The expression on Cosima's face, the way tears are springing to her eyes as she lays the unconscious person down on the floor, shouting for help.

I can see it. I can see it. And as if it would change anything, I wish Cosima would just not look up to me. I wish she would not confirm my fears. But she does. And by the look she gives me before her eyes go back to the unconscious woman in front of her, I know.

It could have been the start. It should have been the start. But instead it was the end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got you, guys!  
> __________________________________________  
> Quoted song: Brandon Flowers – Crossfire


	20. Utter Destruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday again! Shout out to my beta ebroisbae for her continuing awesomeness!

All I can do is stand there, screaming inside. The EMTs are hooking the unconscious blonde up to an IV, are injecting a clear substance into her vein. All the while Cosima is kneeling next to her head. Tears running down her face she is stroking her cheek, whispering into her ear, kissing her temple. I remember the times she has done those things to me and start trembling.

My head knows that I've only been here for 48 hours. That I've only known her for 48 hours. That what I feel for her is utterly irrational. But my heart is aching for the love we had, for the life we had. For the life we could have had. For the life we should have had. All gone now ...

Seeing Cosima act like that, it's the first time in my life my heart is aching so much that it causes a physical pain. Red hot and flashing, it radiates from my chest. Paralyzing my lungs and constricting my throat, it feels like with every breath an ounce of life is being pressed out of me, until there's nothing left.

Suddenly the blonde opens her eyes again and Cosima lets out a yelp, eyes wide as a shy smile splits her face. And when she goes in, when she lifts the oxygen mask off the other woman's face and connects their lips in a chaste kiss, it is the final straw. Wishing I had just stayed in Baltimore, wishing I had just stayed in my world of emptiness, for then I would not feel this pain. I would not feel like this. Dead inside.

Now moving her onto a stretcher, the EMTs are taking her away, making their way outside to load her into the ambulance. Cosima stands up as well, about to follow them straight away before her eyes land on me. Pausing for a second, a million emotions run over her face until she gets herself under control, clenching her jaw tightly.

It's too late. She's gone. I know that she's gone. There's no use in trying anymore, my head knows that. But my heart, that poor rebellious muscle, still sees hope. _Try, just try_. _You have to try_. So I bridge the distance between us in two long strokes, stopping at an arm's length, a distance that seems utterly unnatural for us.

Seemingly unable to face me, she looks to the ground, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. I want to reach out, to intertwine my fingers with hers. To stroke her cheeks and to kiss her lips, to cradle her in my arms. But all that is in the past now.

"Cosima." At last she looks up, her eyes finding mine as a loud thunder roars. The same eyes I fell in love with the first time I saw them. The eyes I have gazed into through tears and laughter and ecstasy. So many things I want to say. _Don't go_. For one last time I try to drink her in. _Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime_. Her full lips, soft like feathers. _Soulmate_. Her straight nose, bruise gone completely. _You are my soulmate, what will I be without you?_ Her delicate brows. _Don't abandon me_. And again her eyes, her eyes, her eyes. _I can't do this alone anymore_. The hazel centers, arms reaching out into the outer green. So intricate, so magnificent, so perfect. _You have to try_.

"Please don't leave me." My voice is small, trembling, a barely audible whisper as a tear runs down my cheek. _Please don't leave me_. A strike of lightning illuminates her face in a bright white. Something in her expression changes. Her face – is that regret? Realization? For a second I have hope – maybe all is not lost? – before she looks down again, shaking her head lightly. Without a word she leaves, stepping outside of the barn into the pouring rain. She gets into the back of the ambulance, sitting down next to the blonde on the stretcher. The last thing I see before one of the EMTs closes the doors is Cosima reaching out for her hand.

I can feel tears welling up in my eyes as a sob escapes me and I drop the two bottles of beer I had still been holding in my left hand. _Soulmate_. The sobs now shaking my whole body, I bring up my hands to my face, hiding from the rest of the world. How could I be so stupid?

Somehow through the haze I hear fast steps approaching me from behind as a figure comes to a sliding halt right next to me. The look on Phoenix' face is an expression of pure horror as he looks from me to the lights of the ambulance disappearing in the distance and back to me again. He opens his mouth to say something, but he seems to be having troubles finding words, so he just closes it again before doing so.

Instead he reaches out and takes one of my hands from my face, pulling me towards him until I can hide my face in the crook of his neck. The second he wraps his arms around me, my legs give out under me and now there's no holding back. Wailing, shouting, trembling, he is the only thing holding me up. He knows that talking is no use, so he doesn't. Not even when I start hitting his chest in frustration. He just holds me a little tighter.

I don't know how long we stay like that. At some point I can feel Phoenix shift against me as he puts one arm behind my legs and lifts me up, cradling me in his arms. Resting my head against his shoulder I close my eyes. Not wanting to see anything at all anymore, not wanting to feel anything at all anymore.

Warm rain hits us as he steps out of the barn, making his way to the main house and away from the crowd.

His heart thumbing steadily against my ear, I imagine it was Cosima's. How after an extensive night of lovemaking I would rest my head on her naked chest, listening to her heartbeat. In our bed, in our apartment, in our home. Another sob escapes me forcefully. _Stop. You need to stop_.

But I can't stop another whimper from escaping me as the tears continue. Now Phoenix steps onto the back porch. Making his way through the kitchen into the living room he comes to a halt, apparently unsure of what to do with me. It takes a few seconds for him to make up his mind before he carries me down the corridor and up the stairs into my room, softly putting me on my feet as soon as we're inside. Shaking still, at least I do have my legs under control again, even if barely.

The look on his face is nothing but pity as he crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe, eying me worriedly. Meanwhile all I can think of is the look Cosima gave me before turning away. Trying to get that image out of my head, I close my eyes and bring my hands up, pressing against my eyelids. Willing the memory away. But it doesn't work. Of course not. Instead, it only makes matters worse, the image becoming more vivid in the dark. I can feel a silent tear run down my cheek and in this moment I make a decision.

I open my eyes and grab my suitcase that's standing beside the closet, throwing it onto the bed. With fast movements I start grabbing handfuls of clothes out of the closet to stuff them into the suitcase.

"What are you doing!?"  Phoenix asks with an alarmed expression on his face.

"I'm leaving."

"Right now?!"

I come to a halt to look at him. "There is nothing left for me here," I whisper defeatedly.

"Delphine ... " he steps closer and puts his hands on my shoulder.

"I am leaving!" Now I am shouting at him. Letting all the anger about Cosima, about myself being _so stupid_ , out at him. But where I get louder, he gets quieter.

"It's the middle of the night."

"I don't care!"

"You'd have to book a flight."

"I'll just go to the airport and take the next flight available," I respond as I throw another armful of clothes into my suitcase.

"And how exactly were you planning to get to the airport?"

I know that I am being irrational. No cab would pick me up here, in the middle of nowhere.

"Besides, the next flights will only be leaving tomorrow morning."

He's right of course. Still I shoot him a pleading look.

"I can't stay here," I squeak with my voice breaking again, wetness covering my cheeks once more.

"Okay. Okay." He nods slightly, acknowledging my wish. "Just stay the night. Get some rest. And in the morning I will personally drive you to the airport."

I consider his suggestion and finally I nod. “One more night.”

The corners of his lips turn up into a shy smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and disappears as fast as it came to be. Another pang echoes through my chest and I bring both of my hands up to my hair. I turn away and back again, stepping from one foot onto the other. Tears now flowing freely again, my vision becomes blurry as I continue pacing.

“Delphine … “ I know that his words are honest. That he sees what I am going through. But they do nothing to soothe me. My answer comes in a sob and once again he offers me his hand, allowing me to wet his shirt with tears once more.

“I-i-it-it hurts s-s-so m-m-much.” And I don’t know what to do about the pain. I don’t know how to deal with the agony. At home I would have made my way to the bathroom cabinet, swallowing two pills at once. Waiting for them to make me forget what feeling even means.

“I-I d-d-don’t-t k-know w-wh-what-t-t t-t-to d-do.”

“I know, I know … “ Pressing a kiss on my hair he keeps stroking my back in a calming manner. He holds me tight and it takes a couple of minutes before he clears his throat and I can hear his voice again.

“How about you take a shower and I see if I can find a bottle of Tequila?”

Since his suggestion sounds as good as anything else, I shrug slightly. “Okay.”

“Okay.” He looks at me with sad eyes and gives my shoulders a squeeze before he steps out of my room, closing the door behind him quietly.

What I need right now is for my brain to stop working. For it to stop remembering images or making up future ones. It just needs to stop. And sharing a bottle of Tequila seems like the next best thing to achieve that. So I stagger into the bathroom and get into the shower. But the ache that has by now radiated from my heart and engulfed my whole body is only made worse by the hot water. Pulsing, throbbing, I start seeing black and realize that I'm about to pass out.

With the last bit of coordination I have left, I manage to sit down and turn off the hot water. With my arms slung around my legs I rest my head on my knees, surrendering to the world. The water hitting me from above grows colder and colder until I feel like I'm sitting under a fountain of ice. I can feel it hitting my back, running down my front, freezing my scalp. And I notice something unexpected: After my heart rate has recovered from the initial shock, I realize that with every passing second my body grows number. Numb to the pain, numb to the heartache, numb to the agony. So I close my eyes and let go, finally satisfied by the way the sensation leaves my body.

* * *

"Delphine?" Knock, knock, knock.

Several seconds of silence.

"Delphine? Delphine!" BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

At the loud pounding at the door I snap back into consciousness.

"Delphine, are you alright?"

I have no idea for how long I have been sitting here, but the icy water is still raining on me. As I go to turn it off, I realize that my fingers are oddly numb.

BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

"DELPHINE!" I can hear him rattling at the door, trying to get in. Have I locked it?

"I'm okay," I try to say, but all that comes out is a hoarse croak. Clearing my throat I try again.

"I'm okay!"

The rattling stops and I can hear relief in his voice. "Okay, do you want to come out of there? I have the Tequila I promised you."

"Oui, I'll be out in a second!"

It takes all my strength to hoist my body up and step out of the shower. Realizing that I didn't bring any fresh clothes with me into the bathroom, I just wrap my towel around my body after drying myself off with clumsy hands. Staggering, I make my way to the door and unlock it. It swings open immediately and I am face to face with a very distressed pair of green eyes. Brows furrowed and jaw clenched, he audibly leaves out a breath he seems to have been holding.

"You had me worried there for a second," he elaborates. My mind doesn't quite understand his words, doesn't quite get what he's hinting at. But then he draws in a sharp breath and my attention is refocused to his mouth that is now forming a grimace.

"Your lips are blue ... " His hand reaches out to touch my shoulder and when he does, the look of alarm is right back on his face. "Shit, you are freezing! What happened?" 

His hands go to my cheeks and down my arms before he wraps me in a bear hug and starts rubbing my back, apparently trying to generate some heat.

"We have to warm you up."

All I do is stand here, apathetic, resting my head on his shoulder. After a couple of minutes he steps back, looking into my eyes inquisitively.

"You should put on some clothes," he says instead of the question that was clearly on his mind. I give him a small nod and watch him as he steps to the door. To my surprise, he doesn't exit though. He just settles at the door, back to me. Arms crossed over his chest he waits. So I go over to my suitcase. Already a little more steady on my feet I start fishing for clothes in the big heap I have just assembled before. I put on fresh underwear and choose a wide pair of jogging pants as well as the first shirt that falls into my hands, not paying attention at all.

"It's okay," I go as soon as I am dressed completely. Phoenix turns around and as his gaze falls on my shirt, his eyes widen instantly. Confused, I look down. White letters on a burgundy background. University of Minnesota. _Cosima_.

When I look up again, he has his arm outstretched. Bottle of Tequila in hand, already unscrewed. I accept it wordlessly.


	21. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because life is crazy and I don't want to forget to update tomorrow.  
> Thank you to to my beta ebroisbae for not hating me after reading this chapter.
> 
> I'm sorry.

I step through the door and the first thing I see are the shards of glass. Remnants of the bottle of bourbon I had kicked across the room – a week ago? Was it a week ago? Laughter bubbles up inside of me. A dry laughter, an exasperated laughter. It echoes through my apartment. I don't think I've ever heard anything sadder in my life than my high-pitched laughter bouncing off those lifeless walls.

What time is it? I don't remember. I just came in from outside and I don't even remember if it's night or day. It seemed utterly irrelevant. I step to the window, pull back the curtains, and stare into the pitch black. I'm confused. Is it night? How is it night? The subtle headache that has accompanied me for several hours abruptly turns into a throbbing pain right at the back of my head and I cringe. Something shifts and suddenly I feel like the walls are closing in on me. Like that night, last night. Because of her. Mon amour ... _No. Stop. You need to forget about her._

Forget about her ...

Forget about ... her.

Her.

I will my thoughts to stop. I look around and feel trapped. I stumble into the kitchen and open a cabinet, eyeing my options. Strawberry liquor, peach schnapps, tequila. At the thought of tequila, my stomach turns. As I reach for the schnapps, I catch sight of another bottle with a clear substance in it and grab that one instead. Vodka. Swirling the bottle in my hand, I estimate that there's maybe four or five ounces left. I twist it open and throw the cap into the trash, gulping down a third of it in one go. I grimace at the burning feeling it leaves as it travels down my throat and my headache intensifies. I can feel a vibration in my back pocket, but choose to ignore it for the moment. I bring the bottle to my lips again and take another swig. Swishing the liquid around in my mouth, I stagger into the bathroom. The sensation the alcohol leaves in my mouth is more than unpleasant. But the longer I can keep it there, coating my mucosa, the faster I am going to get drunk. And as of this second, that is my goal for the evening.

Turning on the lights in the bathroom, I reach into the cabinet looking for a familiar little bottle. When my hand finds it, it is suspiciously light and for a second I panic. Only after I hear a reassuring rattle does relief wash over me. I open it and empty the contents into my left hand. Three. _To hell with it,_ I think as I pop them into my mouth and wash them down with another swig of vodka.

Another buzzing in my back pocket and I grab my phone, all of a sudden having difficulties making out the letters on the screen.

11 missed calls.

**_Krystal (10:03 am)_ **

**_Krystal (11:47 am)_ **

**_Krystal (1:24 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (3:03 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (4:55 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (6:11 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (9:55 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (10:06 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (10:50 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (11:11 pm)_ **

**_Krystal (11:20 pm)_ **

Krystal? 11:20 ... checking the clock at the top of my screen tells me that that was only a minute ago. Now changing the screen, I see that she has left me at least 20 messages. Scrolling through, my head is too hazy to read all of them. So I just stop randomly, taking peeks.

 **10:04 am** – _Del, are you alright? What's happening? Is ..._

 **4:57 pm** – _Delphine, will you fucking call me back!? Do you even ..._

 **11:12 pm** – _Del, I know you must be home by now, why ..._

And just this second I see a new message coming in, realizing that she sees that I am active right now.

 **11:21 pm** – _Alright that's it, I'm coming over._

 _Merde_. Facing Krystal now is the last thing I want. Explaining to her ... What? _What?_ No, I need to forget. My headache seems to creep forward, now reaching the center of my head, making me clench my teeth. I need to get out of here. Need to forget about this fucking hole in my chest. Shutting my eyes tightly, I bring the bottle to my mouth once more, emptying it in another two gulps and leaving it behind in the bathroom as I make my way into the adjoining bedroom. The throbbing in my head continues, but at the same time I can feel a glowing warmth emanate from my stomach. Finally.

Shedding my clothes, I open my closet. Quickly settling on my shortest dress, black with a cleavage reaching my navel, I pull it over my head. Barely covering my ass, it is exactly what I need right now. Grabbing my black clutch, I try to decide on what else I need to bring with me. _Hurry, Krystal could be here any minute ..._ Keys, wallet, phone. Contemplating, I look into the full body mirror. My hair a mess, my eyes bloodshot. Merde. _Fuck it_. That dress will get you enough attention, no matter how your face looks.

Putting on some heels that make walking not exactly easier, I stagger to the front door. Hand already on the door knob, I come to an abrupt halt. Mulling it over in my head. Don't kid yourself. You have one reason for going out right now and one reason only. 

Stumbling back into the bedroom, I kneel in front of my nightstand and open the top drawer. Clumsy hands need several seconds to find a box of condoms. Taking out three of them, I realize they are expired. I stand up and for a second I am unsure of what to do. 01 Jan 2016. Expired. Krystal is going to be here any second. _Fuck it_. I put them into my purse and make my way out of the apartment as quickly as my unsteady legs allow it.

* * *

By the time I reach the club, I have forgotten about my headache and my heartache and about pretty much everything else as well. Thanks to the mix of alcohol and Vicodin coating the inside of my veins, I have lost all inhibitions. After another couple of shots from the bar, I join the crowd of moving bodies bumping and grinding. Hazy, numb, it doesn't take long before I make friends. One friend in particular. Bronze skin, sharp brown bob, full lips. Just a couple of inches shorter than me, I have no trouble catching her mouth with mine as she digs her blunt nails into my ass.

I can feel the vibrations of the bass resonating in every part of my body as I suck on her lips hungrily. Our hips gyrating, our breasts touching, it doesn't take long for the warmth that envelopes my whole body to turn into a heat that quickly settles in my stomach. I bite down forcefully and draw a surprised yelp from the woman in front of me. But I can feel her grab me harder and a moment later her hand travels under my dress, finding the bare flesh of my ass.

Seemingly acting on its own, my hand finds its way to her neck, grabbing it and squeezing it tightly. As I do, I can hear her moan against my lips. Our teeth clash and as the pressure builds I squirm against her. But her skin is too velvety, her lips are too soft. And when she leans in and rests her forehead against mine, an image of Cosima flashes in front of my eyes. Cosima and her lips, Cosima and her smile, Cosima and her eyes. Haunting.

A jolt goes through me and I pull back. The woman in front of me has her brows furrowed in confusion as a tear runs down my cheek. "Désolée," I whisper as I turn around and make my way through the crowd, back to the bar. I feel like I'm floating, my body is light, my senses numb. But even now in its hazy state, my brain still comes up with the one image I don't want to see.

"Everything alright?" The bartender eyes me warily. I don't reply and instead wipe the wetness from my cheek.

"Vodka. Triple," is what I say instead. He hesitates for a second, but puts a glass with the clear substance in it in front of me anyways. I knock it back and hope that I will reach a level of intoxication that lets me forget about that fucking hole in my soul sooner rather than later. As I put the glass back down, my eyes land on something on the other end of the bar and suddenly it's right in front of me. Something that will make me forget. About her, about us, about all my problems. At least for tonight.

I walk over with a demeanor that I hope resembles determination. When I reach my destination I waste no time. "Vic," is what I want to say as I put my arm around the short man's shoulder, but it sounds a lot more like a slur.

"Heeeey," he replies and I can see his one golden canine flashing through his lips. "Long time no see, blondie."

"Well," I try to construct a sentence, but the words just seem to move away from me. Every time I think I have one, I found one, it slips away again. "Busy," is what I simply settle on. "Got something?" My words sound more like mumbling than like anything else, but he still understands what I'm asking. The same thing everyone is asking when they're talking to him.

"You are pretty drunk, blondie ... " He moves his head a little and tries to get a better look at me. "Have you popped something already?" It takes my brain a couple of moments to register the meaning of his words, but when I do, a flashing anger runs through me. Who does he think he is?! Why does every single person feel like they know better what's good for me than I do?! Why do they keep treating me like a 3-year old?!

"Do you want my fucking money or not?!" He shakes his head, but pulls out a little clear plastic bag nonetheless. The exchange is quick.

When I enter the bathroom, I almost collide with a woman making her way out. Seeing as no one else is there, I immediately set to work. Fishing the little white pill out of the plastic bag, I set it down on the counter and crush it with my credit card until all that is left is a little heap of white powder. With trembling hands I divide it evenly and form two neat lines in front of me. I fish a dollar bill out of my wallet and roll it up in practiced motions. Some things you just don't forget ...

I bring my hand up to my head and tuck my hair behind my ear as I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Lips pressed into a straight line, dark bags under my eyes, pupils dilated widely. And a scratch on my neck, a scratch I haven't even noticed before. Before the tears have a chance to well up, I bow down and bring the rolled up bill to my nose. Sniffing once, twice, I feel like my nose is on fire. I lean my head back and massage my nostrils, trying to get rid of the burning sensation just as it hits me. Full force. My heartbeat quickens and I can feel the hairs on my whole body stand up as I finally, _finally_ , zone out.

When I rejoin the moving bodies, I am free. Sweating, bouncing, my hands travel from tight muscles to soft breasts to broad shoulders until they land on a bearded face that inches closer until it prickles my skin. Brisk, possessive, his hands roam my body and beckon everyone else away. When I turn around to press my ass against his crotch, I feel them on my stomach, on my breasts. Scratching just a little too hard. Squeezing just a little too tight. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. So I just close my eyes and move. Swaying, grinding, it doesn't take long before his movements turn from teasing to urgent. As he presses me against himself forcefully, I can feel the bulge in his pants and his teeth biting down on my neck harshly. It's more pain than pleasure, but that is a distinction my drugged out brain isn't able to make anymore.

So I reach behind me and cup his bulge, eliciting a deep groan before he turns me around and crashes our mouths together. His tongue in my mouth feels weirdly heavy, weirdly meaty, weirdly foreign. I pull back and offer him my neck instead while I dig my fingers into his scalp. And as I feel his hot tongue against my tendons, my need becomes undeniable. I don't need his hands on my body, I don't need his mouth on my lips. All I need is release. _Release_.

I take his hand that is currently up under my dress and pull him through the crowd of people. When we reach the bar I'm unsure of where to go. Ladies' room? Men's room? But before I can evaluate my options, he leads me through a hidden corridor and out the back door. Cold air hits me when we step out into a dark alley and the heavy door falls shut behind us.

Determined, he doesn't waste any time. He slips my dress of my right shoulder and pulls on my nipple forcefully before turning me around and pressing me into the hard brick wall. I only realize that he lifts up my dress by the way the cold night air suddenly hits my ass. Rustling, a zipper, and a second later he is inside of me. Too hard, too fast, too much. I whimper. But it doesn't matter. Grabbing, thrusting, I can feel his pelvis hit me time and time again. Pain runs through me at that feeling so unfamiliar. So unfamiliar and so unwelcome as I come to realize. But by now he is close already, I can hear it in his breathing, I can feel it in the way he digs his fingernails into my hips as he pulls me toward him. Tears well up in my eyes and suddenly everything comes crashing down on me. Release. I need release.

I take one hand off the wall and find my center. Equaling his rough motions, I rub my clit with stiff fingers. And when he comes with one last hard thrust, crying out into the night air, somehow I do as well. It's no pleasure, no love, no explosion before my eyes. But it is release. The pressure is suddenly gone. I am gone. The last thing I see is a slick condom hitting the ground right next to my foot.


	22. Six Degrees of Separation Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Friday again, time for an update!  
> As always, my deepest gratitude to my awesome beta ebroisbae. What a trip you've joined me on! Thanks for all you do!
> 
> Chapter title taken from an awesome song by The Script:  
>  __  
> "Anything to take it from your mind,  
>  But it won't go,  
> You're doing all these things out of desperation,  
> You’re going through six degrees of separation.  
> ...  
> First, you think the worst is a broken heart,  
> What's gonna kill you is the second part,  
> And the third, is when your world splits down the middle."   
> – The Script, "Six Degrees of Separation"

I drift, I drift, I drift.

Blue, all I see is blue before my eyes. The bright blue sky of a warm summer day. There are birds. I cannot see them, but I can hear them. I am floating. Floating in water my body feels weightless. The water is warm. I feel warm. I feel safe. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath.

Peace. I cannot remember the last time I felt at peace.

But when I open my eyes again something has changed. The lighting is dull. A cold wind. The birds stay silent. A shiver runs down my spine.

I can see dark clouds forming in the periphery of my field of view. I blink and suddenly the sky is black. A thunderstorm right above me. The only thing illuminating the scenery is the lightning. Bright like the sun it hurts my eyes every time it flashes.

Thick raindrops hit my body. I am freezing. This is not good. This is not safe. I have to get out of here. But when I try to move, nothing happens. My body does not obey me anymore. A panic washes over me. Helpless, I am floating.

The wind picks up and waves start washing over me. One after the other crashes into my face. Leaving me breathless. Leaving me at the mercy of the brewing bane.

Hot tears trail down my face as I suddenly feel a pull.

Down, down, down.

I am pulled down and now I'm under water. I can still see the clouds, see the lightning strikes above the surface, but with each passing second I am pulled further down, away from life.

I want to breathe, I need to breathe. My lungs are screaming. But there is so much pressure. So much pressure on my chest.

I bring my hand up to my chest. I have to do something. _Something_. I need to breathe.

But when my hand touches a warm head on my chest, I startle. Suddenly everything goes dark. _Cosima?_

I open my eyes and an unbelievable headache crushes down on me as I suck in a desperate breath. The head that has apparently been laying on my chest shoots up and when I see soft lines and a straight nose, for a second I believe that it really is Cosima right here with me. That she changed her mind. That she chose me. But of course she didn't.

"Del?" Krystal whispers, looking at me with a worried frown on her face. I groan at the pounding in my head just as I notice the other person in the room. My bedroom as I come to realize. Deep lines on his forehead, beard a lot longer than the last time I saw him, dark circles under his eyes. But it's still the same pair of green eyes looking down at me. His jaw clenched, every muscle in his body flexed, he is squeezing my hand so tightly that it hurts. Sitting in a chair next to my bed, he is squeezing my fingers with his own hand that is weirdly bruised.

"Del?" Krystal goes again and I want to open my mouth to say something. But instead I feel my stomach turning and it takes all of the little willpower I have not to throw up right on the spot.

I gag as I push Krystal off me and swing my legs out of bed, way too fast for my bodies liking. My head turns and my stomach protests angrily. Stumbling, I make it to the bathroom just in time. Kneeling in front of the toilet, I empty the contents of my stomach until the heaving and retching produces nothing more than acid to travel up my esophagus, leaving me trembling and exhausted. Powerless, I wipe my mouth on my arm before sinking to the ground and curling up on the cold bathroom floor. With each passing second my headache seems to intensify until all I can do is squeeze my eyes shut and whimper. Shivering, I am sure I am going to die. It feels like I lay there for hours when in reality it can only be 20 seconds before Phoenix enters. Flushing the toilet he kneels down besides me and directs my arms around his neck, hoisting me up into a standing position.

"Come here," he mumbles while all I can do is lean all my weight against his chest. "Do you want to rinse out your mouth?"

"Oui," I croak. Trying to preserve the little dignity I have left, he helps me wash out my mouth before he collects me in his arms and carries me back to bed. Relieved, I notice that Krystal has lowered the shades, reducing the light streaming in through the windows to a slightly less painful level. Still, my head feels like it's going to burst any second and I whimper as I bury my head into my pillow. But it's not only my head that is hurting, my whole body is hurting. The most painful spot by far is the hole right in my chest where my heart should be. Now, there's nothing. Now, I'm hollow.

The tears start silent. But they don't stay silent. The louder they grow, the closer Krystal inches toward me until she has me wrapped in her arms and I sob into the crook of her neck.

"Hey, hey. Shhh, it's going to be alright." I can feel her softly stroking my hair, but all I can do is shake my head lightly. No, nothing is going to be alright.

"Krystal, I ... I ... " I lost my love. How can I ever be alright without her?

"It's okay. I know, I know. Shhh."

I don't know how long I lay there in her arms, crying my eyes out. But at some point the exhaustion takes over and I fall back into a restless sleep.

* * *

When I wake up again, I am shivering and drenched in a cold sweat. The lighting coming in from outside has changed and Krystal is nowhere to be seen. What has not changed is Phoenix, watching me and holding my hand.

When he notices that I'm awake, his features soften slightly and he starts stroking my knuckles with his thumb. "Your coping strategies are shit."

I don't know what to say to that. No use in denying it. "What happened?"

"A lot," he answers drily. "What's the last thing you remember?"

What is the last thing I remember? I search my brain and slowly images of the past night come back to me. Me dancing with the pretty Asian. Vic. Snorting lines in the bathroom.

"Shit ... "

Some guy whose face I don't even remember. A condom hitting the ground right next to my foot. After that, nothing.

"Oh shit ... " I bring my free hand up to cover my face. "Shit!"

In that moment Krystal enters the room again and sets down a glass of water on my nightstand along with two pills.

"One's Ibuprofen," she explains, "and one against nausea."

"Ibuprofen?" My mind goes to the little bottle in my bathroom shelf. A bottle that is empty as I now recall.

"Yes. It's time you kick your Vicodin habit." I want to protest, to put her back in her place. But I know that she's right. Of course she's right. So I swallow the pills and try to sit up.

"So," Krystal starts again and Phoenix tries getting up from his chair. Tries, because Krystal puts a hand on his shoulder and pushes him down firmly. "No, you stay."

They look at each other and for a second I feel like there is something going on that I'm missing. But then the moment is over as Phoenix looks down on his hands and Krystal faces me again.

"Do you think you can walk?"

I still have the worst headache of my life, but my stomach feels better than earlier. "I can try," I respond in a small voice.

"Good. I'm taking you to Planned Parenthood."

"Planned ... " Suddenly I become eerily aware of my blackout regarding last night.

_'What happened? ... A lot.'_

My heartbeat quickens as the realization hits and I open my eyes wide in shock. "What ... Did I ... ?"

"Look, we pulled you off some dude when we found you. In a pretty ... compromising position."

"Oh God ... " All I can do is bury my face in my hands as new tears fall from my eyes. This time they are tears of shame.

* * *

"How much did he tell you?"

A blood sample and a dose of emergency contraception later, Krystal and I are in the car again and on our way back to my place. My headache is still present, but is now reduced to a steady hammering at my right temple.

"The short version. Cosima, love, heartbreak."

At the mention of her name I shut my eyes tightly to stop the tears from welling up. A most impossible quest of course.

"You must think I'm crazy ... "

"No Del," she shakes her head and reaches across the console to take my hand. "No, I don't think you're crazy." When she squeezes my fingers reassuringly, I can almost feel something akin to warmth spread in my chest. Almost ...

"Oh Krystal ... " I sigh as I bury my face in my free hand and the tears start flowing again. "Do you want to hear the long version?" My words are disrupted by shaky breaths and quiet whimpers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks quietly.

No. I don't want to talk about it. But she deserves to know. Deserves to know what has turned me into this picture of misery sitting next to her. And delaying it won't make talking about it any easier. So I tell her the whole story from beginning to end.

"I had this dream that I was drowning. And then I woke up to the two of you with me." I finish the last sentence just as we pull up to my place. When we get out of the car Krystal is fast to wrap her arms around me and squeeze me tightly.

"I'm sorry ... "

"Yeah, me too." 

I sniffle as she gives me a kiss on the cheek and wipes the tears from my face.

"You are not alone in this. We're here for you."

My lips form a tired smile and for a second I forget about the pain. _We're here for you._

"I know. Merci."

When we get inside we are met with the smell of sizzling meat and Italian herbs. My stomach grumbles slightly and I am not yet sure whether I should interpret that as a good or a bad sign.

"Hey," Phoneix greets us with a kitchen towel thrown over his shoulder and a large wooden spoon in his hand.

"Hey," I reply quietly and watch curiously how the corner of his mouth twitches upward when his gaze falls on Krystal who's standing right next to me.

"Do you think you're up for food?" His attention is now directed at me again and one of his eyebrows is raised in question.

"I'm not sure," I answer truthfully. "What did you make?"

"Spaghetti and meatballs."

At the thought of spaghetti and meatballs my mouth starts watering, which I interpret as a good sign, so I nod. "I want to try."

At my reply a true smile splits his face and he is quick to set the table for the three of us.

As I take my first bite, I come to the realization that this was definitely the right decision. The sticky marinara sauce tastes like heaven and instead of infuriating my stomach further, it finally settles down as I swallow the first few bites.

"This is really good, thank you."

"Yes, thank you," Krystal goes as she reaches over the table to squeeze his forearm.

As we finish dinner it is Krystal who keeps us entertained with some light small talk, mostly gossip from the department and one particularly tragic story of how her manicurist was sick and she had to go to a different one.

When we are done, the two of them are quick to clean off the table while I decide to stay seated. Tracing the patterns on the wood of the table, I imagine it was the tattoo on Cosima's wrist I actually traced. When they return and sit down again, their smiles falter slightly and the air around us changes. Phoenix clears his throat as he sets out to speak.

"Would you mind if I crashed at your place for a little while?" His voice gentle, his eyes soft, I don't know what it is about this innocent question that infuriates me.

"Why, are you afraid I will do something stupid if you leave me alone?" At my words he lowers his eyes to the table and leaves out a labored breath.

"I don't know," he whispers. "Will you?" When he looks up at me, his eyes are full of sadness, mirroring Krystal's. Krystal who tries her luck next.

"Del, please. We just ... "

"Did you talk to her?" His eyes widen and he opens his mouth as if saying something. But he stays silent.

"Did you talk to her?" I repeat my question, now pleading while new wetness covers my cheeks. Of course he did. The way he can't look me in the eyes right now tells me that much. "What did she say?" But he doesn't answer. Instead he shakes his head.

"Phoenix ... "

"Del, we ... " But I silence Krystal with a stern look. I need an answer.

"What did she say?" When he finally looks up at me and reaches out to take my hand in his own, I can see it in his eyes already. But that still doesn't prepare me for actually hearing it.

"You have to try to let go." His voice is but a whisper, but it still rings in my ears. It still shatters my heart that I thought could not possibly be shattered any more.

"Non," I shake my head in protest. "Non!"

"Del," Krystal goes again as she reaches out for my other hand. "Love is wonderful. I know it is." My vision blurry, I can barely make her out anymore. But her voice is crystal clear. "But you cannot let all your happiness depend on one person. You have to be okay with yourself first." I feel like protesting. I feel like screaming. But in this second, I don't have it in my anymore.

"But I'm not." No use in pretending. No use in fighting.

"I know, I know," she goes as she keeps stroking my arm. "But you're not alone. You will get through this. And we will be here the whole way ... If you want us to," she adds in a small voice.

_If you want us to_. I look at that unlikely pair in front of me. Square jaw, stubbly beard, soft eyes. Straight nose, full lips, earnest concern.

Without them I could have woken up in the gutter. Without them I could have woken up nothing at all. What I want to say is, _I don't deserve you. Neither one of you._ But of course I am not strong enough to actually say that. What I instead settle on is, "Oui, I want you to."


	23. Phoenix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost Friday, time for an update! Today I want to take time to thank a number of people. Firstly, ebroisbae for being the most wonderful beta a girl could ask for. French Clone for her creative input, her ideas were a major contribution for this chapter. Merci, mon amie! And my new partner in crime, the amazing HermioneSpencer, for joining me on a collaboration project entitled The Rainbow Rollercoaster. Our first joint one-shot was an absolute joy (and adrenaline rush) to write, I can't wait to learn from her and to see what's next!  
> And of course every single one of you, my dear readers. Thank you for coming back, thank you for your continued support. Without you this story would not exist!

"All I'm saying is: You're 25. Do you really want to bind yourself to this one person for all eternity?"

I look at my best friend, who is balancing on his skateboard gliding next to mine. The warm evening sun hits our faces as we skate along the beach promenade of Santa Barbara.

"Mark, it's going to be our 10-year anniversary. She is my first, my last, my only one. I don't want anyone else."

Turning around the baseball cap on his head, he shrugs his shoulders. "Alright man, it's your decision."

It is indeed my decision to secretly take the day off work and come home early after running errands on May 29th 2015, our 10-year anniversary. Ring in my pocket, dry cleaned tux over my arm, it is my decision to put my keys down next to a picture of us. Her and I in a hammock by the beach in Cabo. It is my decision to ascend the stairs when I hear strange noises. It is my decision to push open the door to our bedroom and step inside.

But it is not my decision to see her in bed with Mark. It is not my decision to notice the lack of guilt in her eyes as she sees me. It is not my decision to throw it all away. It is hers.

* * *

_"You're throwing it all away."_

There is nothing more I could have told her. Nothing more I could have tried.

"Fuck!" I shout as I smash my hands down on the steering wheel. For a second I close my eyes and lean my head back in frustration. One and a half years ago. One and a half years ago and I still remember all too well the feeling of having my heart ripped out. "Fuck ... "

Leaving out a long breath, I look at the clock. 10:22. Delphine's flight should be departing shortly. Mine is scheduled for 1 pm. Still enough time to make a call.

I fish out my phone and click on a contact I have only added this morning. It rings two times before someone picks up.

_"Helloooo!"_ I am greeted by an energetic voice.

"Hi Krystal, this is Phoenix from Happy Vertebrate Farms. You probably don't remember me, we talked last week ... "

"Shut up! Of course I remember you! What's up, cutie?"

"Listen, this is about Delphine ... "

* * *

As I make my way through customs at Baltimore-Washington International Airport and step through the glass doors into the arrival hall, it takes me about 0.3 seconds to find Krystal Goderitch. Wearing a skin tight sunrise patterned dress, her blonde hair falling down her shoulders in perfect waves, she holds up a letter sized sign. 'Phoenix' is written on it in pink sharpie and deep red hearts are surrounding my name. I step towards her and as soon as she realizes who I am, she comes running at me as fast as her stilettos allow her, only to wrap her arms around my neck and press her body against mine. Taken aback by the warm welcome—she acts like we've known each other for a lifetime—my body stiffens and I am not quite sure what to do. But when I feel her tremble against my chest and I hear her whisper "I'm so glad you're here," I don't hesitate anymore to reciprocate her hug.

"I'm Phoenix," I go just as she pulls back again.

"I know. I'm Krystal." She offers me her hand and I take it instantly. Her handshake is firm and warm and when my gaze falls on the smile that is slowly forming on her face, something inside of me stirs. We hold on to each other’s hands longer than necessary and I can see her full lips form a dopey grin before both of us remember what has brought us here.

She drops my hand and her smile is gone faster than I can look. "Delphine," she starts. "I'm worried about her."

"Yeah, me too. Do you know where she is?"

She shakes her head in defeat. "No, I texted her a million times, but she never replied. I finally went over to her place on hour ago, but she wasn't home."

"Are you sure that she didn't just decide not to answer the door?"

"Yeah, I have a spare key. It looks like she chugged some vodka and a couple of pills before going out."

"Shit ... "

Our eyes lock and we both know that Delphine is probably getting herself into deep trouble right this moment.

"No time to lose then," I state and Krystal is quick to lead me out into the cool night air and to her car. "Any idea where she could be?" I ask while putting my suitcase into the trunk.

"There are a couple of clubs we used to go to a lot. I hope she'll be at one of them," Krystal replies as she holds out her car keys for me to take it. I lift an eyebrow in confusion.

"Do you want me to drive?"

She blows a bubble with a piece of chewing gum I didn't realize she was chewing. A second later it pops. "Don't you want to drive!?"

"You know the area and I don't. If we want to get to the clubs fast, you should probably drive ... "

My reasoning brings a smile to her face and the next time her bubble pops she winks at me.

"Fast I can do!"

* * *

Fast she can do indeed. As we race towards our first stop, my heart beats around 200 times a minute and I have to hold on to the door and the dashboard to not get thrown around as Krystal takes curve after curve at top speed.

"Jesus Christ, where did you learn to drive like that!?" As Krystal shuts down the engine, there is no way for me to hide my impression.

"Oh, you know, mostly practice." Another wink at me and as my heart beats faster this time it is not because of the speed of the car.

The line to get into the club is so long that it curves around the block and for a second my heart falls. "Shit." If it looks like that at each one of the clubs, there is no way we will find Delphine before the end of the night.

"Oh Phoenix! Let me handle this!" Krystal is quick to pull the baseball cap from my head and puts it into her purse. What she pulls out of her purse is a small can of hair spray. Ruffling my hair with her hand, she applies at least half of the small can to my head and continues to open a couple of buttons of my shirt.

"Okay, that should work," she mumbles as she puts the can back where it came from and passes her purse to me. "Can you hold on to this for a sec?"

I obviously oblige as Krystal sets to work on herself. After shaking out her hair, she reaches into the purse I'm holding to retrieve a small mirror and some pink lipstick.

"Just a quick touch up," she states before applying it to her full lips. Following each of her intricate lines carefully, she looks like an artist working on her master piece. When she is done, she brings her lips together to produce a loud popping noise before putting her utensils back into her purse.

"Almost done," she announces as she brings her hands to her cleavage. Holding her bra with one hand, she continues to readjust first her left and then her right breast, ending with taking them in both hands and squeezing them upwards.

Too late do I realize that I should maybe have averted my eyes rather than staring like in idiot. When her gaze meets mine she pulls up an eyebrow and flashes me her brilliantly white canines. I can feel a blush creeping over my cheeks as she takes her purse from me again.

"Alright!" She takes my hand and pulls me towards the entrance, past all the people standing in line. "Let me do the talking," she whispers just before we reach the bouncer.

When he sees us approaching, he is fast to block the way and point to the end of the line. As if on cue Krystal drops my hand and puts an arm around his shoulder. As she leans in to whisper into his ear, she presses her breasts against his chest. I don't like the sight, I don't like it at all. But before I can pull her off him to tell her that we will find some other way inside, he gives her a short nod and steps aside, giving us permission to enter. Before we do, Krystal pulls out her phone and shows it to him, earning a shake of his head before we continue inside.

"How the hell did you do that?" I ask her incredulously as soon as we are out of earshot. "Practice ... " she is quick to reply. "He hasn't seen Del tonight. But we should still ask around a little." I nod in agreement as a heavy electronic beat envelopes us now, making verbal communication impossible. While Krystal tries her luck with the bartenders, I show Delphine's picture to random patrons, earning nothing but head shakes.

"Any luck?" I inquire loudly when reuniting with Krystal 10 minutes later.

"No, she wasn't here." I can see the disappointment in her eyes. Disappointment and fear.

"We will find her," I am quick to assure the blonde while squeezing her arm.

But we don't have any more luck at the next four clubs we visit. No one has seen Delphine, no one has heard about her. All our calls to her phone are directly forwarded to her voicemail, leaving us no other option but to continue our search for the needle in the hay stack.

"There is one more club on the list," Krystal explains as we enter the car again. "It's a dump and Del would never in her right mind go there ... "

"But she's not in her right mind," I finish her sentence.

"No, she's not," she whispers to herself as she starts the engine.

When we finally arrive at Club Neolution, it's already past 4 am. With Krystal running out of ideas, this is really our last chance to find Delphine tonight. I hope we will find her before it's too late ...

"Yeah, me too." I didn't realize I said that out loud. But the sad look Krystal throws me suggests I did. I reach over and grab her hand to squeeze it reassuringly.

"We will find her, I know we will."

"Okay."

We look at each other for a couple of seconds before getting out of the car. Krystal gets us into the club faster than I can look, past a bouncer with silver hair and one white eye. Stepping inside, the music is so loud that I can feel the vibrations of the electronic sounds in my torso. The next thing I notice is the fact that the floor is sticky and that many of the patrons are sporting tattoos, piercings, and body modifications. Before I can turn to Krystal to comment on that, she grabs my biceps and digs her nails into it, seemingly having spotted something close to the bar.

Intertwining her fingers with mine, she drags me across the dancefloor and to the bar, heading for a short guy with a shiny earring and one golden tooth.

"Vic!" She shouts at him as soon as we are in earshot.

"Krystal hey! I was wondering where you were, odd to see blondie without you in her company ... "

At his words she puts both of her hands to his chest and presses him against the bar.

"Delphine is here? Where is she!?"

"Hey, hey, hey!" He lifts his hands in a defensive manner. "She bought some from me maybe two, three hours ago. Last time I saw her she disappeared into the direction of the bathroom with two dudes."

Krystal drops her hand from his chest and looks at me with wide eyes. This time I am the one taking charge, leading the way into the described direction. Making our way through the crowd of sweaty people on the dancefloor again, Krystal latches on to my hand and I pull her behind me.

We descend two steps and round a corner when I hear a yelp from the blonde beside me. And one second later I see it as well.

There she is— _Delphine!_ —when I notice her head of golden locks my heart jumps. But when I realize what's happening, a burning rage is quick to fill my chest. I can feel it flowing through my veins and prickle under my skin.

She is leaning with her back against the wall, head fallen to the side and eyes closed. Her dress has slipped from one of her shoulders, leaving her breast exposed. A breast that is currently being felt up by a chubby bald guy. One hand grabbing her butt, he is pressing himself against her with all his weight while pulling on and squeezing the pale flesh of her chest. A second guy, taller and even greasier than the first one, is standing just to the side of him, shamelessly massaging his boner through his black pants.

Something in my head clicks and I quickly bridge the distance between myself and the unconscious blonde, shoving the bald guy off her and catching her as she falls forwards into my arms. I can hear his protest and can sense trouble from behind. Luckily Krystal is quick to react, wrapping her arms around Delphine's waist so I can turn around. Just in time to see the bald guy running at me with a knife in his hand. But the drugs that are apparently circulating in his system make him no match for me and my adrenaline heightened senses.

I smash his hand against the wall and just as I can hear the cracking of a number of bones breaking, he drops the knife. His face contorted in pain he still keeps coming at me and when he starts throwing punches in my direction, I decide to take the quick route with him. Balling my right into a fist, I place a hard blow right at his temple, knocking him out cold as he collapses in front of me.

Now my fist hurts like hell, but I have no time to ponder on that. The greasy guy has circled me and is now putting an arm around my neck from behind, trying to put me into a neck hold. Trying, because I am easily a foot taller than him. Holding on to his arm on my shoulder I turn around and smack him into the wall. Before he can react, I have my hand around his neck. Slowly, _slowly_ , I start squeezing and while his fight against me stays fruitless, the panic in his eyes grows.

I think about what would have happened had we not arrived in time, what possibly has happened over the course of the night before we did and I am oh so tempted to continue my torture.

It's Krystal's voice that drags me back into the here and now. "Phoenix," she goes and the expression in her eyes as she looks from Delphine's motionless face to me lets me forget about the thug.

"Leave," I hiss into his ear as I squeeze his neck tightly one more time, "right now." He nods as much as my hold allows it and when I release him he is indeed fast to disappear into the direction of the dancefloor.

Krystal has Delphine leaning against the wall, barely able to hold her upright.

"How is she?" I inquire as I step closer.

"She's breathing. It's way too loud in here. We need to take her outside."

I am quick to collect her in my arms, but making our way through the crowded club with her seems like a hopeless endeavor.

"Over here!" Krystal leads us through a hidden corridor and out a heavy back door. As it falls shut, the cool night air envelopes us and the loud thrumming of the music is reduced to background noise.

"Okay, put her down."

Delphine's legs unstable as they are, I lean her against me and hold onto her with both arms so she doesn't topple over. Krystal pulls out her cell phone and turns on the flashlight function. As she moves to open one of Delphine's eyes and shines the flashlight in it, the blonde in my arms stirs.

"Non, laisse-moi tranquille!"

I can see the relief in Krystal's eyes upon that reaction.

"Del! Del, you're here!" She leaves out a long breath as she continues shining the light into Delphine's other eye. "Okay, she's drunk off her ass and high as a kite."

I nod as Krystal puts the phone away and brings both of her hands to her friend's face, slapping it lightly.

"Del! Delphine! Can you open your eyes for me?" Talking in a voice that's loud and clear, she does not get a reaction from Delphine. Stepping back, she brings one hand to her own head and grabs at her hair in deliberation. "We need to make her throw up."

"Okay."

"We have to be careful that she doesn't choke. You hold her and I do the deed."

"I can," I start, wanting to suggest that I do the dirty work. But we both know that Krystal would never be able to hold her up. So when she shakes her head, I grab Delphine's waist and lean both of our sides against the brick wall. Leaning the barely conscious woman forward, I give Krystal a nod. She steps forward and carefully pulls her friends hair out of her face, holding it back with one hand.

"I'm sorry," she whispers as she brings two of her fingers to Delphine's mouth. The French woman tries to evade the foreign object entering her mouth, turning her head from side to side. But as Krystal tightens her grip on her hair, she has no way of escaping the inevitable anymore.

I can't actually see her slim fingers entering Delphine's mouth. But I can hear the gagging coming from the woman in my arms. Once, twice, and Krystal removes her fingers just in time.

Delphine throws up an excessive amount of liquid as I can feel her abs cramping against my arms.

"Jesus!" Krystal's expression mirrors my shock as she shakes her head.

"Oh, Del ... "

When she finally stops gagging and heaving, Krystal gently cleans her mouth with a tissue before I pull her towards me, resting her head against my shoulder. Her hand finds my waist and she groans into the crook of my neck, which I interpret as a good sign.

"Do we take her to the hospital?" I don't have any idea what to do in a situation like this, so I fully trust the expertise of the med student across from me.

She reaches out and touches Delphine's forehead, then her neck. Moving her hand back to the front, she lightly slaps her cheek again.

"Delphine!"

The blonde in my arm stirs and tries moving her head out of the way. The sounds of protest leaving her mouth almost sound like "Arrête!"

Taking a step back again, Krystal's gaze travels from Delphine's face to me and back to her. After a second of deliberation, she has come to a conclusion.

"She'll be fine. We should just get some water into her and then get her into bed."

"Sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Let's get her home." She gives me a reassuring smile, and I'm quick to pick up the French woman once again.

The drive to Delphine's place is quick and quiet. This time I am the one driving. Krystal is sitting in the back seat, Delphine's head in her lap and giving me directions. By the time I lay Delphine down in her bed, the sun is already coming up.

"Should we put her into the shower?" A thick layer of sweat and God knows what else covers her skin.

"No, just let her sleep. She can take a shower when she wakes up."

While Krystal changes her friend into some loose shorts and a t-shirt, I go to the kitchen to get a glass of water for her and chug one myself.

"Alright!" Krystal shouts when I'm okay to go back in.

She is quick to gulp down the water. Pointing to the sleeping Delphine she adds, "No point in trying with that one."

I nod and suddenly we are enveloped in an awkward silence. Until both of us start speaking at the same time.

"I ... "

"You ... "

I chuckle as a tired smile splits her face.

"We should stay up and watch her, just in case," Krystal states with a nod in Delphine's direction. But I can see how tired she is herself and there is really no use in two people staying up.

"It's okay. I'll watch her and you get some shut eye."

"No, you don't ... "

"Krystal," I take a step towards her and put my hand on her shoulder. "It's alright. Get some sleep."

She looks at me for a couple of seconds with her eyebrows furrowed before the corner of her mouth twitches and she finally nods.

She disappears into the bathroom after grabbing something out of Delphine's closet. I go back into the kitchen to throw some water into my face and quickly wolf down two bananas. Grabbing one of the kitchen chairs I reenter the bedroom just as Krystal walks out of the bathroom. Now dressed in boxer shorts and a shirt, face make-up free and hair up in a loose bun, she is not any less beautiful than before.

A blush creeps across her cheeks as she sees the smile on my lips. But the last thing I want is make her uncomfortable, so I am quick to turn away and utter "Sorry!" under my breath.

"No," she exclaims as she steps forward and grabs a hold of my hand. "Don't be sorry."

As I gaze into her eyes and she gazes into mine, there is a moment between us. Was it not the middle of the night, were the both of us not so exhausted, was her best friend not laying in her bed half-dead, maybe I would have been brave. Maybe I would have moved closer and cupped her face, waiting for permission to kiss her.

However, with the situation as it is, I just hold her hand and squeeze is reassuringly. But as I go to drop it and move my chair to the side of the bed, she tightens her grip on my fingers.

"Phoenix ... " It's barely a whisper, but hearing my name roll off her tongue still makes my heart skip a beat. Before I can reply anything, she has her arms wrapped around my torso and her cheek pressed against my chest. I gently put my arms around her and rest my head on hers.

"You're a really good guy," she mumbles into my shirt.

"You're not so bad either." _Smooth P., really smooth._

We stay like that for a couple of moments before she steps back and presses a kiss to my cheek. Now it's my turn to blush and she rubs my arm one more time before climbing into bed with Delphine, resting her head on her chest, apparently listening to her heartbeat.

By the time I put the chair next to the bed and sit down, her eyes are closed and she's sleeping soundly.

Grabbing Delphine's fingers with my bruised hand, I can't help but wonder how I got here. Which unlikely chain of events has led me to this place at this time. Maybe everything happens for a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am obviously no doctor and if you find your friend in a situation like that, high and drunk off their ass, you should probably take them to a hospital. Better be safe than sorry!


	24. Day 1: Mind over Matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the late update, life has just been crazy this past week! I should hopefully be back on schedule with the next chapter.  
> Thank you to my beta ebroisbae for all-around awesomeness. Thank you to French Clone for pitching and tossing around ideas with me and thank you to HermioneSpencer for all the food porn.  
> Title taken from one of my favorite songs of all time, "Mind Over Matter" by Young the Giant.

A blank canvas. That's what the white ceiling looks like when I open my eyes. Technically white is just the sum of all colors there are. Every bright shade of green, every pulsing shade of red, every cool shade of blue. Add it all together and white is what you get.

However, with the light streaming in from the windows, the ceiling almost doesn't look white anymore. It just looks empty. A blank canvas. Sometimes I wish-

"Morning sleepyhead!" A crystal clear and all too loud voice echoes through the bedroom. When I look up I can see Krystal standing in the doorway, big smile on her face. Dressed in high waist jeans and a crop top, her hair is flowy and her make-up is of course immaculate, although it is only—I quickly check the clock on my night stand—7:30 am. 

"Krystal ... "

"No, no, no, come on sleeping beauty. Breakfast is almost ready and we have plans!"

"Plans?" By the time I manage to croak my protests, Krystal has already grabbed my hand and is now pulling on me, pulling me right out of bed.

"Come, come!"

My resistance is absolutely useless, so I just accept my fate and swing my legs out of bed, following her into the kitchen. I am met with a smell that makes my mouth water. It is a mixture of coffee and bacon. And there is Phoenix, a towel once again thrown over his shoulder.

“Bonjour,” he goes in his funny American accent and sure enough I can feel the corners of my mouth moving upwards.

“Bonjour, Phoenix. It smells delicious in here.”

At my words a smile splits his face and a deep laughter rumbles in his chest.

“I hope it’s gonna taste like that as well!”

Krystal pulls on my hand that she is still holding in hers and we move to the table, which is already set. There is the coffee I had smelled the moment I had stepped out of the bedroom, a jug of orange juice, a bowl filled with large pieces of watermelon and cantaloupe, and a basket of croissants, toast, and bagels. A touch with the back of my hand tells me that they are all still warm and I shoot Krystal a confused look.

“How does he do that?” My question is barely a whisper, but Krystal’s eyes still start beaming when she whispers back to me.

“I have no idea, it’s like he is a God in the kitchen!” Now Krystal blushes heavily, apparently she is thinking about other rooms he might be a God in as well. But a second later we hear steps from the kitchen approaching and she tries her hardest to get her facial expression back under control.

“Mesdames … “ Carefully Phoenix puts a large plate down in front of Krystal, then one in front of me and one in front of his chair before he sits down in one fluid motion.

What I see in front of me nearly makes my jaw drop. There are hash browns, grilled tomatoes and mushrooms, bacon, little sausages grilled to perfection, and two fried eggs. Egg whites set, center golden and luscious, lightly sprinkled with salt and pepper.

“Oh my God! Del doesn’t even have a grill, how did you … “  
I register Krystal’s voice in the background, but all I see before my eyes is Cosima with a skillet in her hands, that morning after- _No, stop. Enough. Where do you want to go from here, up or down? It’s your decision._

I bring a hand to my face and rest my head against it, covering my eyes. _One last time._

I close them and I allow myself for one last time to reminisce, to think of that face. To think of that smile. To think of those eyes. To think of how she made me feel. The taste of her lips when I held her up against the tractor and kissed her, our clothes soaking wet. The way she stuck her tongue out between her teeth. The way her legs fit so perfectly around me. The way she made me feel like I was home when I was with her. And the ache in my chest where my heart should be. _Where do you want to go?_

“Del, are you alright?” Krystal’s voice pulls me back to the here and now and is accompanied by Phoenix’ warm hand on my shoulder.

“Just give me a second.” The hand disappears again and I return to the image in my mind. Her face right in front of mine, her eyes so alive. ‘I love you, Delphine.’ _Where do you want to go?_

_Adieu, Cosima._

When I open my eyes again and put my hand down, I see two worried gazes on me. Waiting, neither of them says a word. Am I alright?  
“Thank you for this, it looks magnificent.” I reach out to squeeze Phoenix’ arm before picking up my cutlery and cutting a piece off the eggs. Placing it on a piece of hash browns and picking up a mushroom as well, I carefully maneuver it into my mouth. Closing my lips around the fork and carefully pulling the food off it, I can feel my cheeks prickle and my mouth water as my taste buds are graced by this amazing concoction. Taking my time I chew slowly, enjoying every second of it. Next I grab a slice of warm toast, penetrating the dome of golden velvet, making the egg yolk spread rapidly. Soaking some of it up with the bread, I take a large bite out of the slice.

With both of my friends still staring at me, eyeing me like I have two heads, I feel like I need to say something, to maybe announce my decision. Swallowing the piece of bagel in my mouth, I take a gulp of coffee and clean my lips with my napkin.

“Non, I am not alright. But I want to be.”

 

* * *

 

“Sometimes I envy them.”

I am sitting in the passenger seat and our car is stopped in front a pedestrian crossing. A group of school kids is crossing the street, they cannot be older than 14. Some of them are wearing oversized t-shirts and large backpacks, some are sporting skinny jeans and purses. Some have white earbuds in their ears, some have phones in their hands. Others are talking, laughing, waving around with their hands in the air excitedly. They look like they don’t have a single worry in the world.

Krystal gives me a confused look and pulls one eyebrow up in question.

“It’s just … “ It feels odd talking about it, expressing those thoughts that seem so far from the person I used to be. “They are free. They have all the options to choose from, they can take every path they desire. Their life is a blank canvas.”

Krystal nods slowly and puts the car back into drive, continuing our way to a destination still unknown to me. “You envy them for their freedom? But you are free, too.”

I can hear the confusion in her voice, but there is no doubt, no accusation. I am not even sure if Krystal is capable of those things. Still there is a dry laughter bubbling up inside of me, spilling out through my chapped lips, echoing in the small space.

“Del,” she makes a point to look at me as we stop at the next street light. “You are free, too.”

This time her voice is more serious than before and I can see determination in her eyes. “You have all options to choose from, you can take any path you desire. Nothing is holding you back.”

All I can do is shake my head as we take a left and drive up the ramp to the highway. “Do you really believe that, Krystal?”

“I don’t only believe it, I know it to be true. What makes you think otherwise?”

“Oh Krystal … “ Is it not clear as day? Do I really have to say it? “My path is set. My destination is decided. There is no going back."

“Everything holding you back,” a side look into my direction as we merge onto the highway, “is just in here, Del.” She brings two fingers up to tap her temple. “All those … constraints, all those expectations, they aren’t real."

Why doesn't she understand? It's not as easy as that ...

"Krystal, I am a scientist. I've always been a scientist. This is all I am. I can't just quit."

"Delphine, why don't you see it? A scientist is not all you are. You just do science. And frankly, the way it's made you miserable the last two years I don't know why you’ve kept doing it for so long!"

An eerie silence fills the car as I can feel anger settling in my stomach. But I know better than to lash out at Krystal. I know that it's not her I am angry at. Only after we take an exit do I dare to speak again.

"It didn't always make me miserable. It used to make me happy."

"I know," she goes as we pull into a large parking lot. “And I know you've made plans. I know this was your dream since you were little. All I'm saying is that dreams can change, plans can be overthrown. You are human, you can change your opinion. And you don’t have to justify your actions in front of anyone.”

As we get out of the car, Krystal grabs two bags out of the trunk and we approach the large building. My friend grows more excited with every second and soon I can see why. ‘Gaia Spa’ is written in big golden letters above the entrance and I can’t keep a sound of surprise from rolling off my tongue.

“A spa?!”

“Obviously a spa! This is the first day of the rest of your life, Del! And this is the best way to start it!” 

“But I don’t even have a bikini with me!”

“Of course you do,” she goes as she wiggles her eyebrows and hands me one of the bags. “So what do you say?”

Her excitement is contagious and thinking about it, I can’t remember the last time I spent a day just relaxing, dozing, doing nothing in particular. I can still feel the anger somewhere inside, but I decide not to let it take over. Not to let it ruin this time with my best friend. I show my approval with a nod and as we enter, Krystal is quick to buy two day passes.

After getting changed and taking a shower, our first stop is a massage appointment that Krystal must have booked in advance. We are greeted by two young men wearing white polo shirts and are quick to lie down on the two massage tables standing side by side. As warm hands start working on my back, it is very much uncomfortable at first. The last time I got a massage it was Co- _No._

Only over time do I ease into it and maybe ten minutes later I feel like I am pudding under the massage therapist’s large hands.

“ … and you know, this was absolutely not planned,” Krystal continues rambling like she has been doing from the second we laid down, “because obviously we had other problems at hand, so at first I wasn’t really paying attention to him, but then he was so cute when he was all worried, and then I kinda had to fix his hair, and then he was such a gentleman, and then I totally wished he would kiss me, but then he was too much of a gentleman … “

If the attraction between Krystal and Phoenix had not been clear from the moment I saw them interacting, it would be totally clear by now. The excitement in her voice and the way she just keeps babbling doesn’t leave a single doubt in my mind.

“Oh shit!” A gasp and then silence.

“Are you alright?” I mumble tiredly while my head is being pressed against the cushions by two strong hands on my neck.

“Yeah, I just … I just noticed that I might have been a little insensitive going on about this.”

Insensitive? Objectively she probably was. Subjectively there is nothing else I would rather hear right now than her being happy.

“No Krystal, please continue. I know that you need to get it out of your system.”

She does and by the time our massages finish, a blissful warmth has enveloped my body. After a trip to the jacuzzis and a mud mask, it is time for a little rest. We choose two lounging chairs in front of a large window, overseeing the outside area of the spa.

“You were right,” I start after we’ve been dozing for a couple of minutes.

“Of course I was! Which exact instance are we talking about though?” Krystal’s lips are drawn into a nervous smile and her eyebrows are raised in question.

“Plans can change. And I shouldn’t feel obligated to continue with research only because that’s what I’ve been doing for such a long time.”

“Del, we don’t … “

“No, please. You said it, Day 1.” I look at her and she nods, encouraging me to continue. “You were right, work has made me miserable. In the end, I was miserable. But not all parts of it are bad. What has brought me into academia might have been research, but what I loved from the first moment on and what I loved to the very end, that was teaching.”

I can see a smile split Krystal’s face as she reaches over and takes my hand.  
“It was the pressure, the stress, working with Dr. Leekie that made me miserable.”

“The world is not black and white.” Sometimes I feel like Krystal is the wiser one between the two of us.

“No, it is not. You are right, I still have the opportunity to change the path, to paint a new picture. But I’m not sure what that picture would look like. I’m not even sure, whether I want a completely new picture.”

“That’s the beauty of it.” A wink at me as she closes her eyes and leans back. “Today is only Day 1,” she mumbles. “You have all the time in the world.”


	25. Day 235: Every New Beginning is Some Beginning's End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super late update, life has been crazy! We've made it to chapter 25, when i started out I didn't even think I'd make it to chapter 5. Thanks to all of you for coming back and dropping comments, you are very much appreciated!  
> As always, thank you to my wonderful beta ebroisbae, without her I wouldn't even have had the guts to post a single chapter. Thank you to French Clone for her continuing support and inspiration, for this chapter in particular. And shout out to HermioneSpencer and SianRuns for being their usual dorky selves and brightening my days with inappropriate messages!

Coffee is just what I need right now. I spent all morning working on my dissertation, locked away in my office and enviously watching the people outside skipping through the fresh snow. Wrapped in heavy winter coats and thick scarves, their movements caused clouds of fluffy white to form around their feet. Leaving trails in the snow for the next people to follow, it almost looked like they were ants. Hurrying along their designated trails, finding no reason to leave the paths laid out for them.

It was Krystal's voice which had pulled me out of my daydream, asking for help on one of her grant applications. So I was indeed pulled out of the dullness of thesis writing, only for it to be replaced by the dullness of grant application writing.

When noon finally came around and it was time for me to teach my class, Introduction to Genetics I, I was happy for the change of scenery. Over the last six months, I had realized more than ever what had kept me here, what had bound me to academia after all the misery. It was teaching, it had always been teaching. A lot of students are busy during lectures. Busy chatting with their neighbors, busy browsing Facebook, busy doing their homework for the next class. There is a handful paying attention as well, listening close and taking notes. But sometimes, every once in a while, there is a student who is glued to your lips. Who devours every word you say, whose eyes light up when you reveal to them the intricacies of the human genome, the nature of mankind. You see the enlightenment in their eyes and you know: A fellow soul. And in these moments, your heart does a jump and a smile inadvertently creeps across your face. In these moments you know that all the late nights and early mornings, the theses and grant proposals are worth it.

I love teaching with every fiber of my being. Still, that does not make it less exhausting. Which is exactly why I need a coffee now, at 3 pm in the afternoon.

"Bonjour, how are you?"

The old lady behind the counter gives me a warm smile.

"I'm good, what can I get for you?"

"A small latté, please."

"Sure thing, sweetheart."

She goes to work and I wander along the counter to the pick-up spot, once again gazing outside through the windows. It has started to snow again and the flakes are being whipped against the glass by a strong wind.

"Here you go!" A steaming cup is put down right in front of me and I smile at the lady warmly.

"Merci."

Turning around to walk towards the doors, I can feel the wind being knocked out of me as a slender form collides with my front.

"Putain!" 

Next thing I know, there is scolding hot coffee all over my white shirt and pants and I look into a pair of very bewildered brown eyes. The woman wearing a sharp bob looks at the scene with horror in her eyes.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" She steps around me, grabs a handful of napkins off the counter, and starts dabbing at the large coffee stain on my chest. Her hands come uncomfortably close, so I catch her them and push them away. As the realization of what she was actually doing hits, her eyes widen again and she takes a step back, holding up her hands in surrender.

"I am so sorry!"

When her gaze moves to my face for the first time, her brows furrow and recognition flashes across her features, her eyes widening once again.

"It's you!"

Only now do I have time to really take in her face. Bronze skin and full lips, she seems awfully familiar.

"Don't you remember me?"

I am at a loss for words. I know that I have seen her before, but where? Maybe at a conference?

"The club," she elaborates enthusiastically, with a big smile on her face, "Like, eight, nine months ago?"

And then it hits me. That bob, that skin, that mouth. That kiss. That awful night ten months ago. The woman I had danced with at club Neolution, one of the last things I remember of that night.

"It's so good to see you again!" Uttering those words she shows off her white canines and holds out her right hand for me to shake.

Taken aback it takes me a couple of seconds to react. My first reaction is turn around and leave. Run from that woman, run from that night, run from that life that I've left behind. But something about her eyes, something about her smile makes me take her hand instead. It is soft and warm and her fingers wrap around mine in a firm handshake.

"We didn't really get to introduce us, the other night," I start and her eyes light up.

"Yes! Yes, I guess we were busy doing other things!" The laugh that rolls off her tongue is light and clear and inadvertently my own mouth forms a smile as well. "I'm Evie!"

"Bonjour, I'm Delphine." With my hand still in hers, she gives it another squeeze.

"It's nice to meet you again, Delphine." As she drops my hand, her eyes go back to the large stain on my blouse and a grimace creeps over her face. "Although I do wish it was under different circumstances. I'm really sorry about that."

I look down at myself again and although the stain is just as large as a minute ago, the whole incident does not seem as bothersome anymore.

"It's okay, I have a change of clothes in my office."

"Okay, I'll pay for the having this dry cleaned though!"

"Non, don't worry about it." Looking into her dark eyes, I can feel an unexplainable blush creep across my face. "I better get back to work ... " With another nod at her I set out to step around the petite woman in front of me to make my way to my office, change, and continue working on my dissertation. Instead I can feel a strong hand on my arm just as I am about to pass Evie.

"Wait!"

A single eyebrow raised I look at her, waiting for an elaboration.

"Can I buy you a coffee as an apology?"

"A coffee?" Looking from my still steaming cup to her, she realizes her predicament and a nervous laughter leaves her mouth as she brings her hand to her hair.

"Um, I mean a tea?!" Her eyes almost popping out of her head, she quickly corrects herself once again. "I mean, lunch?" The smile on her face looks more forced than heartfelt by now and I would really like to save her from her awkwardness. That does not change anything about the mountain of work waiting for me though.

"I already had lunch and my dissertation will not write itself, so ... "

"Dinner!" She does not even let me finish my sentence before shouting her final suggestion at me. "Let me buy you dinner, please. It's the least I can do."

My gut reaction is to tell her no, to go back to my office and have some ramen for dinner. Work late and go home with Krystal, sharing a bottle of wine on hers and Phoenix' couch.

"You'll have to eat anyways." There is a sparkle in her eyes that looks a lot like hope and weirdly enough there is something in the back of my head as well. A ringing, a tingling. Something I haven't felt in a long time, not since ...

"Okay." At my single word her face lights up and I wonder what exactly I am doing.

"Okay?!" 

"Oui." I nod my head and am surprised when she launches herself at me, throwing an arm across my shoulder and kissing me on the cheek.

"I'll come by your office, say at 7?" With her face so close to mine, my gaze wanders to her lips and suddenly I find it oddly challenging to concentrate.

"Yes, that sounds good. I'm in Mason 319."

"I'll be there," she whispers and I can feel her warm breath against my cheek and her soft hand on my arm. Having to sort my thoughts, I offer her another smile before making my way back to my office.

The walk through the snow is cold but short and a minute later I am almost at my destination. But of course that would have been too easy.

"Del!" Krystal is literally shouting at me as I try to hurry along her office's open door. Busted, I turn around and enter her office, only to be met by a pair of wide eyes and a smile slowly spreading across her face.

"What happened to you?" I can hear the amusement in her voice and am slightly confused as to what it might be motivated by.

"Someone spilled coffee on me."

She shakes her head and her smile now turns into a full out grin.

"I can see that, Captain Obvious! No, you look flustered."

I feel my face get all warm again and with every passing second, her excitement grows.

"Did you meet someone!?" She gets up from behind her desk and prances closer and suddenly I feel oddly trapped.

"Non, it's not ... "

"Tell me everything!"

By now she is standing right in front of me, tying her hair back in a messy ponytail.

"Krystal, nothing happened." I try to back away from her and out of the door, but she is quick to close it and block my only escape route.

"Delphine Aurélie Cormier, your face is as red as my freshly manicured fingernails." With her waving her nails in front of my face, I can attest that they are very red indeed. "So spill them beans!"

I give her another long look, weighing my options of escaping her interrogation. Seeing that they are slim, I give in and sit down on one of the chairs at her desk.

"Fine."

* * *

 

It's 6:57 when I hear a quiet knock at my open door. I stand up in one fluid motion, straightening the dress Krystal lent me and made me put on.

"It's a date!" She had insisted while I was squeezing into the dress that was only a little too tight.

"It's not a date, Krystal!"

But seeing Evie with her tasteful black dress hugging her curves, her makeup much more pronounced than this afternoon, and a flirty smile on her lips, makes any doubt about the nature of our meeting disappear. When I approach her and she closes in to kiss me on both of my cheeks, her warm hand rests on my hip.

"You look stunning!"

I blush at the compliment and fumble with my words as I try to reciprocate it.

"I, um, you ... You look really nice yourself."

Conversation during the ride in her car is light but pleasant and it only takes us ten minutes to arrive at a sushi place at the lake that I have never been to before, but have only ever heard good things of. We get seated at a table right next to a large window, overlooking the lake that is shining silvery in the moonlight.

Over the course of three courses, we talk about everything and nothing. Evie is working on her dissertation in molecular genetics and has a pug named Adam. Her parents immigrated to Canada from the Philippines just before she was born and it was always her dream to become a scientist.

But more than that, more than the information about her teaching and volunteer work, her research experience and her publications, I am strangely intrigued by the way her lips close around her fork, by the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs. The more wine I have, the more I can feel my concentration slip and by the end of the night I am definitely staring.

"See anything you like?"

One half of her face is illuminated by the candle on our table, emphasizing the sharp lies of her jaw. Her cheeks flushed by the alcohol, she looks at me with slightly opened lips.

"Possibly," I reply with a sly smile on my face as I set my wine glass back down.

It is after midnight when she drops me off at my place, walking me to my front door. Standing in the complete darkness, it takes me a while before I am able to find my keys in my purse.

"Delphine?" 

"Oui?" I look up at her and realize that she is now standing surprisingly close.

"That coffee incident earlier today, I don't think I'm sorry about it anymore." Her tongue sneaking out over her bottom lip, she looks into my eyes intently.

"Me neither," is all I can whisper before she moves in, only stopping half an inch from my face, waiting for me to go the last ten percent. And how could I not? Our lips meet in a soft kiss as her hands find my hips, gently pulling me closer. My hands work on their own, cupping her jaw and stroking her cheek. Still, the kiss is short as she soon pulls back with a smile on her lips.

"I had a really good time tonight," I confess and am met with an agreeing nod.

"Me too. Good night." She steps up and sneaks another peck before turning on her heel and making her way back to the car.

I unlock my door and let it fall shut behind me, resting my back against the solid wood. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding as my fingers move to my mouth. Standing in the darkness of my apartment, I can feel a smile spreading across on lips.


	26. Day 453: White Flag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear friends, sincerest apologies for the long delay! This summer has been crazy and has me left with not much time for writing. As I'll be returning to Europe tomorrow, I hope to fall back into a regular updating schedule as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who is still on board! Also, as always, thank you to my lovely beta ebroisbae, who has been incredibly patient with me over this past month.  
> The chapter title is taken from the Dido song of the same name. Another song that has helped me get into the right head space for writing this chapter is Technicolor Beat by Oh Wonder. Check it out!

My face buried in the pillow and my hands clawing at the thin sheets, all I can do is let out a strangled moan as she connects with my insides again in just the right way.

"That's how you like it, don't you?!" I feel her nails digging into my hips as she once again pulls me towards herself forcefully. I don't answer. I can't answer, because my mouth is opened in a silent cry. But she doesn't need a reply to know what I need.

Her hand finds one of my bouncing breasts and squeezes it. When I cover it with my own, intertwining our fingers, pulling her _closer_ , all it takes is one more thrust and I tumble. She continues her movements while I crash over the edge, a moan on my lips, and squeezing her hand to the point of pain. While the waves of pleasure travel through my body, I can feel her motions become slower, softer, until they stop and I finally have my senses back under control.

I can feel her slip out of me and I fall forward. A second later a slender form crashes into the mattress next to me. Her short hair wild and a thin layer of sweat covering her skin, the wide smile on her face mirrors my own.

"Happy six months, babe."

Still trying to catch my breath, a giggle bubbles up inside of me as I reach out and place my hand on the back of her neck. Pulling her towards me, our lips connect in a passionate kiss.

"Happy six months, chérie. Je t'aime."

"I love you, too."

I can see the happiness in her eyes as she scoots closer and rolls us over, pinning me under her. When her lips find mine again, her movements are soft and gentle and my hand finds the curve of her back like it has countless times. I enjoy the feeling of smooth skin under my fingertips as I travel up and down her spine. She brings her hand to my face and deepens our kiss and a moment later her thigh moves between my legs, creating friction against my center. A jerk goes through my body just before I release a moan against her full lips. Giggling, she pulls back and gazes into my eyes.

"You are insatiable."

As she pushes into me again, I can't help but close my eyes and throw my head back.

"Utterly insatiable," I hear her whisper into my ear before she trails down my neck to latch onto my left nipple.

* * *

When we finally manage to leave the house it is almost noon.

I step outside the front door while Evie is still putting on her shoes.

"Can you check whether I got mail, please?" Checking the mailbox that says **Cho** in bold letters, I come up empty.

"Nothing," I tell her when she steps outside and places a gentle kiss on my lips.

The smile Evie gives me when I get in on the passenger's side of the car makes my heart flutter and I can feel a blush creep across my face. Her smile turns into a grin when she turns the keys in the ignition.

"Six months and you still blush when I smile at you?"

As a reply I just blush further as we pull into traffic. She puts her right hand on the middle console and I grab it, intertwining her fingers with mine, and giving it a squeeze.

The drive to our friends' place for our traditional Saturday brunch is short and enjoyable as the bright sunlight filters through the windows, creating a warm halo around my lover's face.

* * *

"Del!" Krystal throws herself at me, wrapping me in a tight embrace, as soon as she opens the door. I reciprocate her gesture and both of us break into a fit of giggles before she steps back to let us inside. I only make it a couple of feet before I am swept up again. This time by strong arms pressing me against a broad chest.

"Bonjour, Phoenix!"

A can hear laughter rumbling through his chest as he squeezes me a little tighter. A moment later I escape his grasp just to press a kiss on his cheek.

"Come on in!"

I follow him, but look back behind me just in time to see Evie and Krystal sharing an awkward embrace before closing the door. Krystal flashes me a smile that does not quite reach her eyes, but before I can worry about it, Phoenix pulls me into their kitchen.

The spread of food he has prepared makes me mouth water and as if on cue, my stomach grumbles audibly. As Evie and I help him take everything out to their terrace, Krystal is quick to put together mimosas for everyone.

"Cheers!" Our glasses clink and a sip of the cool cocktail puts a smile on my face.

"Merci for having us once again!"

"Yes, thank you so much," Evie chimes in.

"It's our pleasure. Now please dig in!"

I decide to start off light, with some yogurt and fruit salad, before moving onto the heavier dishes like hash browns and scrambled eggs later. But just as I am about to eat my first spoon of fruit salad, I hear an "Oh, shoot!" from Phoenix as he jumps up and runs into the kitchen. I look at Krystal and raise my eyebrow questioningly, but she just shrugs.

"He probably forgot something in the oven."

Indeed he returns outside a moment later and puts a large oven dish down on the table.

"Saved it," he comments happily.

But as my gaze falls on what is in the dish, my heart drops and suddenly I can see a crystal clear image in front of my mind's eye. _French Toast_. An image I have worked so hard on letting behind. I can feel myself breaking out in a cold sweat.

Her canines poking out at me as she flashed me her widest smile. The sparkle in her eyes.

 _"Don't run, Dr. Cormier. I'm gonna get you, you're toast!"_  

The look of pure joy on her face as the realization hit.

 _"Oh my God, you're toast!"_  

The tears of laughter running down her soft cheeks.

_"You're toast! And you're French! You're French Toast!"_

Her cold hands on my skin that made goosebumps form all over my body.

_"You're French Toast, Dr. Cormier."_

The way our bodies fit perfectly as I pulled her close to me. The way her lips tasted when our mouths collided ...

"Are you okay?" My attention snaps back to the here and now and I see that Krystal is the one talking to me. Her forehead creased in worry, she has her hand on my arm, squeezing it tightly.

"Oui, I'm just ... " The look on Phoenix' face mirrors Krystal's and Evie has a look of confusion on her face as she moves her arm to reach out to me. But I am quick to stand up, an action that does nothing to reassure my friends.

"I just need a minute. Please excuse me."

I quickly make my way to the bathroom and lock the door behind me once I am inside. Leaning on the sink, I look into the mirror. Look into my eyes.

_"Are you really going to be calling me 'toast' from now on?"_

_"Oui, ma petite French Toast ..."_

But somehow I can't stand it. Those eyes, my eyes, that I have looked into a million times before, suddenly cause my stomach to turn and my mouth to form a frown. As I can feel wetness covering my cheeks, I sink down against the bathtub and bury my face in my knees.

I have tried so hard to leave those memories behind, to let go. Let go of the time I spent with her, let go of the life I had envisioned for us. Let go of missing the woman whose name I am not even brave enough to speak anymore. I thought I had succeeded. No, I did succeed. I moved on. The dreams got less and less until they finally stopped and I felt like I was free. Free to build a life with someone else, with someone I love.

But every once in a while, a memory of her hits me like a ton of bricks. In these moments, when I see her in front of me, it is like I am right there again. Sensing her touch, taking in her scent. And in these moments, my heart breaks over and over again. Why do I miss her so? More than a year. Not a single word. Why do I ... _Stop_.

"Merde." _This is not fair to you, this is not fair to Evie, this is not fair to anyone. Stop. She left you, she is not worth the salt. Snap out of it._

A series of loud knocks on the door makes me lift my head.

"Del, are you alright?"

I grab some toilet paper to blow my nose before answering Krystal.

"I am fine, just give me a minute, please."

"Okay ... "

As I hear her step away from the door, I get up and look into the mirror again, examining the damage the tears have done. Turns out, nothing too bad. I splash some cold water in my face and carefully wipe the salty remnants away, careful not to rub too harshly.

_"I love you, Delphine."_

I shake my head and will my thoughts to stop. The past is the past. The present is the present. I have a life, I have a girlfriend, I have friends.

Another splash of water in my face before I take a towel to dry myself off. I step to the door and open it after taking a deep breath, walking back out onto the terrace.

As I sit down, I have three pairs of eyes on me and I try to make my smile as reassuring as I can. I reach out to take Evie's hand and give it a squeeze, still her brows are furrowed.

"Are you okay?"

"Sorry, I felt really nauseated all of a sudden."

I stroke her knuckles with my thumb and make sure to meet every pair of eyes after the other. A moment in awkward silence goes by before the pressure seems to finally be released and everyone eases back into their chairs. I lean over to place a chaste kiss on Evie's lips, whispering "I love you" into her ear before pulling back. 

Conversation becomes light and pleasant, with a little hiccup discussing the implications of fetal research. 

" ... I just don't think it's worth the risk." Krystal's stance on the issue is clear and I nod my head, signaling that I feel the same about the issue. Just as I am about to add another point, Phoenix' phone starts ringing. He takes a look at the screen and something in his features changes, but a second later he has himself under control once more as he rejects the call and puts the phone back on the table.

"I just wanted to say something, but now I forgot what it was."

"You've only had two mimosas, babe!" Evie smiles at me and I swat at her jokingly when Phoenix' phone starts ringing again. This time he is quick to reject the call and turns it on silent.

"Sorry about that. Does anyone want more food?" We all shake our heads and reassure him that we are more than full, but that the food was as wonderful as ever.

"Alright, let me take care of the dishes then."

He gets up and starts collecting the plates. We all start getting up to give him a hand, but he is quick to tell us to sit back and let him do it. So we chat some more while he empties the table. After a couple of minutes I get up and make my way to the kitchen to grab some water. As I approach, I can hear Phoenix' voice speaking in a hushed volume.

" ... ask her yourself. I am not your freaking spy."

When he sees me standing in the doorway, he looks like he was just caught in the act.

"I'll talk to you later," he goes as he hangs up the phone, putting it back into his pocket, suddenly unable to meet my gaze.


	27. Day 455 – The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, way too late, but I do have an update for you. Thanks to my beta ebroisbae for putting up with me for so long and for promising to wait for the next update "patiently." Shoutout to HermioneSpencer and SianRuns for being awesome.  
> And the biggest thanks to all of you who are reading this right now and stuck around this long!
> 
> Chapter title taken from the song "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by The Postal Service (it's great, you should listen to it!)

The brain is a funny thing. You know when sometimes you want something so bad that you can't help your thoughts returning to this thing again and again? That it permeates your dreams, both awake and asleep? You envision that moment, you play it through time and time and time again in your mind. What you would say, what you would do. You analyze the actions, the consequences. You realize that this particular outcome is not the one you want. You stop. Reset, try again. You have all the time in the world. A smile. A talk. Failure. Reset. Try harder! Almost, almost ... no, not like this, not like ... Reset ... Reset. Reset. Reset.

Until one day, long after your last reset, long after giving up, that thing that you wanted so bad actually becomes reality. It manifests right in front of your eyes, but it's different than dreamt about, different than imagined. And nothing in this world could have prepared you for what it does to you.

 

* * *

 

That night I can't sleep. I have suspected it would be this way. Ever since ... ever since starting this new life, every once in a while, I lie in my bed restless. Watching the shadows on the wall move until the bright rays of the morning sun banish them and the birds start chirping.

Tonight is one of those nights. Knowing what would await me once I would rest my head on my pillow, I stay up late. Not working like I used to do back then, but watching TV. A documentary about Mount Everest is followed by a special programming about the violence epidemic in county prisons.

At first I'm vaguely interested, but as my thoughts start to drift, mainly to the sleepless night I'm almost certain is going to await me, the flickering lights of the TV in the dark only serving to hypnotize me. Lying on the couch I wait. For what, I don't know. The program changes to a show about tanks, something I couldn't care less about. But moving my arm to grab the remote seems out of question. So I stay still.

I lose track of time, as so often when I am awake late at night. One second the time seems to stand still. Barely a moment later, two hours must have passed. I make a resolve to look at the clock. Something I would have to grab my phone for. Now that time seems to act like quicksand running though the hourglass, extending beyond the imaginable, I don't know how long it takes me to actually go through with my plan.

When I finally get ahold of my phone, the display reads 1:55 am and I decide to go to bed. Before I manage to get off the couch, the clock strikes 2:11. When I finally stand, I have to sit back down for a moment to wait for the black in front of my eyes to disappear. I know that sitting down now is dangerous. All it takes is a moment of weakness, putting up a single leg onto the couch table, and I will be stuck on this couch for another hour. So what I do instead is grab my headphones off the table and connect them to my phone in routined motions. I put my phone on shuffle and wait for the rhythmic sounds of EDM music to fill my ears before I turn off the TV. Roaming the apartment alone at night, I can't stand the sound of silence.

Now standing in the complete darkness, it is the faint moonlight coming through the windows that guides me to the bathroom. I flip the light switch and I flinch. Squinting, I look into the mirror. The bags under my alarmingly red eyes are hard to overlook, but I have looked worse before. I have felt worse.

My therapist told me that it would take time. Not like I didn't know before, only a fool would think that damage accumulated over years could be undone in a day. My restless nights, frequent at first, only occur every once in a while now. I'm moving into the right direction, I'm getting better. This much I know. That doesn't mean that they have become any less draining.

Refocusing on my reflection in the mirror, I just stare. I only realize how long I must have stayed in this position when my wrists with which I lean on the bathroom sink start aching. I want to move my arm, to open the cabinet. I will my muscles to work, but what I do instead is lean against the wall to sink down slowly, sitting down on the bathroom floor.

_"Smeared black ink ... "_

Only now do I notice that the song playing in my headphones has changed. Changed to an all too familiar one.

_"Your palms are sweaty. And I'm barely listening ... "_

A face, a memory creeps up to the edge of my consciousness, but I don't allow it to to jump that hurdle. Instead I am quite content looking at the tiles on the floor. The surface of dark stone is only interrupted by slightly lighter joints whose roughness under my finger tips startles me.

_"I'll wear my badge ... That tells your new friends that I am a visitor here ..._ _"_

By now it's 2:43 and mustering the last of my energy, I hold on to the sink again to pull myself into a standing position. I open the cabinet and a bright orange bottle catches my eye right away.

_"_ _I am not permanent."_

I reach out past the bottle to grab my toothbrush and pop it into my mouth.

_"The district sleeps alone to tonight, after the bars turn out their lights. And send the autos swerving into the loneliest evening. And I am finally seeing ... why I was the one worth leaving. "_

_"Why I was the one worth leaving."_

_"Why I was the one worth leaving."_

_"Why I was the one worth leaving."_

When my head hits the pillow, I'm not any closer to sleep than I was before. I watch the shadows move. It's after 5 that I drift away into a restless dream that leaves me with a hammering heart and drenched in cold sweat as my alarm goes off at 6:30.

_"Why I was the one worth leaving."_

 

* * *

 

"I really don't think it's too much to ask!"

Once again the snow is whipping against windows. This time it's the windows of Evie's car as we pull into the university parking lot. The sun hasn't risen yet and the continuous snowfall has amassed three feet of fluffy white over night. Snow that I sink into shin deep as soon as I step out of the car.

"Look, you know how busy I am. The board review is coming up and I still have two semesters worth of experiments to write up. And you should know best that the past two weeks I didn't have time for anything besides preparing for tonight." In the faint light of the street lamp I can see her steely eyes and the way her mouth is pulled back into a frown. "So if you could just give me one fucking minute to breathe," she slams the car door shut, "that would be great." She doesn't spare me another look before storming off into the building, leaving me behind in the freezing morning air.

Evie's behavior and the lack of sleep are taking their toll on me as it takes all the self-control I have not to break out in tears right on the spot. Instead I close my eyes and, covering my face with my hands, breathe deeply for a minute. Only after the pressure in my chest has lessened and I feel like I'm in control again do I make my way to the entrance.

 

* * *

 

_First Annual Meeting of Young Scientists_ is what it reads on the banner over the door through which I enter the large hall. The day was exhausting to say the least. Not only a conference call with my collaborators at UCLA, but also two seminars and an afternoon of grading papers have taken their toll on me.

Even Krystal was worried when she saw me at lunch, questioning both my relationship status as well as my mental health in a charming rudeness that only she seems to have. _"You need some rest"_ was the conclusion she came to. And indeed I would love some rest. I'd much rather be at home and curled up with a novel in my hand than standing here among my peers who are not any less stressed or busy than me. But this is the event that Evie has organized and has been planning for nearly a month. Anything but my presence would have been inacceptable, both on a professional and on a personal level.

However bad the timing of tonight's meeting might be for me, the fact that the University of Minnesota finally offers such an event is fortunate for all young academics here. Targeted at grad students and post docs, what Evie had envisioned was an evening to network and an evening to make friends across faculties. Both matters of high importance for young researchers that are often times overworked, underpaid, and isolated in their jobs.

"Delphine!"

I turn around and see my girlfriend waving. Unlike me, all I did to transform my work wardrobe into a night time one was put on some heels, she changed her outfit and brushed up her make-up in preparation for this event. In a shoulderless burgundy dress that ends just over her knees she looks nothing short of stunning as she walks towards me with a huge smile.

"You're here" are the words she whispers to me as she puts her hands on either side of my face to pull me in. "Of course I am" is what I reply before she pulls me in for a quick kiss.

"I didn't know so many people would be coming."

"I know, right?" Her fingers trail down my arm to grab my hand and squeeze it gently. "I never realized how many young scientist there are at UMN before I asked for registrations for tonight. But it looks like almost everyone is here!"

I nod and smile at her. I am glad that all her hard work is now paying off and hope that this evening will go exactly like she envisioned it to. "Are you going to hold an opening speech?"

"Yes ... " She nods, but at the same time she goes up on her tip toes to look over to the entrance door.

"What is it?"

"Sorry, yes! I am going to say a few short words. I am actually just waiting for another attendee. A PhD student who just transferred here. I'm sure they should be here any second now."

"Okay, great ... " I want to say more, I want to tell her how proud I am of her. But already one of the co-organizers touches her arm to get her attention and drags her away hastily. She throws me a kiss before leaving me behind in the crowd.

It takes another 15 minutes before Evie climbs the stage and gently taps the microphone, more for getting people to be quiet than to test the sound system it seems.

"Hello, everyone! Thank you all so much for being here at the first Annual Meeting of Young Scientists! We are still missing one attendee, but I would still like to address ... "

somewhere behind me I hear the heavy steel doors open and a heavily breathing person stepping in. I pay it no attention though, still solely focused on my girlfriend on stage. That is, until ...

"Shit, man! Sorry, so sorry! Sorry I'm late!"

My heart skips a beat and a cold shiver runs down my spine.

"Oh, there is our lost attendee, welcome!"

Evie carries on with her speech as time seems to come to a complete halt for me. Every pumping of my heart I can hear in my ears, complemented by a shrill noise that suddenly materializes. While my brain is still thinking about what to do, whether to maybe pretend I didn't hear or just walk away without a look, my feet are moving already. It seems like my body has made this decision without consulting me.

In slow motion I turn, seeing everyone around me looking at the stags, laughing about something Evie has apparently just said. Shadows dancing on their features as the stage lighting is adjusted, nobody notices what is going on. And how could they.

When I finally see her, it shouldn't be a shock. I knew it the second she uttered her first word. If I'm being honest with myself, I probably even knew it before that. The moment she walked through that door I knew. But now that I see her right in front of me, it is a shock still. A shock that she has her dreads in a bun _like she used to_ , that she wears her harem pants _like she used to_ , and that I see an easy smile grazing her lips. A smile that falters however when her eyes meet mine.

The fact that she says my name I can only make out by the movements of her mouth. For my ears have long since stopped working, every sound from the outside is drowned out by an ever growing shrilling noise.

I take a step forward and start seeing black, but I will my legs not to fail me now. Keeping as much distance between her and me as possible, I move to the door. Before I know it, I am running down a corridor once again only illuminated by the faint moonlight, tears covering my cheeks.

_And nothing in this world could have prepared you for what it does to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics taken from the song "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by The Postal Service


End file.
